I(26M) and my girlfriend (26F) are having this marriage conversations. Then I realized I don’t know what I would do if she ever says no. She asked me if I would ask her again if that happened, then I didn’t know the answer. Maybe at least for now.
I’d love to hear more about your experiences. What happened to your relationship short term and long term?
Edit: for context, the reasons she would say no if I propose soon is that she thinks we’re too young and should get married at 30. She also wants to be a lawyer using her maiden name. For me, I want to settle with her and be living in the same roof in the next 2-3 years.
33 comments
No means no. On to the next.
Not me personally but a friend asked his girlfriend to marry him when they were both 28, she said no. He was willing to work past it and thought because they are not in the same place now, doesn’t mean they won’t be on the future. However m, when asking why she wasn’t able to say yes, the reasoning ended their relationship.
Her reasoning was basically they have been together a long time, since they were 19, so she wasn’t sure if she could settle down yet.
Meaning that in her mind there was a part of her that still wanted to experience other people etc.
So, I guess the reasoning for saying no is important, for instance, if the reasoning is: “you have been unemployed for 2 years and not actively seeking work, I can’t commit to you until you are able to prove you can partner with me to build a good life” then that is something you can work past
This didn’t happen to me, but if it did, it’s a one and done.
If you don’t know what her answer will be when you ask, you kind of know.
I’d say the relationship is over at that point depending on how she responds. I think the best time to propose is when she starts hinting at marriage and talking about marriage and married people all the time. She’ll “let you know” when she’s ready.
Never happened to me, but I wouldn’t ask unless I was sure she wanted me to. If I get a no it’s because she changed her mind and didn’t tell me or some BS I wouldn’t tolerate. Like I’ve heard stories of guys getting rejected not because she didn’t want to but because she had to have it done in the way she wanted. Like the dude went out of his way to make it special in his kind of way but she told him she wanted it this way and this way only. Idk if he couldn’t afford it, it was unreasonable or he didn’t do it her way to make it a surprise, but she said no and actually got mad at him for not doing it her way. In a case like that I’m out!
If you don’t know the answer before you propose, you have already messed up. Marriage is not something you spring on someone unexpectedly. You should both be in complete agreement. Now if you purposely choose to propose in a spot she hates (i.e. at a baseball game and she would not find that cute) she may say no and force you to try again.
Here’s the fighter pilot version:
Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, “Will you marry me?”
The princess said, “No!* And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew fighters all over the world then went to work for the airlines and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftovers, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin’ cool. And he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
I broke up with her. If there is no forever then I’m out.
You can get engaged but not marry until 30.
If you are not adamant about her taking your name losing her maiden name in the process, that part is also not set in stone.
I don’t know if you have communicated it yet to her, but if not: do.
If you are not adamant about the name thing and can wait with marriage, even if not engagement, until 30, yet she is still willing to die on this hill, I would personally call it quits because at that moment these 2 examples would be nothing more than excuses.
Like five years ago, my friend proposed and she said no. Six months later, she proposed and he said no. They are currently living together and expecting their second kid.
I moved on, ended it with her and enjoyed my single life. In hindsight, it was for the best we both fell out of love after a while and I thought I was trying to salvage something with a proposal.
It really depends on the reasoning. There’s a difference between “No, I don’t see a life with you” and “I do see a life with you but let’s wait a bit before we get married”.
In the first case, it’s obviously a breakup. In the second, it can be discussed and probably agreed on.
If I would ever ask a girl to marry me, which is not likely, and she said no, the relationship is over.
> I don’t know what I would do if she ever says no
You shouldn’t ask if you don’t already know the answer. The timing of a proposal may be a surprise, but the answer shouldn’t be.
My ex said yes but left before we ever got married because she wanted to try more dicks. She’d already had at least a dozen before I got there and told me she’d had enough, but I figured out eventually that about every two years she was cheating on me.
Honestly I was pretty shattered, id been looking up to this for a while now, plenty of conversations around this so I had a very good idea that this is what she wanted and I had no indication that she may have changed her mind. I knew exactly what she wanted and how because she’d fucking written out down for me at one point.
Honestly you could look up in the dictionary for jaw dropped, and there you’ll find me right after she said no, wide eyed, hands still holding the box and every thing.
People say the next few days are the worst but honestly it was the drive after that was the worst for me. The devastation of what had happened couldn’t be allowed to play on my face because she was right next to me because I had to drive her the fuck home.
