This dude had nothing when I met him. Played the ‘innocent inexperienced man just looking for love’ card. Started coming over more and more and before I knew it he was living in my house. Fast forward a couple months- I find out he’s talking to like 30 females on his Snapchat. I give him another chance. Fast forward another month- I find out he’s been texting and calling his ex gf every day pretending he’s single and deleting all evidence before getting home from work. I give him another chance. A few more months go by- I find out he’s on bumble talking to a bunch of women acting single. Another chance. Couple more months and I find out I’m pregnant. He CRIES HE’S SOOOO HAPPY to have this life changing experience with me! A couple months later- he out of nowhere hops on a bus(he has nothing, no car) and moves back to his family’s house 2 hours away. After a week he’s crying begging to come back swearing he hasn’t done anything. I let him back. Find out the reason he left was bc he was catching up with those old bumble girls he dropped months ago – gotta keep old relationships alive right?! I STILL allow this dude to stay in my mother effin house with my kids and use my car and money and all my resources- now you tell me WHY. After 2 damn years of chance after chance. This *boy* decides to, yet again, when I’m 7 months pregnant with his already named and well developed son, cheat on me again and have an entire secret RELATIONSHIP I don’t know about?! While sleeping in my bed every night, feeling my baby kicking every day, rubbing my pregnant body down for me. I messaged this girl to find out the truth and she was horrified! Didn’t know I existed and was convinced he was saving up to move out of his “parents house” to be with her!
Anyways. I still let the dude stay. I still let him be at the birth of his son. I still gave our son his last name. I still gave him a damn chance.
And what does he do 2 weeks after baby boy is born? Tells me he wants to move into my spare room and be single but still live in my house, use my car, my money, eat my damn groceries.
I finally kicked him out.
Now I’m “withholding” his son and ruining his life and he can’t believe I would do such a thing.
Can anyone here tell me what the actual F I did wrong?! OTHER THAN giving this boy wayyyyy too many chances? Like I’m here being a mom and focusing on my life and family while he’s out there telling his warped version of his sob story to who-knows how many new “friends” of his. I’m the bad guy right.
14 comments
Yes exactly as you said you gave him way too many chances. He showed you time and time again who he was and you were shocked every time?
You didn’t do anything wrong. Some people just suck and for most good people it takes a few times to learn that lesson because we want to see the good in others.
Good job on kicking him to the curb — just stick to your guns and keep him out of your life.
The saying love is blind is definitely true… you just closed your eyes every time he did something wrong, and instead of throwing him out, you gave him chance after chance. He knew you were going to forgive him, so he kept doing it. He’s a fucking asshole for taking advantage of you like that. Hope he chokes.
What. you did wrong was forgiving him the first time he f-ed up. He showed you who he was and you didn’t believe him.
Now, it’s time to be strong and stay strong. Don’t let him come back EVER. Talk to a lawyer about custody and make sure he gets limited access to his son.
You can do this. You don’t need to waste another precious moment on this loser. Good luck!!
You’ve clearly been too forgiving and ignored a lot of red flags. But just knowing “what the actual F” you did wrong isn’t going to salvage this situation. Your absolute priority now has to be getting the legal wrangling done to make sure you can keep at least partial custody of your son. It’s not fun, it does nothing to assuage your hurt feelings, but it’s completely and unarguably mandatory if you hope to give your kid any hint of a stable life. Get the paperwork filed and demand child support even though at the moment he probably can’t afford to pay it, but you need the decree in the record. You’re not allowed to “withhold” his son unless you can get a judge to strip his parental rights and you’re probably going to end up with a shared custody situation (or at least visitation wherein you have to be civil with him). Becoming a parent also has to come with a shift in priorities. It doesn’t matter what BS he’s telling people. Literally all that matters in this moment is getting legal custody of your child and planning a way to raise that child with as little psychological damage as possible. This is not an ideal way to start life but it doesn’t have to be a disaster. You’re not a teen mom and you can do this with maturity if you can emotionally move past this idiot and his nonsense.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were far too generous and forgiving, and he took advantage of your kindness. It’s clear that he has no respect for you or your family, and he doesn’t deserve any more chances. It’s time to prioritize yourself and your children, and cut ties with someone who clearly doesn’t value you. You deserve better and it’s time to move on from this toxic situation.
What did you do wrong? Not believe him after he showed you who he was over and over and over and over and over again.
You willingly kept him around long enough to get pregnant by him and you’re wondering what you did wrong? Girl, you brought this on yourself.
My ex-husbands current partner is currently being dragged thru the courts, at HUGE expense (to them, he’s getting legal aid), by her last partner, and honestly, as much as he’s being an absolute c%}+, I’m finding it extremely difficult to have sympathy, considering she HELPED him do the same thing to his last child’s mother, and also decided to have a baby with him long after she knew what he was like. I just…. I can’t wrap my head around it. WHY would you permanently tie yourself to someone who has consistently proven they’re an asshole? WHY would you HELP him be an absolute piece of s$&@ to someone else and think he wont do the exact same to you?? You seem to be very much in the same situation. Like, it sucks, and I’m sorry, but how in gods name did you fail to see this coming???
C’mon, admit it. You love us bad boys, chicks always do . . . 😉
You’ve got to focus on yourself now. What lessons do you want to teach your children on valuing themselves? What do you want to teach them about what kind of treatment to accept or not accept from partners? You can’t undo your mistakes now, but you can accept that they were choices that you made & figure out why you made them so you don’t repeat them.
Should’ve ended it first time he cheated. He saw you as an easy to deceive person and took advantage of that to walk all over you.
Fool me once….
I really hate everyone slamming down on you as if it were the easiest thing in the world to set boundaries and value oneself. It’s not. If you grew up abused and or neglected this shit is in fact really tough. The feeling of “other people deserve better but I am not other people”, having kind of empathy for treating you wrong cause you consider yourself of no worth. Even if you have the strength to leave or accept that what’s happening is not ok then immense fear and anxiety will creep in once again you are abondoned, unloved, left behind. So, that said. Did you brought it on yourself? Kind of, but let’s be honest here, he is still shit. Is it easy to let go? No. Will you be tempted to take him back? Absolutely. If he treats you like shot that is strangely familiar and kind a feels like “home”. You need to break that cycle. Therapy can help but is not always available. Get into the topic of self help and self love. There are a ton of resources, books and YouTube clips out there. Accept the thought that no partner is better then a bad partner. When you struggle (cause you will, it’s a really tough road ahead) just remember this: kids learn our modelled behaviour. If you don’t stop, your kids will be treated the exact same way you have been treated.
Wish you all the best