I have been thinking. I have been dating a whooole lot last years, without any success. I tend to fall for emotionally unavailable men like Mr Big from Sex & the city. And guys who dumps me as soon as I’ve slept with them. Now I’m exhausted.
I have a male friend whom I’ve known since 15 years back, who is also single. Personality wise, he’s everything I look for on a rational level. He’s warm and kind hearted, we have the same values and political opinions, he’s super funny and we have the same humor. And at the same time he does have this “depth” that is important to me, we have a lot to talk about – both light and heavy stuff. And we like the same movies/series/books etc and have many common interests.
On a physical level, I’ve never exactly felt attracted to him tho. Maybe some sort of “fragment” here and there, but never any real sparks. I don’t feel repulsed by him anyway. Nothing has ever happened physically, anyway. I’ve been thinking about if it would be a good idea to “force” myself to try to see him differently? Any other people who’ve been in similar situations and had any success from this kind of experience?
(I’m not sure at all what he has been thinking about me through the years, even if he was interested I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t tell me because he’s too insecure to tell any girl that.)
4 comments
Don’t. He deserves someone who isn’t wishy washy about him. Someone who really sees him. It’s unfair for you to see him as a compromise when he would probably really treasure you. Let him find real happiness.
As a mental exercise, try reading your post as if it was written by someone else. Maybe a friend of yours or another Redditor. What advice would you give a woman who wrote that?
My advice is don’t do this to him, your friendship, and yourself. You’ll both end up hurt and with one less friend. There’re many good men out there who would not dump you as soon as you’ve had sex with them.
You are not alone in struggling to find a meaningful connection in today’s dating world. Consider working on yourself and gaining a better understanding of why you end up with emotionally unavailable men. Then, when you’re ready, find a good man to whom you’re also physically attracted.
Okay so don’t confess any feels or anything and definitely don’t get his hopes up unless you are sure. But just try fantasizing a little and maybe try to go do something together but during said outing, think of it as kinda of a date to you (only in your head tho). Then see how it makes you feel and if you see a spark start. If your view of him changes then maybe you could move further but only if you are sure you have found that attraction that was buried because you never tried. Definitely don’t try a fling cause you will only lose a long time good friend and leave both of you hurt
This is interesting.
I mean, there’s precedent to say it could work. People in cultures with arranged marriages have found romance after-the-fact.
Personally speaking, my greatest romances sprung from friendship, but there was irresistible chemistry that pushed it into romance, so it’s not quite the same— but I’m always one to tout the relationship benefits of “friends first” situations, and the friendships in all cases were strong enough to survive when the practicality of a long term partnership didn’t gel, and they remain some of my most important friends because of just how well they know me.
Anyway, I think your situation could be worth a shot. If you want to prioritize a practical partnership, sow some seeds for romance to grow, and remain open to surprises, you never know what could blossom.
Honestly, every love story is different, and if you’re fed up with convention and pretense, shake it up, try something bold and new. You have my vote OP, I think this kind of thinking is exciting. You hear too much about “no spark” or “love at first sight”, it’s almost boring.
Good luck OP, big love…