Repost, as my 1st attempt at this got locked out. Reformatted now, with a little extra context.
TL;DR: My wife says her sex drive is GONE and doesn’t want to try to rekindle it. Do I accept a comfortable celibate lifestyle or move on.
Sorry, this is a long read.
Well the title says it all but there’s a bit of backstory for context. After some relationship issues about a decade ago I thought my wife and I were in pretty good shape relationship wise. We chat, we laugh, we are friends, have similar views on many things and generally fit well together.
For me the massive issue has been our physical relationship. My wife and I have been together for 23 years and in the beginning our sex life was pretty great. As expected the frequency and intensity faded a bit over time but since we had our children (21 and 17) the decline was very steep. This bothered me and we’d occasionally argue, something we do very rarely.
I usually initiated sex and for the most part got rejected. Occasionally my wife would agree and whilst I always thought she enjoyed herself (or was a good actor) she was not very active and I often thought she was just throwing be a bone so I’d leave her alone for a while.
Before you come at me as some sort of monster always pestering my wife for sex, we are talking weeks/months between intimate moments. Don’t get me wrong I want to get physical more often, I’d be happy with once a week or even a couple of times a month (in heaven if more often) but I took what I could get.
I love my wife and I desire her physically but to be constantly rejected is soul destroying and was making me feel dirty (and not in the good way) for asking. Eventually, I decided that the next time we would have sex would be when my wife initiated it. That was six years ago!!!
This has been growing increasingly heavy on my heart over the years my I’ve thrown myself into other things and generally kept a lid on it. My youngest turns 18 soon and finishes high school in a few months and my intention was to hold on until then before considering my future in the relationship. All the time hoping for a miracle.What brought matters to a head was last week I reached round my wife for a cuddle in bed and my hand must’ve brushed too low for comfort (by accident and not even that close) and my wife practically pushed me out of the bed.
A couple of days ago I brought it up (not an argument, just talking) and just asked if she ever intended to have sex with me again. She said “No”. When I asked her why, she said she felt like she didn’t have any sex drive at all.
I asked her if she wanted to have any sexual desire for me again and again the answer was no.
To be told “I don’t want you and what’s more, I dont want to want you” hurts. She says she is happy with our relationship as is, as friends and companions.
I want more. I definitely don’t want her to just lie back and let me have sex with her while she isn’t getting any pleasure out of it. I want to be wanted, I want her to desire me as much as I want and desire her. I understand that sex drives can dip and even disappear for many reasons but I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to see if her sex drive can be rekindled. I’ve told her I want more but she’d told me that she’s not willing to change things.
I’ve been celibate and, to be fair to my wife, mostly happy with my lot for the last six years but I am desperate for a physical relationship with her and have told her this cannot continue. I’ve said that if she/we don’t look into how to we/she can recover her libido (not necessarily even be having sex) by the time my youngest graduates high school (I don’t want to disrupt her final year) then I’ll look to start divorce proceedings. She just nodded.
She seems to have chosen nothing over me and I am broken.
I think my wife hopes that I will simply let this slide and we can slip back into our comfortable coexistance but I can’t. I have contacted a therapist and will start this next week. I need to try and come to terms with this rejection and learn how to move on.
The thought of dating in my fifties terrifies me but do I deny myself and slip back into my comfortable but celibate half life or do I risk it all in the hopes, however small, of something more?
PS Please don’t suggest an open relationship or having an affair. I only want my wife and won’t do that to her.
37 comments
Will she seek therapy? Any chance she has a boyfriend or has she cheated in the past? Did you cheat?
No sexual connection is as you know becomes an awful way to live. The rejection is soul crushing.
You know the best outcome for you and probably her is to divorce. If you are in good health and can become attractive you will find loyal love
Live the rest of your life full of fun and love not rejection. 50 is not too old so the sooner the better
Life is too short man. I think you’ve already come to a decision…
What a shit go. I’m honestly worried this will happen in my own relationship yet I’m still very young.
Sex aside, it sounds like she doesn’t care or respect your needs and wants anymore. To me that’s the bigger issue.
It’s sad man but I’m sure it happens to a lot of men out there.
Here’s a women perspective- Honestly if my husband stated he would break up if i did not have sex with him, I would be very hurt and also would not try to stop him because frankly, if that is a deal breaker than I don’t want him as a husband. You have to also understand all our lives, women are seen as sexual objects and it would be so hurtful for me to hear sex is a deal breaker for my husband and make me feel like sex is the only thing i offer to him. And plus I would add that eventually sex is going to end at a certain age in a marriage so I want someone who is okay with that.
On the flip side, I understand 50 may be soon in your eyes to stop having sex and it seems as if you feel emotionally rejected as well when your wife rejects sex. I wonder if therapy or other deeper discussions could help you two work this out. I’m sure your wife loves you and values you in many ways and her denying sex frankly sounds like it has nothing to do with you but rather her own desires and sex drive. I do think you need to separate this and try not to take it so personally.
