Have you ever dated someone with trauma? How was it?

32 comments

  1. Yes. It requires empathy, patience, and understanding, but coincidentally, you should have those qualities for a successful relationship anyway.

  2. This is way too vague considering most of people, if not everyone, have some kind of trauma.

    But as for having a trauma and also making of it your entire personality (which I think is what you mean), sadly yes.

  3. run. fuck that run. its not worth. you can literally do everything in your power for them and they will still cheat and blame you

  4. My current casual girlfriend was sex trafficked to get to the US and basically worked as a sex worker for 5 years before getting rescued. That was over a decade ago. The therapy she got was completely inadequate. We are working through it now, slowly. She’s a sweet, kind woman with truly shocking boundaries that sometimes don’t make any sense. Like, we’ve been dating a year and I still have no pictures of her or us together.

    The creepy part on my side is that I’ve been to sex workers (always been careful to avoid anything around sex trafficking) and have had friends who were sex workers all my adult life. So, I’m kind of familiar with that world.

  6. Literally, everyone has trauma. In medical terms, trauma is a wound. Life is inherently full of loss, so we all carry wounds.

    The difference is that some of us learn to manage it properly—largely due to community support, and some don’t. Advances in modern medicine have been great, but imo, it’s limited by the fact that we separate the mind and the body. They are inextricably linked.

    A person with undiagnosed mental issues existing in isolation is the same as someone with a chronic illness not receiving the treatment they need. The symptoms increase in number and intensity, and it leads to a shorter life expectancy.

  8. I’ve dated a couple of people with prominent trauma symptoms. The most significant was a woman who often felt the need to just get away and be alone, and would lash out at people in that time. She was able to communicate that to me before it ever became a problem and we came to an understanding about what to do if she suddenly really intensely needed space. Because we’d talked about it, we never had any big issues with it. She lashed out at me a few times but it was very easy to tell that it was trauma induced, not genuine, and she sincerely apologized when she was feeling better. The relationship ultimately ended because we just wanted different things.

  9. Yep, been together 10 years. As corny as it sounds love got us through it. It can be hard at times but when you have that love for someone you are willing to put on that extra work.

  10. Wife was molested by a family friend at a young age. She still has moments of fear from it. Has even been through counseling. Can be brutal at times, but I have extreme patience with it.

  11. Yes. Depends on the trauma and the person. Some people will put all their struggles to you, others know how to manage themselves, some are in between.

    Having trauma doesn’t mean you can pass your difficulty to someone else, but love is patient, love is kind. Helping the person you love is important.

    There’s a healthy middle ground

  14. Dated a girl who’s trauma slowly came out through the relationship. The sex was outstanding, turns out she was sexually focused due to her personality being diagnosed borderline. On her medication, she was like talking to a blank wall. Off her medication, we were fucking 7 times a day. Eventually it got tiresome whipsawing between dating two different people and I broke up with her.

  15. Tried to. Didn’t work out.

    Everything was fine at first but in my completely uneducated opinion, she never dealt with it in a healthy way. Like if i turned her down, or wasn’t extremely rough with her during sex, or if I called her out for something she said because she used extremely black humor all the time and it was exhausting especially when it was completely out of place and unwarranted – anything like that would start an argument right there that would last for days. If I looked at or spoke to another girl, she would get jealous and try to retaliate by just being extra. Etc etc it was a mess

  17. Yes, twice. And it was the most stressful time of my life. I loved both of them, but the energy required was not practical. The last girl I will not forget. I’d get a phone call in the middle of the night with her crying acting all paranoid. She was abused by her ex-boyfriend. I go “I’m here for you and will stay on the phone for however long you need it. You need rest. I’ll be here until you fall asleep”. She would get all angry with me for not listening. I literally offered to be there for her. Not sure what she heard, but I was listening. So I recommend that I come over and we cuddle so she’d feel comfortable and maybe fall asleep. No, not good enough. She would yell at me for hinting at sex. Not at all what I was hinting at. Wasn’t hinting at anything. The phone call lasted for three hours. It was mostly her telling me how much I don’t care about her and how I reminded her of the ex-boyfriend. We didn’t last long. I broke up with her, but promised I would stay around until she settled in with a therapist. She really needed professional help. I paid for the first couple sessions. It didn’t do anything for her. She stopped going and stopped communicating with me. Last I heard she is dating a guy that treats her like shit. I feel that because I cared, it was a concept she wasn’t accustomed to. And it was weird to have a relationship that could have been the one she would come out on top.

  18. My ex’s parents had a messy divorce when she was young and her dad didn’t sound like a pleasant guy from what they told me. Most of her aunts are divorced so her family had a mistrust of men. She never fully opened up in our relationship and didn’t make much time for me. She was in her last year getting her Master’s so I thought she’d make more time when she graduated but nothing changed. When we broke up she said she didn’t think she was meant for relationships and I told her I was tired of feeling hurt and unwanted. I loved her and would do anything for her but it was a one-sided relationship.

