We were really close from middle school up till college when something pretty led to a huge fallout.
I discovered I’m gay partially because I developed sexual feelings for him during high school. For years, I was in a constant state of being “okay” with keeping this a secret from him (and the rest of the world for that matter), but deep down also wanting more.
The two of us ended going to the same uni. One night during first year, I opened up to him and confessed everything. He didn’t really say much that night except that he still saw me the same way.
A couple of nights later, we smoked at my place and he stayed over. After laying down, he got up close and kissed me. One thing led to another and I was kind of in disbelief that had actually happened. Except that’s where it all began falling apart.
The hardest part to admit of all this is that he had a girlfriend. He cheated on her, and despite him making the first move, I’ve always felt guilty for reciprocating it. I wasn’t able to set my feelings aside.
After a couple occurrences where him and I hooked up, I was battling some demons and confided in a very close friend of mine with what had happened. She was the first person I’d ever come out to so, at that time, she was my go-to for matters like these.
Two weeks later, I receive a message from him saying his girlfriend found out.
I learned that my friend who I confided in had spread this information with her group of friends. Eventually, word got around the grapevine and to his girlfriend.
After this happened, he completely severed ties with me. 7 years of friendship practically gone down the drain. The worst part? I had lost the one thing I wanted most, and finally had.
Over four years later now, there’s been no interaction aside from seeing each other walking across campus every now and then. I can’t help but feel there’s still things I need to get off my chest to him.
Part of me wants to try reaching out one day to have a f2f conversation. I’m not sure if it’d result in closure or the re-opening of some pretty deep scars? Wishful thinking tells me the former, although logic points towards the latter.
Anyways. What the hell do I do here people. I can’t tell if it’s time to bury the hatchet or not.
3 comments
I think you’re just gonna open old wounds. Especially if there’s any chance he’s still with his girlfriend, it’s just going to make things worse.
What hatchet? There is no unresolved business here or relationship left to try and salvage. Take away the him being in the closet part, and this is a pretty simple story: you two had an affair, he got caught, and he didn’t choose you. Add the fact he’s apparently done nothing further to come to terms with his sexuality, or at least hasn’t invited you along on that journey with him, and he clearly feels there’s nothing to discuss there either.
If you absolutely feel the need to apologize for having confided in someone who couldn’t be trusted not to out him, fine. But do so in a way where he doesn’t have to respond, and don’t expect a response (or at least not a positive one). Otherwise, unburden yourself to a therapist if you need someone to talk to about it, and move on once and for all.
I think if some time passed it might be okay to reach out. Let me ask this- do you think part of your friend’s initial reaction had something to do with him being “outed” in a way? In my opinion, it may have been a mix of emotions because he had been “caught” cheating and being gay in the same instance, and maybe this was a lot for him to confront his feelings in this type of way. Maybe after the situation settled and he was able to reflect, he might have realized that while you were involved, the choice was his and the consequences were also his. It didn’t have to end your friendship or possible relationship.
Best of luck to you 🙂