I also wonder what is it about sex that is such a dealbreaker to you? Can you two be intimate in other ways such as cuddling? Frankly, you can still have your own fun and maybe she would be comfortable with watching you as you have your own fun. It seems some sort of solution can be made
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>My wife (F47)
Hello menopause! When’s the last time she got her hormone levels checked?
Ok. If you’re not going to leave her, and won’t have sex with anyone else, just accept that your sex life is over. She has unequivocally told you what she wants. And you’ve accepted it. That’s it bud. That’s the game. You need to decide what you want to do about it, because changing her is a non starter. She already told you where she is.
Have you allowed your concept of marriage to become transactional, or is that how you’ve both approached it from the beginning? It deviates from mine, the for better or worse premise, yours arguably trending towards something you’d identify as a “worse” scenario. I’d start by asking if you’d approach this differently were she unable to express physical intimacy due to accident or disease. If yes, then on to next step, counseling. You can, and frankly should expect intimacy, even if not physical (think emotional). The emotional aspect is something you have to focus on, absent a transactional expectation of reciprocation. You do things for the other because you love them, with no expectation in return.
You both need couples counseling. People can, and will offer good advice here, but you still should have professional couples counseling. If she refuses to attend, you still should go without her. Once you start something formal, you’re going to need to understand time is going to play a big role in healing, don’t look for a quick fix, as couples often do.
If your wife is unwilling to a) see a doctor to get her hormones checked (the problem could well be physical at her age) and b) go to a sex therapist with you, then there’s not a lot you can do. She’s told you that she doesn’t want anything more than a housemate situation with you.
It’s a sad situation but if your wife doesn’t want to take the initiative and try to have a sexual relationship with you and you can’t live in a sexless marriage, there’s no shame in calling it a day. If you’re single for a while, you’ll be no more lonely than you are now and you might even find it preferable to your current situation. Having no sex because you’re single is different to being rejected all the time in a relationship.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do though. I hope things work out for you and you end up feeling more happy and satisfied than you are right now xxx
That’s a decision for TWO people, not just one. I would get divorced if a spouse said such a thing to me. Go to a marriage counselor and they’ll set her straight for you. Then you have documented her ultimatum. I’m so sorry.
This is very sad. She prefers being companions rather than spouses. If she was in her late 60s, I’d be somewhat more sympathetic regarding lack of desire for sexual intimacy, but not during the past 6 years of your lives.
I’m surprised you haven’t had marriage counseling for this problem. It may be too late for that. But it’s worth the ask. You are certain she hasn’t had any affairs?
Do you think your wife takes you seriously when you present her with your intentions? Have you communicated the threat of divorce before?
I think the schedule of your plan is worth seriously considering and acting upon. Life’s too short to suffer with not being loved fully. From what I’ve seen over the past 15 years (I’m older than you) with friends, if you take care of yourself and treat other people respectfully, dating at your age can be a lot of fun and highly sexual. The latter aspect has surprised my male friends in a good way.
It’s a positive that you are taking tangible steps to assert your future, though the context is unfortunate. Make sure your goals are clearly established in counseling and then act on them.
This isn’t a marriage sex is vital to a marriage. It’s also not fair for one person to unilaterally make a decision that affects the relationship as a whole. I am to even talking about the physical l aspect of sex. I mean just feeling loved and wanted and connecting in that way. I do not believe anyone should do anything that they don’t want to do. But she doesn’t seem to care about your feeelings or the marriage. If my husband told me our marriage was on the brink of divorce I sure as shit wouldn’t just nod. I am a similar age group as you and your wife you guys are both still young enough to find what you both need. You get one life and it goes by fast. Live it the best way you can.
I would look into your states laws because some states have a mandatory separation period and I think in some states it can be done while living in the same home. I would get the ball rolling so that when your daughter graduates your exit plan is all in place. Maybe if you wife sees that you are serious she will want to figure it out. I am to saying to use this as an ultimatum because I don’t think they work. I Just mean let her know you are looking into a separation and all that in entails so that you can start that process.
How has your marriage been outside of sex? You mention 2 kids and a steep decline after they were born. What does your partnership look like outside of sex?
Who has been managing the household responsibilities (kids’ school schedules, chores, etc.)? Has your wife been handling the mental load of the family for the past 21 years?
Are you being affectionate and emotionally intimate with her? Planning dates and quality time?
If you’re living a companionate marriage and she seems ok with it then it sounds like there may be some underlying work that needs to be done to rebuild that intimacy without the pressure of sex.
I find that (sweeping generalization so please don’t come for me) men tend to think that intimacy is built by just having sex. Men in these types of situations tend to be shocked when their female partners are checked out after they’ve spent years feeling neglected emotionally which translates to the bedroom.
