After my wedding, I (30F) learned that my Mother-in-Law (MIL) (60F) had wanted to walk her only son (30M), my husband, down the aisle during our church ceremony. The signs of her discontent became apparent during the reception, where she acted in ways that disrupted the celebration. She attempted to draw attention to herself and my Father-in-Law (60M) during the cake cutting, and during cocktail hour, they seemed to deplete our bar tab with their friends. Her attitude remained off after the wedding.
During the wedding planning, my husband had a conversation with his mother about her wishes. She briefly mentioned her concerns, expressing her desire for him not to appear as if he had no family. However, no final decision was reached during their conversation, and my husband didn’t revisit the subject. What complicated matters was that I had no knowledge of this conversation. I was the one overseeing the entire wedding process, from the church to the reception, yet she never discussed the matter with me. If I had known, I would have made sure that she could walk down the aisle with her son.
The situation escalated during the rehearsal at the church when she discovered that my husband wouldn’t be walking down the aisle at all. Instead, he would enter from the side with the groomsmen. She remained distant and quiet throughout the rehearsal and the church ceremony. She and my Father-in-Law even missed getting ready photos with my husband, as they disappeared when the photographer arrived. This, unfortunately, led to them missing photos with their son and now they are blaming me and my family for casting them aside.
Following the church ceremony, they asserted themselves at the reception, causing disruptions. Despite these challenges, thanks to my family and the venue coordinator, the reception proceeded smoothly.
My primary concern revolves around my husband’s overwhelming guilt and his persistent efforts to appease his parents, which I find emotionally draining. When I asked my husband why he hadn’t revisited the subject with his mother during our wedding planning, he explained that he didn’t want to burden his parents with religious matters, given that they hold strongly anti-religious beliefs—a decision he now regrets.
In addition to this observation, I’d like to point out the complexity of my husband’s relationship with his parents. They operated within a unique dynamic, forming a sort of trio where my husband was expected to be both an obedient child and the one handling their financial and paperwork responsibilities. This arrangement often placed him in a dual role, somewhere between child and parent.
Looking ahead, I’m eager to ensure such misunderstandings don’t occur again.
What can I do to make sure this type of thing does not happen again?
How do I help my husband move on?
24 comments
Has your husband ever talked to a therapist about this difficult family dynamic? Would he?
You can help your husband by setting your own boundaries to protect your marriage from his parents’ assholery; and by encouraging your husband to get counseling so he can change this awful dynamic he’s been trained into.
All you can do is be supportive and there to talk things through. This is clearly a him issue.
Your MIL is manipulating your husband and is acting like a child throwing a tantrum. He needs therapy to understand how to hand his parents and to let go of the guilt.
He needs therapy, his parents have treated him horribly his whole life and have trained him to give them what they want, or they punish him. You can help by being supportive, reminding him that it’s not his job to manage his parents’ emotions, he’s an adult with his own life and he doesn’t need to live or die by their approval. Again, he will need some professional help.
As part of his therapy process, work with him on establishing boundaries with his parents, reminding him that you are just as impacted by their awful behaviors as he is.
I mean, how awful of a person do you have to be to do what they did. Most grooms do not walk, or get walked, down the aisle. They’re not mad because they were “excluded”, they’re mad because they wanted their own little moment in the spotlight, and when it wasn’t given to them, they decided to have it by acting like asses at the reception.
I wish you both luck.
Where did he learn his religious beliefs if his parents are strongly anti-religious?
This is MIL wanting her own “Fairy Godmother” moment. Your husband needs to focus on how satisfied you and him were. It was the day for the two of you, so the MIL is being a narcissist by playing guilt trip on the two of you post wedding.
Your husband is showing some “mama’s boy” tendencies that he needs to overcome, or she will try to do this on ever decision in life. It is your husband’s job to put her in her lane. It is disrespectful to you as his wife to do otherwise.
Your husband would probably benefit from reading the books [Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/23129659), and [Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/944267.Boundaries). His dynamic with his parents is not normal or healthy, and he needs to learn how to set strong boundaries with them and to not take responsibility for how they choose to react to his boundaries and decisions. Therapy (if it’s affordable) to unpack this unhealthy family dynamic and work on setting healthy boundaries would also be a good idea.
