My boyfriend (28M) and I have been together for a little over four years and his mom, we’ll call her Cindy, and I got along really well until about a month ago. We would go shopping, go on walks, talk to each other on the phone, go on mini road trips together, and generally have a really great MIL/DIL relationship up until a month ago.
Lately my bf and I have been arguing a little more than usual (just work and holiday stress related) and I’ve notice that Cindy has been very distant with me. I mentioned this to my bf and he got quiet and didn’t want to talk about it but didn’t try to brush it off.
Later that day, I was ordering food on his phone and a text from Cindy came through and it said that, “(OP) is absolutely ridiculous I can’t believe…” (it cut off and I didn’t open it). This just confirmed that she is indeed upset with me.
Last week, my bf and I went on vacation and she watched the house. My bf specifically asked her not to clean anything (my house is immaculate except for his office and mancave) and she cleaned both of those spaces.
I just don’t know what to do or how to mend it. I feel like my bf should step in but he wants to stay out of it. I’m starting to resent her and am upset that our relationship has changed.
TL;DR my bf’s mom is meddling and it’s ruined my relationship with her.
41 comments
>I don’t know what went wrong.
Ask your boyfriend. He’s the one who told her you were arguing.
You need to talk to your boyfriend about what he’s told his mom about your fights.
Your boyfriend is complaining about you to his mummy.
Your boyfriend has been talking to her about your relationship problems and now she sees you in a bad light because she’s only getting his perspective. If she were mature enough to understand this she would take what he says with a grain of salt, tell him if he wants to make things right and continue a relationship with you then he needs to keep his private life private, and she would not treat you any differently. If he were mature enough for marriage then he would understand that relationship problems need to stay within the relationship. Of course it’s important to have someone to talk to, but that someone shouldn’t be a person who is a large part of your relationship.
My husband and I never talk to our immediate family about our relationship problems for this exact reason. Sometimes I’ll talk to my best friend, who he sees maybe twice a year. I don’t know who he talks to when he and I are having problems, it’s none of my business, but I know it’s not his parents. You need to have a talk with him about this and really consider if he and his mother are the type of people you want to be married to.
I think it’s pretty obvious what went wrong, he is clearly going to his mom about the arguments you are having and it is shifting her opinion of you. You need to sit down with him and ask him to open up about exactly what is going on and what he has been saying.
Your BF is complaining to his mom about you.
Talk to your bf about this.
EDIT. You say future MIL. I think if you are engaged you may want to rethink this.
Mommy dearest listens to her son. What did he tell her?
She is his mother. She will always be biased.
If Cindy’s been your partner in crime for mini road trips and heart-to-hearts, something’s definitely up. The sudden shift after arguments with your boyfriend isn’t a coincidence. Your man needs to quit the silent act and clarify what’s going on. Meanwhile, no snooping on texts—tempting but no bueno. Face Cindy directly, and ask what’s got her feathers ruffled. Clear the air with a heart-to-heart, but if she’s turning your boyfriend’s spaces into a Home & Garden showcase without permission, set those boundaries—stat. If boyfriend keeps playing Switzerland, remind him he’s part of this too; teamwork’s the name of the game.
You need to talk to your bf. Obviously he said something out of stress or possible unhappiness. But she’s also his mother and you need to respect that relationship and give space if need be. Things will sort themselves out so don’t put to much pressure on yourself. It could be something very small.
Like everyone else is saying… you need to talk to your boyfriend about this. He is the one after all that is telling his mother about your guys’ arguments. Communication!
Geez, there are things that my boyfriend and I wouldn’t tell our mothers about. We’ve had a bloody rough year… But we’re doing better now.
Your boyfriend’s mom can’t meddle unless *he* lets her.
This is an issue with your boyfriend, not Cindy.
your bf is talking abt you
Your BF needs to step up and get off mom’s tit. He is telling her everything “bad” about you, but I’m sure he forgets the good. She will never see you or treat you the same again.
And she has no business going to your house and cleaning. She needs to mind her own business.
