I’ll start by saying that I’m still reeling from my partner sleeping with three women and having six online affairs while I was bedridden after a botched spinal surgery. I have progressive MS and am a power wheelchair user – see previous posts. I lost one sister to an overdose three years ago and my mother to cancer last year, just before my surgery. My oldest sister has always been a constant source of major drama and aggression towards me, my mother and my sister who passed. After my surgery in June, she chose to not talk to me until Christmas without so much as an argument between us. She’s super toxic and no one really knows this besides my dad and me. Long story short, I have PTSD and am unable to stand up for myself against someone like her. Mentally or physically. The stress is too much, so I yield.
Now, she’s having and affair on my BIL after 25 years with a married man. She brings him to my house so they aren’t seen in public. Both when I’m there and when I’m not home. I cry pretty much every day about it. I feel trapped and don’t know what to do or say or how to get myself out of this situation. It’s so triggering for me, too, after what I’ve been through with my partner’s own infidelity.
What do I do? HowTF can I handle this? She brings war and I will lose every single time.
35 comments
Why are you letting her in? Get her out of your space.
Do you have a trusted friend who can help you stand up to your sister?
Change your locks, call her husband and maybe start planning to move, also call the cops if she shows up, block her number.
You should call your brother in law, tell him what you’ve told us here, ask him to please come spend the day and to park his car or take ride share so he can be in the house when they get here.
Life hits people harder than others. Looks like you have very toxic people around you. I’d say change the locks and don’t let your sister in your house ever again. If you feel vengeful and are ready to break your relationship with your sister: expose her.
Tell her she is no longer welcome at your house. Change the locks. Call the cops when she shows up at your doorstep and causes trouble.
I am sure every neighbor would be willing to help if you ask.
Tell your BIL. Heck, he might replace the lock for you and help you by tossing his wife out of your life and his too.
Bro why tf are you such a wimpy ass guy? Just get her tf outta your home. If she won’t get out, call the police. She can cheat with whomever she wants but not in your goddamn house. You don’t have to maintain any courtesy or feel ashamed to say anything to her. Be straightforward about what you want to say and try to make her leave without any hassles.
Looking at your replies to comments you are more than happy to let this continue, you don’t want to do anything to stop it so quit complaining, you have endless excuses and ridiculous reasons to just stay silent, so shut it
Boundaries with toxic people are very hard to enforce the first time you do it, but I promise, it gets easier! Ripping off the band aid is going to be a lot less torturous than living with what she is doing to you now. Preserve your self worth.
I would honestly start writing out the reasons you do not want your sister in your life anymore. Write out the ways she has disrespected you and your family. Refer back to the list when you get scared or nervous. You deserve to be treated with respect and you’re the only one that can change this situation. Prepare to go no/low contact with your sister after dropping the truth on your brother in law. It seems like she is highly reactive and not bringing anything positive into your life.
You’ve mentioned in a few comments that you would feel awful for your brother in law if you said something, but I would feel awful for keeping this secret so long! Write him an email and cc your dad if you’re too worried about doing it in person or calling. Definitely change the door code and only share it with people you trust and go low contact with your sister. Practice what you’ll say when she asks why you’re stepping away from her.
I think you just need to tell her you’re not comfortable with this and will be changing the locks/codes so you can control when she has access to your home. Enlist a friend or family member to be your main contact in case of emergency. Just be calm and clear about it. You don’t have to put up with this at all.
Op, when you know she is bringing over her AP. Call the BIL and tell him you need something right away and have him come over.
Or do it while you are out of the house, so you have some deniability.
Have a friend sit outside and snap some pics of them coming and going together. Take those pictures and Anonymously email them to BIL and APs wife. So it looks like a PI did the work.
Stop being a doormate .
Tell her husband.
Change your locks and don’t give her the new keys. Gather evidence and tell your brother in law.
Have you said even a single thing to her about this nor being acceptable?
Have you got security cameras that are recording their coming and going?
Have you told anyone other than a reddit post?
Tell the BIL and dump your sister she’s toxic
Reach out to your dad for help?
Workshop potential conversations with her? What are you afraid will happen? If you say: “I don’t want you to bring your affair partner to my house.” then what will she say? And what can you say to her in return?
She’s only as powerful as you believe and allow her to be in your own home. She has a lot to lose here, not you.
What can she actually do to you? Get mad? Block her. Come to your house and yell? Call the police and change the locks if she has a key. Bad mouth you? She cheated on her partner and will have to face the social consequences.
Stop giving her your power. Tell her she can do what she want with her life but you don’t want her or her side piece in your house. If she continue to disrespect you, you will make sure to tell not only her husband but everyone you both know. You have the leverage.
Change your locks, tell your BIL. Expect not to have a relationship with her going forward, but seems like that might be the best for you anyway.
Change the locks. Lock the door. Don’t take her calls.
Stop dreaming of scenarios where you stand up to your sister’s BS and stand up to her. Find that titanium backbone. Tell her to never darken your doorstep again and that you are handing over all the infidelity proof to BIL and you will no longer assist her in the destruction of her life…..because you are about to lob that grenade into her life…
You. Hold. The. Power.
And if your therapist is not ramming this strength home then discontinue services as they are not effective and just padding their pocketbooks with your visits.
You get the locks changed. And a better therapist. You change your number and hire security.
OR…. install cameras And you out your sister and her AP on social media, full scorched earth.
Call your BIL when she is there with her affair partner.
Personally you would likely need to go totally NC with her if she distresses you as much as you say. The right thing to do would be tell her husband, otherwise you will find no inner peace until you do. Secondly, change your locks as you are doing and block her and if she goes down the harassment route with you, take out a restraining order. You can do this. Just know she will be a tyrant as long as you let her be one. No contact is the only way with people like her.
Change the locks and door codes. You don’t even have to tell her. Then if she tries to get in and reaches out to you, you can just reply “I won’t be sharing my home, sorry.” If she gets rude or nasty just don’t respond, or even block her. Clearly you won’t miss a relationship with her if she distresses you this much.
Just change your locks and stop letting her in. Seriously, you CAN do that.
Change the locks and go no contact. She is a POS. Family doesn’t always have to be blood. It can be the people you choose. Are their any community resources you could use to meet some people? It’s never too late to build your tribe. This ain’t it. Personally, I would tell your BIL but I understand being terrified of what your sister might do. I don’t have any productive advice on that unfortunately. But you need to cut her off. Being family doesn’t give her a free pass to treat you like shit and use you to hide something you yourself have been traumatized by. She sounds like a narcissist tbh.
Change the locks. You need to stop being a doormat.
Tape a note outside your door. Stay Away. I’m sick with Covid.
Change your locks and tell your BIL. Then block her and move on.
Call a locksmith to come and install new locks.
Why do people post and then delete every one of their responses? Why post if you’re not going to heed anyone’s advice?
If you keep allowing your sister to do this then you’re condoning it and enabling it. Like it was said before, you can’t say you can’t get in the middle of this situation. You’re literally the middle person.
Invite her husband over.
Dude what happened here, read this post a few hours ago, came back and she deleted her whole profile?
So this is fake, right? The OP replied to at least two of her own posts as if she was someone else and then deleted her account