As for the guilt he feels about his parent’s reaction to the wedding: Guilt can be a helpful feeling when you’ve wronged someone, because it helps you hopefully make better choices in the future and grow to be a better person. However there are times when guilt is what my therapist called “**inappropriate guilt**”, and **that’s when you feel guilty over things you don’t need to, don’t deserve to, or shouldn’t ever feel guilty for.** Oftentimes we feel this inappropriate guilt when others get upset over or strongly disagree with our choices/boundaries, especially if they also guilt trip us about it.
I’ve dealt with inappropriate guilt many times in my life before. My therapist recommended me to go through these questions and phrases when I’m wondering if my guilt is “appropriate” or “inappropriate” guilt:
– Why are you feeling guilty?
– Did you actually do something wrong or cause real harm to the other person? (*And no, them being inconvenienced or upset that they didn’t get their way is NOT harm!*)
– Or did you do something innocuous (not harmful) that the other person just doesn’t *want* you to do?
– Does the other person have an ulterior motive for making you feel guilty?
– Is the other person a reasonable, trustworthy person? Or do they have a history of manipulation, selfishness, guilt tripping, mooching, and/or cruel behavior?
If you *did* do wrong then apologize and make things right with the person you wronged/harmed.
**However** if you *didn’t* do anything wrong and they’re guilt tripping you then reminding yourself of these phrases might help:
– You’re not responsible for other people’s emotions or how they **choose** to react to your decisions. If your actions aren’t harming anyone, yet someone else **chooses** to be upset over it anyways, then that’s *their* choice to make- *let them be upset!*
– You are not responsible for other people’s (or their children’s) mental, emotional, financial, or physical well-being. It’s on *them* to take care of themselves and their dependents, not you.
– It’s ok to disagree with other people over your choices.
– It’s ok for other people to be upset over your choices.
– It’s ok to say “no” to something that harms or inconveniences you, or even if you just plain don’t want to do it.
– Just because someone is upset it doesn’t automatically mean you did anything wrong. Sometimes people get upset just because they’re not getting their way.
– It’s not your job to fix the situation or their emotions. Their emotions are *their* responsibility to manage.
– **Being a good person does not equal being a doormat!** You can be a kind, generous person *and* set healthy boundaries, refuse to tolerate disrespect towards you/your loved ones, and not allow others to take advantage of you.
– You matter too! Prioritizing your mental, emotional, financial, and physical well-being is important.
– *Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.* If helping them hurts you, then say no!
Your husband’s parents **CHOOSE** not to speak up beforehand about wanting more of a role in the wedding. Your husband’s parents **CHOOSE** to miss out on participating in photos in order to go pout instead. Your husband’s parents then **CHOOSE** to throw an embarrassing toddler tantrum at the wedding. Your husband is not responsible for them being upset over the natural consequences of their own poor choices, and it’s not his job to bend over backwards to mollycoddle them so they can avoid negative feelings.
The word you are looking for to describe your husband’s relationship with is parents is “***enmeshed***”. There are a ton of posts here on Reddit to help you understand the dynamic and what may be needed if/when your husband is ready to recognize how unhealthy it can be and wants to break free from it.
Question, why wasn’t the plan changed when she voiced wanting to walk down the aisle at the rehearsal? It’s too late now but it should have been addressed right then. Just like it should be addressed now before it gets any worse…
Your husband needs therapy, and he needs to set some hard and fast boundaries. Please look up emotional incest and enmeshment, as a start.
Please have him go to therapy. If it was THAT important to his mom, she should have brought it up again or just said at the rehearsal “Oh dear, wasn’t I walking you down the aisle?” This is classic BS, she is excited you gave her fuel for her tantrum. Ask me how I know.
You are dealing with two separate problems. In summary, your husband and his parents likely have an avoidant attachment. The way you describe their interactions reveal the classic traits that one would expect from avoidant behaviour.