Yes your bf is complaining about you and she is taking at gospel truth vs there’s 2 sides to a story. I’m sure her text was a response to a statement he made about you. There’s a reason why he won’t answer you and says I don’t want to talk about it because he’ll have to admit he said some stuff when he was mad
Your boyfriend shouldn’t be talking to his mom about arguments with you. It’s not a healthy or sustainable dynamic. Please try to talk calmly with your boyfriend and see why she is upset and what he told her. If he doesn’t tell you, I’d say something bigger than your MIL is the problem in the relationship.
Please step back and really look at your relationship. Your BF is running to Mommy with everything, and she obviously has no interest in going to lunch or taking a walk (like you have previously) to hear your side. He’s not respecting your relationship, and neither is she. You can do a couple of things here. Tell him what you saw and ask to read the text thread or ask him what he said and watch him sweat.
This isn’t going to get better.
It’s not her, it’s your boyfriend. He damaged the relationship with his mother so it is his responsibility to fix it. If he doesn’t, you definitely want to rethink this relationship.
>I mentioned this to my bf and he got quiet and didn’t want to talk about it but didn’t try to brush it off.
How is this not trying to brush it off? Why did you not pursue this further?
> I feel like my bf should step in but he wants to stay out of it.
Your boyfriend is almost certainly the source of this.
He knows what’s going on here. He knows what happened. Even if he claims he doesn’t, he is the one with the power to find out. He is not being a good partner right now.
Your bf is complaining about you to his mom. Super bad move on his part. You don’t take relationship problems outside of the relationship.
Actually, off hand I’d say your problem is with your boyfdriend, not MIL.
He is NOT telling you what is going on.
He is the one you need to confront.
Your boyfriend said something to her and she is being protective.
Ask him what’s going on. Ask her what’s going on.
Your bf goes quiet when you mention the distance between you and his mother. He knows something and isn’t being straight.
As everyone has said – he’s talking shit about you to her. She’s not a very good mother if she just jumps in by bashing you and treating you differently. She should be either just listening or giving helpful advice and encouraging her son to work through his problems.
Duh, your boyfriend is clearly venting to her about you. Challenge him on that but then realize, you can’t trust this lady so stop trying to have a friendship with her.
>I feel like my bf should step in but he wants to stay out of it.
Uh, he caused this, and it’s his mom, he needs to fix ALL of this. Show him this post and all these comments.
So, let me get this straight… You didn’t tell the future MIL about you and BF’s issues, yet MIL obviously is hearing something (“[OP] is absolutely ridiculous I can’t believe…”), and then yet he wants to stay out of it? I think it’s a little late for that!
You complained two months ago about his brother being over all of the time. Did you have an argument about that?
Damn, you’re boyfriend is talking shit about you to his mommy. I bet he’s making you seem like the villain and making the arguments seem worse than they are. He definitely a momma’s boy.
He wants to stay out of it?!! He brought her into it, he can manage it.
You know what went wrong- your bf bad-mouthed you to her and now she has a grudge. It’s quite literally his job to fix it
Pretty obvious he’s been talking trash about you and isn’t going to step up and own it.
There was a meme a while back that said “I’m sorry I would love to forgive you but I already told my Mom about it so you have to go.”
In 1998 I told my mother a boy at school was taking my favorite toy and being mean to it while I watched, all sad. (It was a stuffed animal I loved and he would fake stab it with a stick. He would finish his “exercises” first to get it. I still hate that kid.)
ANYWAY, she saw his mugshot in the paper a while ago and sent me a photo. “Serves him right the little sh*t.” It has been almost 30 years. My mom held onto a grudge for 30 years.
So yeah he told his Mom you were mean.
> TL;DR my bf’s mom is meddling and it’s ruined my relationship with her.
Lmao, no. That’s not what’s happening here. Your boyfriend is running to his mom whenever you have an argument and is telling her all about it.
Your boyfriend is the one responsible for ruining your relationship, not his mom.
I think you need to ask bf what he’s been telling his mother about you.
