Almost everyone will tell you they are a great listener. We can’t help but hear other people since our ears are open all the time. We can hold our breath, we can close our eyes, but we can’t stop hearing without physically blocking them. It’s only natural we believe we are good listeners because we can’t help but hear everything.
Before going any further do you do any of the following when hearing someone talk:
\- Understand exactly what the other person is saying within the first few words coming out their mouth
\- Think about something similar that happened to you when someone talks
\- Talk when there is a brief gap in the conversation, only to find the other person hasn’t finished speaking
All these make you a bad listener. Judgement/distraction/waiting for your chance to talk all contribute to showing a lack of empathy and making the other person feel like they haven’t been heard. In order to be a good listener, you have to engage with what the other person saying on an emotional level. You have to understand, they did what they did because it was the best choice for them at the time. You have to be able to acknowledge their decision. It’s the easy to give advice, someone comes to you describing a conflict or issue they are facing, you have the perfect solution! It’s so obvious to you, but it’s the last thing the other person wants to hear.
Think back to a time where you have told someone how you had a bad day at work and your boss is an asshole, for them to reply “you should get a new job!”. Well sure, but that doesn’t make me feel any better and frankly I could’ve come up with that solution myself. Imagine instead they “uh huh, that reminds me, my boss is bad too”, again this is taking the spotlight off you and planting it firmly on themselves. “Sometimes you have to suck it up” again, obvious advice nobody wants to hear when they’re in a bad mood.Good example “I can understand why you think he’s a jerk! He really doesn’t appreciate the effort you put in”.
Levels of listening:
**Level 0** \- Showing zero acknowledgement of what the other person has said, changing the subject. Example. Likely narcissistic or cannot engage with others
**Level 1** \- Basic engagement, “uh-huh”, “yes”. Example. These are often technical/problem solving types. They are only waiting for you to stop speaking so they can offer a solution (one they’ve decided on 3 seconds after you started talking)
**Level 2** \- Relaying a similar experience they had. They reply with something similar that happened to them. These are more comedian types, building a conversation. You never really feel heard though.
**Level 3** \- Relaying what you just said. They repeat back to you what you’ve said with their interpretation. It’s often the approach of therapists to show you that they’ve understood what you said.
**Level 4** \- Emotionally engaging with the other person is saying. You feel the same emotions as the person who is telling you something. If they are pissed at someone, you feel pissed too and relay that back with an honest feeling.
The goal isn’t to spend all your time in Level 4, but to know the appropriate level. If someone stops you in the street to ask for a donation, it is perfectly reasonably to be at level 0, polite but firm no. If you have a job where your job is to solve other peoples problems, then you may mix between level 1 and level 3 occasionally giving an understanding “that does sound frustrating”Great listening lies in level 3 and 4. If you make another person feel value and heard, it shows trust and that they can confide in you. You’ll get to understand who they are and make them feel great.
6 comments
This is quite helpful! I do feel like I do not of the things as my friends all come to me to rant or vent. But I do want to improve 🙂
I’m good
4 is amazing. I have rarely been able to meet that, I’ve experienced both sides and it is fantastic. It’s amazing how being angry with someone can calm their anger. It’s beautiful.
Look at me, falling back to number 2 with my experience above. Ha!
Number 3 is where I try to be. I often revert to 2 & 4 is the goal, mostly when someone feels the need to be heard. It’s great to be able to share that emotion and feel it resonating in someone else too.
Thank you for sharing this. Great reminder of listening skills.
>Imagine instead they “uh huh, that reminds me, my boss is bad too”,
Or… by telling them a story where i have experienced the same thing, i tell them that i get how they feel as i have experienced it myself. This is the way i show acknowledgment of how they feel. They don’t have to ask me questions about my story and should continue on with their story. By telling of a similar experience can be seen/understood as bonding over a similar experience.
>Think back to a time where you have told someone how you had a bad day at work and your boss is an asshole, for them to reply “you should get a new job!”.
It depends. If ones everyday is a bad day at work and the boss is an arse, you tend to lose patience of listening about tje same thing over and over again and will drop “you should get a new job!”. There are people who complain about the same thing over and over again and it does grind on the patience of the listener.
>You feel the same emotions as the person who is telling you something. If they are pissed at someone, you feel pissed too and relay that back with an honest feeling.
That does not sound healthy. I personally wouldn’t want someone who would multiply my emotion. I would want someone who would calm them down, someone who is level-headed. And on the other side, i have enough to deal with my own emotions and don’t want to take on the emotions of others.
Key is not to be thinking what to say next when someone speaks.
With social anxiety this happens a lot, mostly with people who normally don’t have anything to say, because suddenly they have something to contribute to the convo and they can’t wait for the other person to finish talking to share what’s in their mind.
More difficult is : how to be a great talker