Hi everyone.
A pattern in my relationship is that my boyfriend will agree to go to an event with me, and then he’ll remember he said something else, so he cancels and says “oh we’ll just go without me.” These events usually are group events with other people here, but the thing is, I feel much more comfortable going with him.
For example, next Tuesday we had plans to go to an event that requires us taking a bus with an organization for three hours. He decided he wants to study that day so he said just go by myself. He doesn’t see the big deal, when to me, going to an event with him is much less anxiety provoking than going alone. I have someone to sit with on the bus, someone to talk to if I feel awkward, etc.
Then today he tells me he forgot he had tickets to a basketball game tomorrow, when all week long I’ve been asking him what we should make for a Friendsgiving and we’ve been talking about different recipes. He’s still telling me that I can still go so why am I mad. Again, it’s mostly couples going to this thing, and I just feel much more comfortable going with him. Plus, now I have to tell the hosts why he’s not going, because of course he won’t do it.
Just because I am able to still go to an event alone doesn’t mean I want to or that my attitude towards the event won’t be affected. Honestly I just really don’t even want to go anymore, because I’m not close to any of the people there, and it will probably be awkward. I just feel like the events are much more fun when we go together.
Am I crazy here or do people see where I’m coming from? How can I explain this to him?
TL;DR My boyfriend doesn’t think canceling on me is a big deal because technically I can still go without him
39 comments
He doesn’t care what you think. He does exactly what he wants to. Try and understand this for your next relationship because this one isn’t going anywhere.
>How can I explain this to him?
Outside of any instance of him doing this, find an opportunity to sit down with him and talk about how you’ve noticed this pattern and how it makes you feel.
I can’t speak for *your* feelings, but if I were in your shoes, I’d express that the reasons why it upsets me is because a) my expectations for the event aren’t being met because I’d expected to go as a couple, and b) every instance of my partner backing on on what they agree to do makes it difficult to trust them or take them at their word.
He doesn’t care how you feel. Go with another guy and then get rid of your “boyfriend”
Wow.
I don’t understand how you’re not more upset. This is beyond insulting. He literally doesn’t give a shit.
How long have you been together?
He has no respect for you.
That’s the bottom line
Your next bf should show you respect
Get a boyfriend that gives a fuck.
“Boyfriend, when you cancel on our plans last minute it upsets me. I feel a lot more comfortable going with you to these events and even though I can go alone, it’s not fair that you say you’re going and then drop out. Please can you keep track of your plans “
Not acceptable if this is a pattern.
He doesn’t prioritize plans with you. He doesn’t even prioritize you enough to actual double check his calendar before making commitments…and that’s best case scenario, worst case is he makes these plans after committing to you, like the ball game, and just decides that’s what he would rather do.
Adults honor commitments. Obviously there are exceptions here and there. But the fact that he does is often is just inexcusable. It clearly shows he doesn’t find spending quality time with you. Hell hang out with you when and how he wants. But otherwise he’ll make other other plans with no consideration to your planing, effort, or feelings. That’s selfish. And it depicts a pure undervalue of you and your relationship on his side.
Do you want to be with someone who makes it super clear that he doesn’t care how you feel? What’s keeping you with someone who treats you with such contempt?
I’d be telling him that he either follows through when he agrees, or I’d find someone else to fill his place. Permanently. And by that, I mean I’d be dumping him.
I know that might sound like a harsh reaction, but if someone commits to a plan and constantly tells me to go alone, I would not take kindly to that. He gets your hopes up and then ditches you. That’s not okay.
He’s unreliable.
You are not crazy. He’s a jerk.
Beyond what other people have said about this upsetting you also tell him that you are dating him so that you can share life together. That you want to have adventures with him and make memories that you can both look back upon. It’s a loss of potential connection with him and the fact that your shared time together doesn’t seem to be a priority for him. That he is putting himself over you two as a couple, and that doesn’t make for an intimate relationship that will last. You want it to last with him, so you need him to start showing you with his actions that attending events together, creating these memories together, will be a priority because you want to make your relationship with him stronger. Isn’t that what you want, babe? Do you want our relationship to be grow?
You also need to know if there is some actual big reason for him not attending these events. Does he have anxiety (social, financial, worries about his education)? Is he depressed? Is it something that he’s just not interested in? Have an honest conversation about what the issue actually is and what he feels when these events are scheduled and what he feels when these events are actually approaching and about to happen.
Hear him and believe him when he tells you about his thought process and emotions around these things. Do your best to put aside some of your feelings while he explains his side.
When you have this information, decide what to do. Will it be you and him against the problem (for example, he has more anxiety than he admits, go to smaller/shorter/cheaper events) or do you think this problem will continue and breed growing resentment between the two of you? Decide if this can be tackled together. Think of a timeline and genuinely check in with him both when things go well and when things go bad (e.g. wasn’t that a fun tour we did? or hey, why is this event off the cards like before?). At the end of your trial period check in with yourself to see if things are better emotionally for yourself. Try to evaluate what has changed, if anything.