This is a you/bf issue. Cindy isn’t meddling…she’s simply listening to your bf vent about you and forming her opinions.
He might be totally dogging you out to his mom…you need to talk to your bf if it bothers you that much.
Are you comfortable with having every single one of your discussions with your BF given a post Mortem with his mother? Because that’s the life that you are signing on for. You do realize that he is having long conversations with his mother, telling her what he supposedly said, then re-casting what you said in a different light? Are you cool with that?
The future is not set in stone. You are the one who makes the decision as to whether or not she will become one of the closest family members in your life. Do you trust her to show up at the hospital in the case of a medical emergency? Do you trust her to make decisions for you if you are incapacitated? I don’t know; that’s always been my litmus test. Marriage is a long and expensive thing to get out of, so just think twice before you do it, that’s all.
Your bf is bitchong and talking dogshit about you, to his mum..
HE is hyping you down to be mean/crazy/cruel/worthless.
This is not a MIL problem.
Your boyfriend hates you and does t want people to like you or respect you.
He doesn’t even respect you enough to tell you he is dumping you, he is just getting the world to hate you behind you back and then not even admitting it.
You’re too good for this op.
This guy is cowardly and slimy.
And he’s fucked up your in-laws relationship before it even officially started. Even if he now says to his mum “yeah all the shit I said about op isn’t true – I’m just a little lying ferret”.. your MIL has still had a little seed planted in her head by your bf, that you hurt him and aren’t good.
This happened to me and my MIL. Things were fine until my partner and I hit a difficult patch and he told her a bunch of stuff about me, without also explaining the context and the things he himself was doing wrong to add to the problems. I know this because I had the same clues that you did early on (he once took a call from her while sitting next to me and when she asked about me—since he hadn’t mentioned I was in the room with him—he quickly turned the sound down on his phone so I couldn’t hear anything she said..) but then years later, when my friendship strengthened with her again, I learnt all the things he had said, and all the things he had *not* said, in order to save face. Which was honestly worst of all..
My advice is to have a serious talk to him about what he says about your relationship to others. At the end of the day, this is your MIL who is also your family now, someone you have to maintain a decent relationship with for maybe the rest of your life. All of you—including him—have a duty of care to maintain a healthy relationship with each other, as well as healthy boundaries. He can’t expect to have a wife that is treated coldly by his family and who just puts up with it because he wants to be able to complain to his mommy anytime you get into a fight. He’s nearly 30 for Christ’s sake, he needs better coping mechanisms than running to his mum for sympathy whenever he feels butt-hurt about something. Not to mention the disrespect and lack of loyalty to his own future wife…..
He’s talking shit about you to her. He needs a therapist. He’s dumping on her and it’s destroying the possibility of you having a good relationship with her. You’ve put 4 years into this relationship. Do you see yourself marrying this man? If yes, and he feels the same, he needs to be 100% honest with you about what he’s said to her regarding you. And figure out a way to fix things with his mother on your behalf. If he’s not willing to do this, why would you stay in this relationship?
He’s been badmouthing you to her (and probably other people). He poisoned your relationship with his family, and it’s not likely to recover if he’s not owning up to it, because he’ll probably do it again next time you fight. Do yourself a favor- don’t marry into a situation where your partner has sabotaged your relationship with his family. It may be painful now, but it’s much better than having them sabotage the wedding, ice you out for the next twenty years, badmouth you in front of your future kids, etc.
Your bf talked trash about you to his mom.
>I just don’t know what to do or how to mend it. I feel like my bf should step in but he wants to stay out of it.
He caused it by complaining to her about you and now he doesn’t want to get involved? How convenient…
Please sit him down to see if you can get him to talk about how much he has “poisoned the well” against you.
>Last week, my bf and I went on vacation and she watched the house. My bf specifically asked her not to clean anything (my house is immaculate except for his office and mancave) and she cleaned both of those spaces.
Did he tell her not to clean anything? Or did he tell her that *you* don’t clean those spaces?