Break-ups suck. No easy way around it. My girlfriend and I have been dating for around seven months. We met in a creative writing class I was taking for an elective in college. It was supposed to be a hookup, but after some time we found similar chemistry and ended up together.
I knew since around our third time hanging out that she was into me, but it took me some time to admit the same feelings. It had been three years since my previous relationship with me focused on school and work, where I never really thought about striking a relationship. She’s an awesome person who’s incredibly kind and genuine. That authenticity was something that caught my eye and made me want to try. It was something that felt new, thus we started dating. We’ve never really had an argument, nor have we had any animosity in any way. There has been nothing but wanting the best for each other.
Though for the past few months (since January actually), I’ve felt… off. Like something wasn’t right, namely our compatibility. It started off with things like what we wanted out of life. She wants to get out of college and settle down, and I can’t see myself doing so until I’ve found parts of myself I haven’t found yet. Call it that mid-20s self-righteousness. I also know lately, I’ve had a commitment problem to life in general. The only thing that I’ve focused on was my passion, while other things came second. Then it came to other things like where and how we wanted to live. Our interests are nearly opposite but we \*endure\* them because we care about one another. Though I’ve realized recently that she’s done this more often than I.
Now, I don’t know where I stand. A cycle has commenced where I’ve distanced myself, preparing to break up with her, then I see how she sees me, and the guilt sets in. I can’t stomach the thought and then do something romantic for her as this sort of penance. It’s become unhealthy. I want to talk to her, but how can you even begin to have that conversation? To tell someone you love that we aren’t right for one another. I’ve had my toxic relationships. I’ve experienced cheating, abuse, and altogether resentment. There’s none of this. It’s love, but that love is not meant to last. The more I delay, the more I know I’m going to hurt her.
To finish off before a TL;DR, the biggest proponent of why I don’t break it off is I know how isolated she is right now. She doesn’t necessarily have friends in our area other than some people I introduced her to. Her home is around an hour and a half away from where her parents and long-time friends stay. I know she’s lonely and depends on my company to help. I don’t want to leave her alone, nor feeling like she’s less because she doesn’t know how awesome she is. She just needs the right person to show her that.
TL;DR: I’m struggling to break up with my girlfriend because I know it’ll break her, thus I will feel terrible (selfish).
5 comments
It’s your life, you don’t need to provide a reason to be happy.
Sounds like you just have to bite the bullet here, honestly, even if she’s going to be alone without you. Just let her know that you want different things out of life, it’s no longer working out, but you wish her the best for the future. Hopefully she’ll understand.
Guilt is the worst reason to continue a relationship.
It’s not sunk time if you’re learning and navigating a relationship. But it is wasted time if you’re prolonging the inevitable.
It is not selfish of you to break up ‘for no reason’ but it would be really helpful for you to do some reflecting on what isn’t working out so you can figure out how to recognize these feelings if they happen with someone else.
You should leave for both your sakes, even if you just tell her that for some reason it doesn’t feel right anymore. And start checking in with your emotions more often.
I feel is more selfish to remain with someone to don’t love anymore
>TL;DR: I’m struggling to break up with my girlfriend because I know it’ll break her, thus I will feel terrible (selfish).
The selfish act is staying in the relationship. You’re trying to find some way to get out of this while not potentially looking like the bad guy.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You need to be willing to pay consequences for your actions. Break it off, let her react the way she’s going to react. That could mean she hates you, it could be fine, but really she’s going to be upset. The longer this cowardice continues, the more pain she’s going to feel whether in the relationship (because you’re not in it for real ) or when it ends.
Be a person, take action, face the consequences. You both will be better off.