All of the above factors in top of hormonal, perimenopausal changes should lead you towards the right path forward
If you propose divorce and she nods, it’s not her sex drive, she doesn’t like you. Someone who wants to be married doesn’t immediately agree at the first mention of divorce. This marriage needs to end for both of your sakes.
If you end up getting divorced because of the enforced celibacy, this is going to sound counterintuitive as hell, but don’t have sex for at least a year afterwards. Or rather, don’t get into a relationship for at least a year afterwards.
Even though you’ve comptwmplated divorce, if it happens, your emotions are going to go on a year long roller-coaster ride- wait until they have settled down and you get used to your new life.
Many recently directed men rush into new relationships too fast, usually with the first woman who shows them any attention. The collateral damage is spread all over Reddit every day of the week.
Also, you need to spend time reassuring your kids that you love them and it is not their fault. You kinda have to wait until they are accepting of the situation too, before you can move on.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
You have had a dead bedroom for over a decade. She is happy with that, that kills you. You are fundamentally incompatible and she isnt going to change.
We have one shot of life in this world. Do you want to spend it in this kind of marriage? I think you need to get divorced so you can find happiness in another relationship.
Dont let anyone here tell you you should accept a sexless marriage with a wife that doesnt see that as a problem.
Definitely see if she’d be open to HRT, if it’s recommended by her dr. Testosterone has helped me so much.
Would it work for you if she allows you to sleep with other women?
How are you meeting her emotional needs? Was she the primary parent? Did she carry all the mental load while the kids were growing up?
I think your last line is interesting. You don’t want an open relationship because you don’t want to hurt her, but you are willing to divorce her? Is that not going to hurt her?
You have 4 options here.
1. Stay with your wife and continue to be celibate. Push for therapy, discuss with a doctor, or try new things in bed that excite her. Obviously you’ve tried a lot of these things, so no guarantees.
2. Discuss open marriage with your wife. You can stay in a companionship marriage and seek the physical connection elsewhere. This might be a very hard conversation as you mentioned.
3. Get what you need outside the marriage to stay married and stay sane. Essentially a don’t ask don’t tell open relationship. I don’t condone cheating, but this isn’t always a horrible option depending on the situation.
4. Get a divorce.
I don’t know why you wouldn’t at least consider option #2.
Perimenopause can start as early as your 30s and menopause can start as early as 40s. Your wife needs to find a good menopause-educated doctor. (Dr. Mare Claire Haver on IG has some AMAZING information and books on the subject.)
Menopause can cause all sorts of issues that can impact libido – foggy brain, joint paint, sleeplessness, weight gain, body composition issues, theming hair, dry skin, depression, GI issues, etc.
Bear in mind that there may also be other health related issues as well as relationship issues that can impact her libido.
Get her a good checkup (she should have one anyway as declining hormones can do a number on your long term health – heart and bone issues are no joking matter.
As we get older this can happen, but her lack of desire to even remedy it is concerning.
Would she be ok with you having those needs met another way? It could be completely transactional and not take anything away from the relationship. But to just expect you to suck it up never having sex again is…pretty selfish. It kinda sounds like she quit caring…
> PS Please don’t suggest an open relationship or having an affair. I only want my wife and won’t do that to her.
Not sure what you want to hear then
Find a lawyer, start the divorce. She has already checked out of your relationship. It’s been 6 years mate with no change. That signifies a significant issue with the relationship.
Realize you can love someone to your core and not make a good match as a couple. You have every right to feel desired. She has emotionally, mentally and physically disconnected from you for what ever reason. This itself speaks volumes “she’s not willing to change thing” She is completely satisfied to make damn sure you needs are never met nor even considered. I would even bet she has already found someone else she has started investing her attentions in.
Mate I am 56 years old and have little to no issue finding romantic partners. Both within my own age group and younger. And mate your life will significantly improve. Get your self into a gym and start working on separating your lives. Start cleaning out closets, garage and get rid of anything and everything you do not want to take with you. Start the 180 process to start your healing. No more talk and I would even suggest you start sleeping in another room. Start separating yourself in all aspects of the marriage.
Now once she starts realizing what your doing you will have 2 possible outcomes. First she will start questioning you and she MIGHT then decide she needs to fix things and you may get a chance to reconcile. The second is she will realize what your doing and will not care. This will just further cement your path to the divorce.
I’m not saying your wife is old but at that age, it happens to a lot of women. Also, a lot of women here said something about getting her hormones checked and I’d have to agree with them.
Don’t jump the gun with the divorce. Try therapy with your wife first. And a doctor.
