I (37F) have been begging for affection/intimacy from my (37M) lately. We have 2 children. He says that I am not priority right now, and neither is himself whenever I complain about these very emotional issues. He’s basically a workaholic, and says everything he does is for our children, and for our family. Which I obviously concur with, and our children come first for both of us. He is self employed, and works from home so he makes his own schedule. I am a stay at home mom, and also work from home when the kids are gone at school. Now here is where my question comes in. The children are gone how many hours for school. When the children come home he goes to his room, and leaves me with them alone. He doesn’t spend family time with us unless I ask. He doesn’t help at home with the kids unless I ask, or if the kids specifically come to him, and ask to play.
Is this normal dad/significant other behavior after 8 years together?? Am I crazy? Is 5 hours a day with no kids not a reasonable amount of time to want to spend some of it with your significant other? We don’t sleep together as I sleep with the kids he wouldn’t cuddle in bed anyways even if we did. There’s no hand holding ever, there’s no good nights, there’s no kissing. When he wants sex there’s no four play. There’s no lead up to me to even have the ability to want sex. We had a very bad argument over a month ago, and I can’t even bring myself to have sex with him anymore, because he puts zero effort into me.
I basically feel like me, and the kids are just dogs he keeps around that he doesn’t pet, play with, or walk. To me it feels like he thinks “here I’ve given you a roof over your head, here’s your food, and water, your bed, and your good to go.” He does go to the gym everyday which I said is for yourself. No he’s not seeing anyone I know this, because all he does is work, gym, and play video games.
EDIT: okay okay I get it! I will bring up in my next therapy session that I still co sleep with my young children. Point made, some of the comments about it don’t have to be so snarky. I would respond better to someone not being so snarky about it. Jeesh.
21 comments
You need a marriage counselor not the advice from the halfwits on Reddit.
Kinda seems to me that he has given up on the marriage. I don’t know what is going on from his side but if doesn’t care to see you, or the kids and all he wants to do is be alone and work, seems like yall a likely candidate for divorce. I’m sure you don’t want this so you are going to have to set standards as to what you want from him. See if yall can come to some agreement.
Edit: Last time I checked the “Wife” is part of the family, and just providing money to the kids isn’t putting them first.
It’s tough to hear, but it sounds like your partner is prioritizing work, gym, and video games over your emotional needs and the needs of your children. While it’s important to acknowledge the value of his hard work and dedication to providing for the family, it’s equally important to have a balanced and fulfilling relationship. Five hours a day without kids is definitely a reasonable amount of time to expect some quality time together, and it’s not unreasonable to desire affection and intimacy in a long-term relationship. It might be worth having an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings and needs, and see if you can work together to find a better balance that meets both of your needs.
It sounds like he needs therapy for his work/life balance to me, it can be hard when you work from home to have a healthy separation from work.
I think you should get a full-time job and he should work less hours.
>our children come first for both of us
This is the problem. Neither one of you are prioritizing the relationship. If you both start doing that then you’ll reconnect. If you or he are not sure how to do that you should seek couples counseling. Sounds like mostly communication issues.
I view my marriage as first priority. My relationship with my wife is the foundation on which our family is built. When our relationship suffers it impacts our whole family – kids included.
Prioritizing our marriage is putting our kids first. Kids see everything. Constantly learning. We are their primary example when it comes to relationships/marriage. They see how we treat one another, how we deal with conflict/disagreements, where our priorities lay, and how we value our family.
I did get lost though. I used to work 24/7/365. I was self employed for years. Eventually I realized how unhealthy it was for not just me, but for my wife and kids – our family as a whole. Bringing home the paycheck wasn’t good enough. They needed ME. They needed me to be present and hands-on involved.
I turned my full-time business into a part-time one, and picked up part-time employment with a local business. It allowed me more free time. My wife cut her hours back a touch as well. It was a pay cut, but we adjusted our budget. Our kids might not get as much ‘stuff’, but they get more of us, and we get more of each other.
Schedule time together. Schedule time as a family. Sleep in the same bed. Perhaps if you worked he could cut back his hours?
I don’t understand why you don’t even share a bed with your husband, but want affection and intimacy.
It sounds like you’ve prioritized the kids and he’s prioritized work. Not uncommon, but deadly to marriages.
Stick with the counseling and you guys will really need to work together to change this dynamic around.
