TLDR: I am more-than-friends with a man who is using me as a placeholder for the next person. Should I wait to see whether he would ever consider being with me, or should I run?

​

In 2020, I \[F24\] became friends with someone \[M33\] who was visiting my town and was in the same line of work. I will be calling him B. We first met in person at work as B was in town for the weekend, and started some small talk. The day after, we matched on tinder. The conversation continued from there, and we became really close. We ended up in a close friends with benefits situation. B was trying to self improve with the aim to win back his ex girlfriend at the time, which I knew, and being naive, was completely okay with it. I was just at the end of a relationship and really enjoyed his company. There was also a fun power dynamic at play.

Three months followed which included multiple trips together, 5 hour long phone calls, and telling each other everything. I felt like I was valued, and we had something good going for us. We would spend so much time joking, laughing, debating with each other and hearing each other out on what we were struggling with. Plus, the sex was amazing. I know he wasn’t in the best place, however we really clicked. He told me he really struggled to find people that he found intellectually stimulating, but he found me.

One day, B contacted me as usual however said that he ran into his ex girlfriend, and that she was open to speaking with him again. Over the next few weeks, B and his ex girlfriend spoke about what trying again would look like. After one of those discussions, B calls me and tells me that he is at a point where they are serious about trying again, and that means he has to cut contact with me. He said he couldn’t be in a relationship and talk to me at the same time, because it wouldn’t be fair on the other person. It wasn’t my place to say anything, so we ceased contact and that was the end of it.

I did not stop thinking about this man for three years.

Cut to 4 weeks ago, I get a message out of the blue from B. He explained that he broke up with his girlfriend because she was cheating, and always wondered what I had been up to over this time. After he made contact, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to go back to her. We started talking everyday like we did three years ago, and nothing had changed for us. It was exciting, stimulating, and like I had something really special.

However, three days ago, his ex girlfriend made contact with him and has asked if there is any chance they could try again. Despite telling me he wasn’t going back, he softened and said that if a few things changed, he would consider it. He told me all of this. I asked him about where I stood, and he said that like before, if he is in a relationship, he can’t speak to me because it wouldn’t be fair on the relationship. I was really annoyed by that, because we haven’t even seen each other again, and we are just talking as friends. Now, the messages are mostly around how he is feeling about his ex girlfriend, and trying to analyse her past behaviour to see whether it could work again. Anything I bring up in conversation doesn’t matter, and always goes back to her. I feel like a placeholder for her, and that I will get discarded whenever she comes back. Do I cut off the friendship now? Do I wait to see whether there is any potential for us?

3 comments
  1. Why are you still around for this dude? Seriously…

    The power dynamic and age gap give me the ick, and his behaviour is clearly showing you aren’t a priority. You are nobody he considers a relationship with. So instead of waiting around until he gets into the next relationship and cuts contact again, get away. Find someone who really cares about you. Not someone wasting your time.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like