I recently discovered that I’m autistic, before that I assumed that the reason why I felt that social interaction was so hard was because I didn’t enjoy it so I did my best to avoid them whenever possible and now I don’t know how to network with my colleagues.
Don’t get me wrong, in my work I have to give presentation to my boss (and his boss) and have to speak in public often and I do it great, I know how to make the presentation entertaining enough, shift the focus of the people to the important part, etc. In fact, I went from data analysis to project management just to make the presentations.
My problem is that all my life I have made excuses to avoid social events in the office so even though I’m one of the most productive there, last time there was a promotion opportunity I wasn’t even considered for it. And the one who won wasn’t even close to be the best of the candidates but was better connected.
Yeah, I know that management is the one to blame and I’m looking new jobs but it isn’t the first time I have lost a promotion for lack of connection so independent of that I really have to improve my social skill.
Like I said even though I’m good at talking when I have a plan and have some preparation, when I have to talk without and objective (small talk) I’m absolutely lost, not only it’s difficult but also exhausting so I’m looking for real functional advice for small talk for someone with autism.
PLEASE DON’T SAY “BE YOURSELF” it doesn’t work, I don’t have low selfstem and I like who I’m but I’m neurodivergent, what looks natural for me is going to creep out neurotypical people, sure they probably are going to accept me after some time but my objective isn’t to feel accepted or to have more friends, I’m perfectly fine with the friends I already have.
I just want ideas to a flexible script that I can adapt to have mindless conversation with coworkers, or better yet an explanation of how to create a tailored script for Smalltalk that is useful for autistic people.
3 comments
In general a smalltalk conversation goes: greeting, question, answer question in a way that leaves it open to more interest/questions. e.g. if someone says ‘how are you’ and you say ‘great’ that doesn’t leave an opening for further conversation. If you say, ‘great: (small detail about today or what’s happening in your life)’ then you’ll get a better convo. On their end you take what they say and LINK to it with a relevant comment, question or insight of your own. It’s good to save up incidents, ideas, fun things from your own life to share in small talk situations.
Key: When you greet someone light up a BIG smile. Then having a smaller ‘hint of a smile’ during the conversation really helps with your approachability/warmth.
Speaking with a bit of EMOTION is what helps people feel they ‘click’ with other people and a rapport is developed.
A specific script is less important than being able to channel a bit of positive emotion. That’s how you get a WARM interaction vs one that feels monotone or not too exciting.
I think the reason people on the spectrum struggle with it is that it’s one of those social rituals where the communication that is happening under the surface doesn’t match the words being said out loud.
Small talk isn’t really about the conversation itself; your coworker probably doesn’t actually care where you went to dinner on Friday. Rather, it’s about diffusing awkwardness between strangers, and building a feeling of familiarity with people you see often.
If I spend 5 minutes every morning saying hi to the receptionist, I’m saying “hello, I recognize you as a member of my social circles and I intend to maintain that!” By building that rapport over time with small talk, you open the possibility of deeper friendship later. She might think to herself “hey, maybe I should invite that nice guy from the office to my birthday party.”
When you’re doing small talk, the idea is to say things that invite further discussion. Ask open-ended questions. When answering a question, let yourself ramble instead of quickly and succinctly stating the answer. It’s more about filling the silence than having a deep discussion; there’s a reason it’s often called “bullshitting.” You don’t have to care about the content of the talk at all; just keep them talking.
Talk to autistic midgets. So least you can relate to each other and do small talks at the same time.