I have this itch in my brain that I need to scratch. I (32f) am married to my husband (33m) for 5 years now. Recently, about a year ago, my husband’s office hired a new employee, let’s call her Jess (25f). My husband would often complain about how stupid she is. Here are some list of complains, she always tries to act smart even though she is a kid, she always laughs at silly little thing which he finds annoying, he sometimes criticized her carefree nature, he once told me she was dressed like a clown (she just wore red lipstick).
It feels like every time he comes from the office it is always him complaining about her or what she did. And usually it is just some normal shit. He told me Jess teases him by calling him an old man. He really hates that. It feels like this girl Jess is always in his mind. The other day we went to shopping. I really liked a red shoe and asked my husband how I looked. He said it will look gorgeous on me. Then out of nowhere he said “Thank god you do not have stinky feet like Jess. She always wears shoes that looks weird on her.” And then proceed to say how much he hates her and that she is his nemesis.
This was clearly out of nowhere. The thing that confirmed my suspicion is that he follows jess on Instagram. We were sitting on our couch. I was watching a movie and he was scrolling through Instagram. He was on Jess’s page literally binge watching her content. I mean if he hates her and hates everything she does then why is he stalking her? I did bring it up and he said that I am being ridiculous that I should know that he hates Jess. So thinking that there is something going on is making me look insecure. I do not know what to believe. My instincts tell me something else. But logically if he hates someone that much he wouldn’t bring them up in every conversation. Where do I go next?
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Your husband’s behavior towards Jess seems to be a classic case of “hate-following” on social media, which can be a sign of underlying attraction or obsession, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling insecure and concerned about it; it might be worth having an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings and seeking couples therapy to address any underlying issues.
Follow your feeling- 6th sense is very rarely wrong. Check his phone.
He’s obsessed. He uses hate as a coverup to explain why he’s thinking about her so often. It’s also a handy tool to gaslight you by suggesting you’re crazy for thinking anything is going on because he “obviously” hates her.
Come on the guy brought up her feet unprompted lmao. He’s 33 years old, call his ass out.
He may not be completely aware that behind his antagonism to her may lay some deep attraction. Ask him if he finds her attractive or beautiful? Gauge his reaction
He’s overcompensating for a crush.
He’s actually really into Jess. He sounds obsessed with her.
Not sure what’s more concerning, this obsession or the fact that a grown man has a “nemesis”.
Yes, I’m afraid he wants to or already has slept with jess.
Next time he brings her up say “unfollow her then, I don’t water weeds.” See what he says.
It sounds like there is a lot more banter going on between your husband and Jess than the “I hate Jess” narrative your husband is selling.
Most companies periodically provide training on avoiding workplace discrimination to reduce their liability in lawsuits. Jess would never have been employed during a time age discrimination was not accepted and she would know repeatedly calling someone an old man is viewed the same as insulting someone over other protected class characteristics.
She is only calling him an “old man” out loud in an office if that is part of a more playful conversation your husband is editing for you to fit his narrative.
Honestly, time to sit him down and talk to him about why he’s constantly thinking about this woman.
Tell him that if he doesn’t like her, he doesn’t have to interact with her apart from to be civil at work when needed. He doesn’t have to make conversation, he doesn’t have to talk to her first, and he shouldn’t keep what happens in his mind – these annoyances only work because he lets himself obsess over them.
And tell him that you simply don’t want to hear about him obsessing over another woman. You don’t want to be compared to Jess. You don’t want him mentioning Jess’ body or looks positively or negatively. You don’t want him following her on social media.
I HAVE known people to hate-follow people platonically, and I’ve been that person, but that’s the kind of petty thing you do when you’re 22 and have broken it off with your friend and are obsessed with the drama. It’s weird for a 30something adult to be allowing this to take up this much real estate in his head. So it’s not always a crush and can come from genuine dislike. But in this case it’s likely that he has been crushing on her and is trying to deal with it. I would talk to him about how the level of time and energy he is giving her suggests that he has some feelings towards her, that he needs to work on moving on from.
I would genuinely tell him that if he thinks of this Jess so much then he needs space from her, and he needs therapy.
Ask why he’s obsessed with a chick that’s not you, wouldn’t fly in my household
omg he wants to fuck her so badly, if he hasn’t already!
Girl this is called “mentionitis” and it’s how affairs start – if it hasn’t already.
You could definitely check his phone, but I think that first you should talk to him. Tell him plainly, “I’ve noticed that you mention Jess a lot, in a personal way, and the other night I saw you on her social media. I think that you are nurturing a crush on her or maybe compensating for some inappropriate behavior.” Could be a crush. Could be cheating. If he loves you and wants your marriage to work, he will have this conversation.
If you want to check his phone and he has an iPhone, you can go to Screen Time and see if he’s been picking up his phone to text in the middle of the night or something. Should show even if he’s deleted the texts.
Sounds like the dark version of limerance.
I bet she already rejected him and that’s why he’s so pressed. Also puts him ahead of any rumors you might hear.
Your husband does seem to feel angry with her, perhaps because she doesn’t respect him. But, this is also a classic trope for getting involved with someone, we’ve seen this in many romantic comedies, where the protagonists hate each other, until they don’t. So, you may want to talk with him about his feelings toward her, to find out where the anger is coming from, and perhaps steer him towards indifference. You may want to see a marriage therapist if you feel this is getting too extreme.
