I know there is a common (heteronormative & probably misogynistic) narrative that the first person you sleep with should be “special.” However, I would like to know both sides of the story:
If you did have your first time with someone special (and particularly—but not exclusively—if you waited for that special person), do you feel like it was worth it? Did you think it made a difference?
Conversely, if you didn’t wait for “the right person,” do you regret not doing so? Did it matter to you in the grand scheme of things?
Of course, this applies to those who were fortunate enough to have their first time be consensual. I’m sorry to all those who had that taken away from them.
14 comments
I did end up waiting for the right person, and we’re engaged now. While I don’t see virginity as something sacred, I was very nervous about losing it. I was worried it was going to hurt. And it did. So bad that he couldn’t get more than the tip in without me screaming in pain.
I am incredibly grateful that he was there to calm me down and reassure me and make my stubborn ass take a break from trying. He did not get frustrated with me, he did not disregard my pain and force it in anyway, he did not compare me to past lovers, and he did not make me feel like there was something wrong with me. He was perfect.
Eventually after about 30 tries (over the span of a few months) it finally went in without causing too much pain. I think most men would’ve long given up by then and made me feel like shit/ not cared how I felt. But he made sure that I knew that nothing was wrong with me and that everyone’s first time is different. He made sure not to hurt me, and he was able to calm me down and keep me feeling relaxed and safe enough that eventually I stopped stressing and it worked, and I had an amazing first time!
I think it’s important to know yourself and what you want. Waiting for someone “special” is absolutely fine, but more importantly, that someone needs to be someone you trust and feel safe with. There’s nothing wrong with waiting for sex until you feel like you are in a serious, committed relationship with a special person. There’s also nothing wrong with choosing to have casual sex with someone that you trust and feel safe with. Neither is wrong. What works for each person is going to be individual based on what that person wants and needs for themselves while also being respectful of their partners.
I’ve adjusted my outlook on this one—I now think it should be with someone who *treats* you like you’re special.
It depends on what makes someone special. Is it when you are exclusively dating? Is it when you’re married? I do consider my first time to have been with someone special, even though that wasn’t necessarily my goal at the time. It was my first serious boyfriend and we ended up dating for 5 years. I’m personally happy I lost my virginity to someone who was considerate, respected me, and made me feel safe. I didn’t want to lose my virginity to someone for who I was just another lay. However, I can see how that may not be that big of a deal for other people.
It was what I was shooting for, but I failed miserably and couldn’t even tell you the name of who I lost it to. I regret it now, years later, but unfortunately for all of us, regret is something that only comes with time.
It is still what I’ll teach my daughter to strive for and search for. But, she won’t feel guilt or shame if it doesn’t end up that way. She’ll be taught a hard lesson from her experiences and choices made, just like I did, and learn from it.
My first time was a guy I picked off Tinder specifically to have sex with. I just wanted to try it with no strings attached, and it was fine. Zero regrets.
I don’t feel like I lost my virginity to that guy though. I feel like I lost it the time I had actually emotionally vulnerable sex.
So I really think virginity is just a construct, and what really matters is how you end up framing your experience in your own mind.
I’m glad I’ve had all the sex I’ve had, even though some of it was indifferent or with people who later hurt me. My life experience would be less rich without it.
I waited for someone who I was in a relationship with and there was a mutual care/trust for one another. I wanted to wait more so because I knew I would enjoy the sex more with someone who cared about me and who would prioritize my pleasure as opposed to the first tall frat guy that came passing by.
In my opinion it was worth it, it also made communication about sex very open and direct. I never really felt like asking for something specific was uncomfortable or weird and my partner at the time felt the same.
We didn’t end up together but he’s a good guy and I have no regrets.
For me he was “special” at the moment, turned out to be a jerk.
I don’t regret it because in that moment it felt right and I wanted it, he was my first bf and I was raised with the concept of losing your virginity until marriage or the “love of my life”. (I know better now)
It’s just life, not always a fairy tail. Listen to what pleases you.
The person I would have thought was special at the time I lost my virginity would not be someone I would consider to be special now over 20 years later. I would say choosing someone you trust and can communicate well with is more important than “special”
I’m glad I didn’t grow up with this narrative. My first time was not with someone special, and wasn’t my choice.
Would I have preferred it to be with “someone special”? Sure. But it doesn’t matter too much in terms of how I think of sex and relationships now, my first time doesn’t really define me in any way.
I really like how Scandinavian countries view love and sex. Sex education comes early and and they don’t push the concept of waiting for “the one” to have sex. Sex isn’t shamed and I feel like the focus is on it being a natural, human thing. I think this leads to young people being able to make the best decisions for themselves.
I had my first time with someone who I thought was special. It sucked. I think a lot of people who are holding out for someone special don’t realize how likely it is that the person they choose might not actually be as special as they think. Also, nothing’s really guaranteed, so even after having sex with that special someone, the relationship could still end.
TL;DR While romantic thinking is cute, people still need to maintain realistic expectations and not put other people on pedestals.
I waited until I found a special someone whom I had amazing communication and really trusted. And it was still painful but amazing. We were both new. At it. And I learned a lot about me, relationships and sex because of him. He still holds a special heart in my place. But we grew up. And with every relationship and partner I had I learned more and more about myself, relationships and what I like and don’t like in bed. I thank all my lovers for getting me here.
I think it should be with the right person. Way back when I had 4 people that wanted me to take their virginities (I was not one), and I didn’t want to be that person because I did not want to be with any of these people and thought they deserved better for their first time.