Nah, you’ll get used to it. 😆 After years of it being that way, it’s now something I pursue, and he’s not interested. 🙈
I was 39 and starting over and while it hurt at the time looking back it was the best thing that ever happened to me. There are women out there in your age range looking for you believe that. You’ve just got to find them. It was terrifying being that age and starting over but I hit the gym and started putting in work and before you know it I was ready to date. Life’s too short to be in a loveless marriage…
>I only want my wife and won’t do that to her.
If this is the basis for you this will be difficult.
Because she doesnt want you anymore, she wants a roommate.
And unless youre prepared to accept this and go without sex, well… then its either open marriage or divorce.
You need to speak to her again. And tell her that a life without intimacy (=sex) is not acceptable for you.
Ask how she sees a solution to this.
I assume youve considered the possibility that the reason shes no longer having sex with you, is that her needs are met elsewhere?? And ruled this out??
How has the romantic/non-sexual intimacy in your relationship been? Like cuddling, date nights, holding hands, kissing, hugs, talking about your feelings, etc
I agree with a lot of the comments here — in my last marriage I thought I reached this place too. Turns out I was incredibly depressed. We weren’t able to salvage things, but my sex drive did come back after I got help for my depression
Unfortunately I don’t think that your marriage can be saved at this point. Your wife has expressed that she is not interested in having sex with you & has no desire for you & does not want to try to improve the situation. Although sex is not the most important aspect of a relationship it is a big part of it. Is your wife on any antidepressants? Some can cause a decrease in libido & lack of desire in the partner. It’s very good that you’ll be starting therapy because the constant rejection will have a negative impact on your self esteem, it it hasn’t already. Don’t worry about the dating in your 50s just focus on you. When you feel that you’re ready to date there are plenty of dating sites geared toward older people.
If you truly don’t want to get a divorce perhaps t have a discussion with your partner again, explain how you really don’t want a divorce, but just coexisting together is something that you are not in agreement with, and suggest that she goes to therapy to try to figure out the cause as to why she has no libido but ask her if there is something about you that is making her feel that way towards having sex with you.
what were the relationship issues you mentioned happened a decade ago?
I hate to break it to you but the fact that she doesn’t even WANT to want you is telling.
She’s not romantically in love with you. She probably cares about you as the father of her children but nothing more.
Dating in your 50s isn’t scary. After your youngest graduates, split. This obviously isn’t working for either one of you
Soul crushing mate.
Me Male (66) My wife (64). She has put on weight since marriage. I fancy her like hell … love the curves.. but she has the body dysmorphia thing… hates her body. Sex is a memory.
But she is still my wife and I provide all the money.. I do all the chores… she is becoming very dependent on me. She won’t go for an open marriage despite any intimacy being off the table. She has done HRT…zilch. Counselling….. zilch
I am resigned to the dead bedroom. At 66 too late to change horses.. and she needs lookin after …. it is what you sign up for…
At your age you can still bail out.
XXXX
I mean she says she doesn’t even want to want you.
Low libido is one thing, but seemingly she doesn’t even care what your thought on the matter is or that it could end the relationship.
I know Reddit always jumps to divorce and all that, but I guess just have to join that bandwagon unless you are okay never having sex again and being with someone who would rather divorce than work on the issue.
It’s fair to ask…
What do you look like?
Have you let yerself go?
Maybe if so, she’d rather just leave things at NO rather than hurt yer feelings like if you’ve gotten the emaciated old man Mr Burns body or if you’ve gained a ton of weight n have a Chris Farley build?
Maybe if she is having issues with things from her youth that sexually were abusive she could be in a shit mental state.
Maybe if she’s not feeling respected, appreciated, loved.
Are you mean to her or prone to explosive tempers?
Have words been said to her by you that maybe have stuck her into mental fuckery?
Maybe she wants to divorce but is scared to bring it up?
Maybe try counseling together and separatey?
Wow, I was not expecting this level of response, and overwhelmingly almost all the responses have been positive, not always hopeful but positive nontheless. though I’ve only responded to a few people I’ve read every message.
You’ve all given me a lot to think about and a few ways forward. The door appears to be closing but it’s not closed yet and I’m going to work with that. I need to try and see where my wife is coming from and really understand what she wants and why see wants them.
I’m starting therapy and going to suggest she does to separately at first to see if there is anything there we can build on.
I’m also going to suggest seeing a doctor to see if the menopause and/or her antidepressants are having an impact on her libido.
I’m going to have to try and be sensitive about this. I don’t want her to feel that this is all me hounding her for sex. I want us both to have a happy and fulfilling relationship with a physical element as part of the picture.
If you’re partner doesn’t want to bring it back, then there is nothing more you can do. You are friends, and that is the way it is. There is no reason to be exclusive with someone who doesn’t want to have sex, or help themselves or their marriage. Some people are happy in sex-less marriages, I’m not one of them.
Unfortunately, some people just give up. They will