If he says it out loud enough times maybe it’ll be true that he doesn’t like her. But it sure seems like he does
I mean, you could always just anonymously Jess why she’s so desperate to insert herself in a married man’s life. Also say you know what she’s been up to and soon everyone else will too(family, friends, her job/HR) Make her nervous.
See what she has to say. Dont mention your husband’s name right off the bat, see what she has to say or if she busts herself out by mentioning your husband’s name…or someone else’s lol. If she plays dumb or doesn’t bring up him specifically, you can just say(since its anonymous) “well, say what you want for now, I’m sure 123(some random male coworkers name) and abc’s(husband’s 1st and last name) wives will be very interested to hear and see all of this…good luck!”
She will get nervous even if she’s innocent(which is doubtful) and she will contact your husband and he will get nervous because he knows he’s been acting weird and he knows there’s already questions about her. Things will start to shake loose.
I think you’ll get enough to at least proceed. I do believe your husband is, at the very least, wanting her. Hes behaving like he’s obsessed and just wants to tell everyone but can’t get caught, but he can’t help himself so he has to talk about her in some way. Also, there’s absolutely no reason for him to even be following his younger female coworker on social media, even if they were cordial acquaintances.
Jess should be worried, that’s for sure
Yeeesh yeah as a guy, that’s some Not-Good Shit right there. There is a woman at work that I used to complain about to my wife a fair amount, but the difference there is that the entirety of my complaints were about how her work affected mine, and I can’t imagine scrolling her social media or making comments about her feet or whatever.
Something is pretty off there, this feels like the adult equivalent of going up to the girl you like as a kid and talking about how many cooties girls have
I’ve been here before but not as extreme and let me tell you….not only are you instincts right but logically- no man obsesses over hating a coworker who has not crossed him or done something atrocious.
I was in a similar situation where he would talk about how unattractive a coworker is and how frail she is and that she looks malnourished. Immediately, this was odd to me..like, why you body shaming someone who had done nothing to you and only has been nice?
Turns on she had an onlyfans and he bought her subscription. It was so cringy to bring up, he lied through his fucking teeth. It showed me wayyyy more about his character. The truth eventually came out bc he forgot which lies he said and other shit unmasked. So cringe pt. 2.
He’s a gaslighter like someone else said. This can overlap with narcissistic tendencies as well.
Yeah… this very much seems like a “I’m really into this woman but I’m going to pretend I hate her to throw my wife off” situation.
He has a crush on her.
Once upon a time in the beginning of my past life with my narc ex, he talked a LOT about a woman he worked with, always in a negative way. For example he would state “she’s someone I wouldn’t do with our pet’s genitals”…. Paraphrased.
It turns out he was using his own genitals so I guess he didn’t lie? /s
I think anyone should be concerned about a 33 year old that has a “nemesis” lol that is extremely weird to me. And yeah, he’s clearly obsessed with her.
This started to remind me of Brooklyn99, when the main character is complaining about his coworker(eventual wife) and his best friend takes him aside and says “You know why little boys pull little girls pigtails on the playground?”
He is acting immature about his feelings. Whether those are attraction or loathing is something that he probably can’t answer accurately himself, but it’s something he needs to grow up and be aware of, so slap some reality into him.
She’s a kid? He’s just 7 years older. I’d say he either needs a vacation or should start job hunting he’s acting like a jealous middle school girl.
There’s a thin line between love and hate. Her could be using the term hate to try to convince himself that or to throw you off his trail. No, he does not hate Jess. He’s thinking about her to often to hate her. He may gate her for occupying his mind so much, but there’s enough here to suggest he’s interested in her. He could be obsessed and maybe she’s unaware, but eating him saying”old man” is a flirty comment you say to someone you have at least a close friendship to. It is likely this on its way to an emotional cheating situation. It may already be there or further. Trust your gut. Call him out or snoop some more for evidence….even if that means searching his phone (bad, I know, but it’s your marriage on the line here).
If you already are losing your trust, it’s worth getting on his case about it. I think it’s not always easy to realize when the line between friendship and emotional infidelity is crossed. It’s even easier to get physical from there. Either step in or step out!
Omg I JUST saw an instagram reel about how when men overly criticize a woman, it’s usually the case that they’re attracted to them. I say go with your gut, it’s most likely right.
He wants to hate bang her
There’s some gaslighting going on. Don’t fall for it. Trust your gut. Sit down with him again and set some boundaries. If he ignores you, you have your answer.
I have seen the first started with people that the husbands put them down. Like I can’t stand her, I can’t be around her. And then months later, they find out they’re having an affair. I would start to ask more questions. I would also try to find out with this woman looks like and who she is. Of course on the down low.
His complaints read to me as a case of “he doth protest too much.” And given that he follows her on IG…well, there we go.
>Where do I go next?
I’d probably say something like: I think you hate her/talk about hating her because you actually have a crush on her. Crushes happen. That’s fine. Don’t let it lead you to doing something stupid because you spend too much time thinking about her. Stop feeding the energy.