My girlfriend (Eve) has been in touch with an ex (James), and I’m not sure whether to be worried. We otherwise have an awesome relationship, and she’s never given me reason to distrust her. Here’s everything that happened:
**Signs of unresolved feelings around her ex:** the first time we talked about James, Eve was clearly uncomfortable—not because she seemed to be hiding something, but because she seemed hurt by him. Eve told me she and James had been seeing each other until six months before we met, and that they were never officially in a relationship. I got the feeling she had wanted a proper relationship, but he had given her just enough intimacy to keep her on the line. It ultimately fizzled out (he traveled a lot for work), and they never had a closure conversation.
**Conversations with her ex:** it recently came up that Eve still occasionally texts with James. In theory I’m fine with that, especially because she stressed the conversations are short and surface level. Over the next few days, I gradually learned details about their conversations, through a combination of her volunteering info and me asking:
* February: James texted Eve that he would be visiting her hometown (it’s a big city, so this wasn’t too unusual).
* September: James asked Eve how she was doing. After Eve responded, he said he was surprised she answered his text after such a long time. She told him that he didn’t need to worry—she would always respond to his messages. He asked if she was single, and she said no, she was dating me. He said distance had caused things to fail between the two of them. Frustrated, she said that she had, during their situationship, been willing to move to make it work.
* October: James told Eve that he was coming to the city we live in for work and asked whether she wanted to meet up, or whether she was still in a relationship (that’s exactly how she described his question). She said she was still happily in a relationship.
I was bothered by a few things:
1. She didn’t start telling me about these conversations until I asked/they came up. We don’t have any explicit rules about texting exes, but it felt a little secretive.
2. She didn’t give me all the information as soon as we started talking about their conversations. I found out the details over a few days, in spite of asking her whether they talked about anything that might make me feel uncomfortable.
3. The conversations they had didn’t seem to match her characterization of them as short and surface level.
4. Saying she would always respond to him and reminding him that there was a time when she would have moved for him made me feel like she might still be holding onto that relationship.
5. She deleted all the conversations before we talked about them. She claims she tends to delete all conversations that make her feel bad, and she gave me a few examples of other messages she’s deleted. She claims she just doesn’t like to dwell on them.
**Accidentally calling her ex her “back burner” hookup:** a few days ago, we discussed how harmful back burner people are (people who you keep in touch with and might date if your relationship fell through). I mentioned that I feel like some back burner people are more back burner hookups than back burner significant other. Without thinking, she responded that she thinks of James as her back burner hookup. She immediately tried to correct herself, explaining that she meant that he used to be her back burner hookup, but that she’d moved on from that phase of her life.
Since all of this went down, she’s validated my feelings of insecurity, willingly talked through everything that happened, sent James a message that she didn’t want him to contact her again, blocked James on everything, and continued to reassure me that he doesn’t mean anything to her. Nonetheless, I still have a creeping sense of insecurity, and feel sensitive whenever she brings up anyone she’s previously dated. How do you recommend moving forward?
TL;DR: my girlfriend has been having undisclosed conversations with an ex, the ex asked to meet up with her, and she accidentally called her ex her “back burner” hookup if we ever broke up. How can we rebuild trust?
5 comments
I think the insecurity feelings from you are pretty normal but Eve honestly seems like a real one and did everything right. I wouldn’t get too worked up about the back burner talk either, I think she was trying to be honest and also minimize their relationship to make you feel better.
If she unblocks him or starts talking to him elsewhere then things are sketchy. But I think she’s handled everything in a way which is meant to show you she cares about her relationship now. Pay attention, but don’t sweat it too much.
Both things seem to be true. He holds a special place in her heart still. She has taken appropriate measures to deal with it.
This is you letting you’re insecurity ruin things.
This seems more so an uncomfortable situation than a worrying one. Being in a relationship often feels like its own isolated bubble that transcends past experiences, so it naturally feels upsetting that you have been privy to a history of complicated feelings your girlfriend has had for someone else. It seems like your girlfriend’s reluctance to fully elaborate on her conversations come from a place of knowing how unsavoury it sounds – she knew that fully divulging would mean you’d be privy to the fact that even though she has been firm and brief to her ex and clarified she isn’t available, she is also naturally bitter about past feelings of hurt and rejection, which shows in the fact she pointed out to him that the end of their relationship was because of him, not distance.
The back-burner comment is a little more troubling, but does seem like a genuine slip of the tongue. It seems otherwise she’s doing everything right, and part of the discomfort of all of this comes from her desire to be candid about her past experiences and how her feelings have evolved. It can be true that she still feels the hurt of that rejection and heartbreak when she reflects on her ex, but that she has no desire to revisit it and is happy in her relationship with you.
Of course, I imagine this doesn’t mean immediate relief to you. You’ve acknowledged she’s made all the right steps, so that’s what you have to work with. Although, if you have any doubts, that’s another story. If you saw the messages, did you flag any inconsistencies that made you think she deleted any messages within the conversation? Does it bother you that she has communicated with her ex at all? If the answer is no, or if these worries have already been acknowledged or rectified, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
Why would you even want to bother? Why is someone that’s digging through and recycling the trash of her personal life someone worth dating in your mind? Plenty of women out there for you to build something with that aren’t stuck living in the past.
I wouldn’t be on board with my partner having in depth conversations with their ex and hiding that person from me. I also wouldn’t dole out ultimatums, I’d just move on… She lied, either overtly or by ommision, about the nature of their contact. She’s done in my eyes.