  19. Most people have some sort of trauma so this question is vague, you would have to specify the type of trauma to narrow down the pool

  22. I’ve dated a few,

    The first was a highschool crush who ended up choosing the wrong guy, then reached out to me after a domestic dispute, psych eval, etc… I was the port in a storm. She was very open and vulnerable with me, but qas trying to rush sex as a means of approval, security, etc… like sitting in her dad’s car in their driveway in broad daylight and being like “I’ll give you a blow job if you want one” then seemed baffled when I refused. Then a while later watching a movie in the living room while her parents were in the next room over, and she’d be like “You can fuck me if you want, I want to sleep with you.” Girl, I’m 15, you’re 19 this is not a healthy move for you, stop it.

    My first girlfriend had history, self harm, etc… she was manipulative and would use it to control me. She was toxic but my friends noticed we had refined it into almost a game we’d play. It was not the healthiest relationship, after 2 years, when I broke up with her she tried to convince me she was pregnant.

    A few along the way were just really anxious about non-things, like her mom was coming to visit and wanted to meet me, I said I was down, and she started sobbing and shaking. I never really learned what that was about as she didn’t want to talk about it aside from saying her Mon was cruel. She also started to cry before we had sex for the first time, so I covered her, got redressed and offered to make her soup instead.

    My wife has trauma, and its to this day a challenge sometimes. Weird things trigger her, and you only really learn what those are once you accidentally stumble into them so a good day can suddenly spiral because of a song on the radio, or a certain phrase. It has impacted things, the first few years it felt like our sex life was shared with ghosts because certain things were triggering. To this day, I can cause an anxiety attack if I hold a hug too long. There are other neurodivergent contributers at play, but trauma colours her perceptions of intimacy, she’s bad at regulating her emotions and I have to be perpetually mindful in what I say, how I say it, body language, etc… it can be a challenge sometimes, not taking things personally and coming from a place of understanding, it’s not always easy.

  23. Almost exclusively! It varies, largely depending on how much healing the person has been able to do. I’ve got enough of my own that it’s easy enough to relate, but yeah, it depends a ton on whether they’ve gotten to a place of peace or are still hurting and being triggered by reminders (which, depending on the thing, you may have little ability to prevent).

  24. I dated a girl that was raped. She told me once and it never came up again. It was like any other relationship. We just weren’t compatible so it ended.

  26. Doing it now, with someone suffering from DEEP trauma/cptsd.

    It can be exhausting, as she repeats, and relives every moment ad nauseum.

    She’s become really attached to me; almost obsessive. I’ve learned how to regulate my emotions, and this seems to have a calming effect on her. But, I’m beginning to feel like an emotional support dog.

    For my own mental health, I really should disengage from her. But, since I’ve made no commitments, I’m kind of riding things out. Could be a dick move on my part.

    Most of us are broken in some ways, and there isn’t a single woman I’ve been involved with, that didn’t have baggage. But the current one is off the charts.

    She’s in therapy, and on antidepressants. She wants to be better. I’m just not sure I can withstand the journey with her.

    This says more about me, than her: I wouldn’t have stuck around this long (roughly 6 months) if I didn’t find her gorgeous.

    I know I kinda want it both ways, like a friend with benefits. She doesn’t want that. I’m at a crossroad, and feeling guilty regarding my own behavior.

    Tldr; it’s rough, but don’t ignore that you may have trauma you haven’t recognized.

  27. Married to someone with trauma. Its an emotional roller coaster and after 10 years of being together she decided on her own to seek counseling. I have done nothing but support her and even though we do fight we are always there for each other

  28. I dated a chick who was 31 and I was just 21.

    unfortunately the stereotypes were true. even though she isn’t a sl*t per say, everything in the science and sociology textbooks about woman that have been with too many men is true.

    No trust, she was super insecure, bipolar, great sex. so sometimes she would ghost me, other times she played too hard to get it was annoying. all for it to end in a cry fest as to why she hated herself and didn’t think she would find someone to marry, that she was getting old.

    ive dated other chicks too but the ones with too much trauma its just too much. For men its easier because once we learn to deal with it it just becomes a war scar where you wear it with honor. with women its like they lose a piece of their soul and no matter how hard you try, if its someone like their father who they hate super hard for them to get over it

  29. Not bad at all. They need a lot more communication and paitience but lots of people have trauma so its nothing new

  30. Yes. It was awful. Would not recommend. I am a man of science so I had to test this multiple times to make sure it wasn’t just one bad apple. Nope. Traumatized people make are just difficult to date.

  31. I dated a girl with a history of self harm (all in the past).

    I didn’t behave as well as what she deserved. I wasn’t “bad”, just “immature”, but I am glossing over a lot and in the end everyone was the asshole.

    That’s beside the point, though. I’m only accountable for my own actions. So if I did it again, I’d have treated her less like an option. Her past trauma, I guess, made it easier for me to get away with that.

    Lesson? Be responsible and accountable. But obviously that holds true for every interaction, because everyone has trauma (to one level or another).

  32. Fucking dreadful don’t do it, don’t try and fix a broken person because you’ll only find yourself broken.

    She was completely self absorbed and couldn’t think about me ever, even after I called it out many times.

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