But silver lining is, I had to move on and adapt. No matter how difficult it is to realise it. But the fact is no matter how sure you are and how many days you spend making sure your wife wants KFC too, she’s very likely to turn around on the day and day she feels like having maccies instead
Unbelievable.
Yo girl, you fine, wanna be exclusive and grow older together?
Yeah nah bro, I wanna spend my best years not with you. Maybe later though!
Changing names for marriage is a traditional choice, not a requirement. Unless you make it one.
Hey, you guys have very different goals dude. Consider that
I think the bigger question is why specifically 30.
If she wants you both to have a better foundation to create a life together, raise a family, etc, I think it’s a valid reason. Marriage will usually pressure her to have kids, maybe she wants her career to take off before that next step.
So talk to her.
I mean why would you ask if she might say no? I knew my wife wanted to marry me before I proposed. We got married at 23. All her family got married at 28+ because they are all career focused and told us we were too young and we had our whole lives ahead of us and our response was we want to spend that together as husband and wife.
Instead of facing a possible no and explanation afterwards, ask why she thinks you’re too young. Why does she want to wait till 30 instead of getting married now? It cant simply be because she wants to be a lawyer with her maiden name. She can keep that when you guys get married too or you can take hers
If you’re in a serious relationship, you can always ask them beforehand. You could say, I’m not proposing right now, but what are your thoughts if we were to ever get married? I want to see what you think and talk about it since we’ve been dating for a while to see what you expect from our relationship longterm?
Honestly if you’re in a proper relationship it’s clear as day what the answer is going to be. If you think she’s going to say no, you subconscious know something is wrong
Here’s the thing. If you’re doing a traditional proposal it should be a surprise!
But that surprise should be ‘OMG it’s today! Yes!!’ The surprise shouldn’t be ‘OMG you want to get married??!!”
Getting a no to me tells me you haven’t really discussed the matter with your partner. That you’re acting on your wants not the shared wants. Or maybe you’re ignoring a hardline they gave (ie: my wife said she’d say no if I asked at a sporting event). Either way, at the point you’re ready to propose you should know what they want, how they imagine it. Etc.
The proposal should be a surprise but one you planned knowing perfectly well what your partner wants, expects and, most importantly, that they’re ready for.
My brother asked his Catalonian girl friend to may him. She said no it the most Catalonian way: “we could but it would be to expensive”.
They got married a few years later.
I know this is a broad genralization, but proposing should not be a suprise. How you propose can be.
If they said no for practical reasons like “we aren’t financially stable enough yet” then maybe I would ask again. If she wasn’t sure about me specifically I would just move on. Proposing and getting married is too much of a burden to go through with someone who isn’t sure about marrying you especially when their reasons might not be something changeable.
As someone planning a proposal I already know the answer because we’ve discussed marriage before .
We have discussed the logistics of where we are going to live , finances , and other details .
It’s still going to be a surprise as in it’s going to be on an unexpected date so it’s going to be “surprise “ for her.
I wouldn’t ask somebody to marry me without discussing marriage beforehand with them .
Thank you all for your inputs. I want her to have the luxury of saying no as well so I can know her real answer instead of asking with her knowing if she says no, I would leave. I want her to say yes because she wants to not because out of fear that I might not continue with our relationship.
One of the reasons she’d say no if I propose soon is because she’d want us to be stable first financially wise and her finishing law school and passing bar exam.
I guess we really won’t ever know until we cross the bridge.
If you’re having a marriage conversation , and you propose there should be no way she says no. Either she wants to marry you or don’t. You can be engaged two or three years. But to have this conversation and say wait 3 years to propose to me is utter ridiculousness
I don’t get proposing if you’re not sure she’ll say yes. You shouldn’t even go shopping for a ring unless you’ve already talked about marriage and if you think you’re ready.
I (27M) recently proposes to my (28F) Fianceé.
We have absolutely no plans on marrying within 2-3 years / before we’re both 30.
We just know we are comitted to doing so.
My uncle/aunt were engaged at least 10+ years, now married with a kid.
I don’t think anyone should propose if they’re actually asking in order to find out the answer. I don’t really see the point in it personally – if you’ve discussed marriage and agreed that it’s what you both want, just say you’ll do it. ‘Agreeing that the guy will propose’ just seems a bit weird. But hey, if that’s how you want to play it, fire away. Not my business.
>She also wants to be a lawyer using her maiden name.
She doesn’t have to change her name when you get married.
I don’t get how anyone could propose and have any doubt about the outcome.