It’s really hard to say from what you describe. What was the last fight about?
If I had to guess, I would say it’s pretty normal for a man who’s playing the breadwinner to focus on that role where he gets appreciation and value: his work colleagues. He may feeling that his family doesn’t appreciate him. On the contrary, it sounds like you’re adding to his plate and expecting him to take it smiling. Again, we don’t know your situation, but I would start with showing appreciation to see if he starts spending more time with you.
They say the best thing a husband can do for his family is take good care of his wife
It is unfortunately a common ish theme that some men feel that women are solely responsible for their kids. Many men think that they are doing much more than they actually do and some even feel like they are going above and beyond for helping when asked…
Despite this (bullshit) theme your husbands indifference is beyond extreme. Please address this firmly. The fact that you have allowed this pattern to develop for so long reinforces his belief that’s it’s not his responsibility to parent. It’s ALWAYS way harder to get someone to do more after they are used to doing less.
If you stay with him this is going to be an uphill battle at best and you will have to remain strong in your expectations. You will also have to step back and actually let the ball drop for any possibility of him actually picking it up and doing more.
I suggest you get a job outside the home, one that requires you to on site in the evenings. You need to physically not be present in the home so he can’t default to you being charge.
Sit down with him and tell him it’s time to split up the housework. Decide who is responsible for what and when he doesn’t do his part, don’t do it for him. He didn’t do the dishes? I guess you can’t make dinner tonight. Give the kids a sandwich on a napkin and go to bed. He can figure out his own dinner until he does the dishes.
5 hours a day is barely more than 50% of a regular full time work shift. Just because he works from home doesn’t mean he can be a Dad for half the day.
That he doesn’t like intimacy is just a personal preference, i dont like it either
I dont know if this is unpopular or not but kids don’t trump a marriage. It’s like saying you’re not gonna clean your house bc you’re prioritizing your kids for now. Happy parents are important for a child’s development and certainly a major factor in how they fair in relationships as adults. Of COURSE there is less time alone when you have kids, but that means you have to work harder to find it and be more intentional about it. It pains me constantly to see people say they’re pushing their marriage to the side until their kids are grown or waiting until college to divorce their spouse. If you’re unhappy, don’t waste your life in the name of your children, changes need to be made for the sake of everyone.
I’ve been married over 20 years and am a recent empty nester.
My candid opinion is that if you’re married with kids you have two top priorities — the marriage and your kids. If you include yourself as a priority (not everyone does), then you have three top priorities.
If you care a lot about your job/career (not everyone does), then that is a fourth priority. So if you are a parent in a marriage with kids and a serious career then you have four things that you have to juggle.
They can’t all be top priority, and sometimes, not even 2 of them can be top priority. It just can’t work. Maybe you can switch back and forth, but that isn’t easy.
The other thing I realized is that priorities change over time. Your kids aren’t infants forever, and they aren’t at home forever. You aren’t chasing a career advancement forever. So there will definitely be periods where one thing takes priority over the other.
Hopefully you see where I am headed with this. There was a time when my career was my top priority and I felt that I had to make money and advance. But that is no longer my top priority. Our kids were always a top priority for us, more than even our relationship or ourselves, which wasn’t great. But now that they are out of the house that is over. Now, without kids or my career so worrisome, I have a lot of time to spend with my wife and our relationship.
I wish I had had this perspective 10 years ago when I was really struggling but now I see that things are often not as bad as they seem at the time.
Stop sleeping with the kids and take your place back in your bed
Take away the kids and we are in the same boat. I’m so sorry sister.
Stop sleeping with the kids and take your place back in your bed with your husband where you belong
If I had 5 hours alone daily with my wife I 100% know I wouldn’t be getting work done. I’m note sure clothes would be worn.
Your husband needs to wake up or he is gonna lose his family.
Your kids are only little once. I cosleep and my husband is still affectionate and emotionally available. We even find time to have sex. If he has time to play video games, he has time to have sex.
Your children’s safety and well-being should come first. But just generally catering to their whims/wants/shallower sources of happiness should DEFINITELY be coming FAR AFTER your partner and marriage.
Now keep in mind that I could be wrong, but I have been doing a lot of research into attachment styles, and your husband seems to be exhibiting a lot of signs of dismissive avoidant attachment style. You might want to look into it and see if it fits him. If that’s him, he needs to do the healing work to be able to connect