The second problem is that your husband sounds like he suffers from something called enmeshment. There is a term to describe what you outline in your last paragraph. And that it your husband is demonstrating that he is a “surrogate spouse”. Many people with a fearful avoidant attachment, also suffer from enmeshment.
It’s late for me right now where I live, but will explain all of this in a lot more detail tomorrow….
Edit: just seen some comments talking about boundaries. This won’t be the only problem and seeking counselling in how to set boundaries is not enough. The damage caused by emotional neglect in childhood has a huge effect on the autonomic nervous system. So much more needs to be repaired. Enmeshment in particular is very hard to resolve! If CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) comes up, know that this is likely the wrong therapy for your husband. Like I said, I will explain everything you need to know tomorrow…
Concentrate on your relationship, and leave her alone for a while. This is why weddings are a pain. Why do people go through this? Just run away and get married.
Please head over to r/JustnoMIL
I think you can help most by listening to him and letting him unburden himself to you, and then listening as he bounces around ideas for how to make it up to his parents. He showed really poor decision making – he knew his mother wanted this, but he completely blew her off because she’s an atheist? That makes no sense at all. If he’s not normally a poor decision maker, then there’s more going on here. Keep listening to him. You can’t fix this, only he can, but you ca. be a supportive listener.
Look, your husband created this problem by not communicating with his mom and you. And if he acts this way with his mom, trust me, he will eventually start acting this way with you.
Your husband needs counseling. Because this isn’t about the wedding, this is about a lifetime of his parents using and manipulating his emotions to control him.
So… Your MIL started being inappropriate after not voicing concerns, your husband seemed to have attempted but for some reason didn’t ask again (and your in laws again didn’t speak up), not blaming husband here as he was probably focused on other things.
Now your husband is feeling guilty because he didn’t think his parents would want to be involved with something religious (was this a religious ceremony?) which sounds logical and reasonable. He could have asked, but at the end of the day it’s not up to the inlaws.
They need to back off.
Boundaries, therapy.
This isn’t a one and done type of behavior. Entitled expectations, victimhood, gaslighting, and manipulation will likely surround every major life event. Have kids? They are her grand babies more than you and husbands baby. Every milestone for the kiddo? Yup, up for grabs. Holidays- you are an extension of her family, not your own. I speak from experience- After 4 years together, the year we got married, My MIL, who hadn’t been around for my husbands birthday for years self invited and legitimately brought down food for his birthday because she “always had to make his cake.” Same for thanksgiving…. Christmas my husband said no. I cut her out 10 years ago, my husband finally reached his limit 4 years ago. She has no relationship with us or the kiddos. And before anyone thinks this is on us, hubs ex wife said the mom was a major reason for lying (edit: leaving), a brothers wife cut her out years ago too.
Therapy. Boundaries. In the beginning I read a book called toxic in-laws, I suspect you will be highlighting most the book as I did.
Best of luck
Boundaries, therapy.
I’d look into enmeshed families and triangulation; especially in relation to narcissistic parents. The sub r/raisedbynarcissists is really helpful and has some good resources. It sounds like your husband is deep in the FOG: Fear; Obligation; Guilt and is stuck ruminating over how to keep his demanding parents happy (tip: he won’t be able to).
You definitely have an IL problem that will escalate if you have children
I’d be more worried about YOUR wedding regret. I hope you understand she’s going to expect to be the main character in your life until she passes or you leave unless your husband stops this.
I came to read for “he needs to go counseling” comments.
I actually had some similar issues with my wedding. My family was totally unavailable for any of the follow up prior to it, or would be late to appointments. When I tried meeting up with them to tell them about the day of tasks and set up, they canceled on me but didn’t directly tell me that. I asked a question about something related to our meetup and they then let me know they wouldn’t be coming. On the day of our wedding, my family had nothing together and were trying to do last minute shopping for items they should have had. They missed our family photos and very clearly didn’t know what they were supposed to do.
I say all of that because I was where your husband was at. I felt really guilty because any time they have ever not been happy with something or found something to be inconvenient for them, I was always blamed and made to feel bad. But it’s more like a thing where you just wake up one day and snap out of it. Therapy helps with it, but he also has to realize he’s not to blame for these issues.