I would consider this (the giving him a chance) to be a make-or-break point. If he doesn’t follow up on his word or you are still unhappy, it is time to recognize you aren’t getting your needs met by your partner, despite efforts from your side. This is the point where I would initiate a break up as I don’t want to be in a relationship where our intimacy and life as a couple aren’t a genuine priority for my partner. If he doesn’t want to be here with me, I’m not chasing him.
Give him a chance to change, but no more than that. Good luck!
I think you should forget everything you thought you knew about him.his true colours are showing now..he does not think about you at all. Forget to answer his calls. Just forget him go on with your life
You don’t explain it to him.
You stop taking his phone calls /texts and you move on with your life. No explanation needed.
You, effectively, are No Big Deal to him.
Make it so.
When a guy shows you he doesn’t want to be with you, believe him and behave accordingly.
He is rude. He is not a considerate person. Kick him to the curb.
>How can I explain this to him?
Why are you pretending that he’s unaware?
“this is not an event we both decided we wanted to go to like platonic friends sharing a ride and you changed your mind. this is an event we are going to TOGETHER as a COUPLE, like a date. am i to go on those by myself as well because everything is a better option than spending time with me?”
once you leave him, and a little time passes, you will be so surprised you ever put up with this
So you make him a priority whereas he makes you optional.
I would invite a man friend to start going to these events with you and stop asking him and start always asking male friend. If he gives a shit he will soon change if he doesn’t then time to move on.
Go to everything without him. Permanently.
Go to things with your new, upgraded boyfriend – he’s out there, and he’s dying to go to things with you!
It’s not about whether you can go alone; it’s about him being a reliable partner. Tell him directly that his habit of cancelling undermines your trust and enjoyment. If he doesn’t see the importance of this, reconsider if you’re on the same page about what it means to support each other.
Sis, this man doesn’t like you.
You’re mad because he’s ditching you, and because you wanted to do these things with him. You don’t just want to go to go, you want to go WITH HIM. Of course it feels bad to get ditched by someone repeatedly.
He doesn’t respect you or your time.
He doesn’t take his commitments to you seriously. When he promises you something, he thinks following through is optional. Why is that okay with you?
Go with a male friend, take pictures. Enjoy the evening.
1. Stop relying on your bf to go places. This is codependent and you need to be comfortable doing things without him and doing things by yourself.
2. Regardless him cancelling plans is absolutely unacceptable unless it’s once in a while with good reason and this pattern of behavior would be a dealbreaker for me.
3. Why are you still inviting him places? It’s not a good look when he is constantly cancelling plans and then you are pandering to him to still do things with you instead of writing him off? This makes you seem very needy and codependent.
He doesn’t make you or events with you a priority and he doesn’t care how it makes him feel. I would try reversing it on him. If you have plans cancel last min bc you’d rather do something else instead. If you have plans to go out to dinner, tell him you can’t make and he can still go himself. If you have plans to watch tv, when he sits down, you get up and say you want to go for a walk. Then act puzzled when he gets annoyed or upset. Rinse and repeat. If he doesn’t care at all when you do these things then you really have your answer – he doesn’t care about you or your relationship.
Clearly you are not his priority. He is selfish and only cares about his time
It’s natural to want him to accompany you to events. For some reason he doesn’t want to and constantly makes excuses to back out. You should have a talk with him about this. Find a time to set aside and discuss your concerns with him. Sure, you can always go without him but there’s something deeper going on here that you should get to the bottom of. It’d be one thing if he was sick or had an urgent issue at work but this is happening repeatedly so clearly it’s willful.
Wild. This guy doesn’t give a single fuck about you
This happening one time is fine. This being a constant in your relationship with him is… worrying. He clearly doesn’t care, and he does *only* what he wants *when* he wants?
Now ask yourself – is this what you want for the next 1, 2, 5, 10 years? Forever? Is this the kind of person you want to be with if you ever decide to, idk, buy a house or have kids? Like, real responsibilities that might interfere with him only doing whatever he wants only when he wants? Only you can answer that.
I mean he obviously doesn’t care.
I had a BiL like this. I would arrange an event with my sister like a BBQ or something, get all the food and drinks organised and then be standing there waiting like an idiot only for them not to show up. They did it so many times I eventually just went LC/NC with them. Initially I thought it was my sister but eventually realised it was actually my BiL. He’s been like this for years. My sister has 2 kids with him and now just arranges things that never include him. If he shows up, he shows up. Things will never change and +25years later they never have.
Sounds to me like you might be a bit clingy, and maybe he craves more time alone. I think you need to talk about it. It is fine to go out together but it’s also normal to go out separately. If he feels like he has to say yes to everything in order for you to want to go, he’s going to feel suffocated.
If you were my friend, I’d be shaking you to wake up and know your worth. Your time is valuable. Act like it
Go back to him again and ask him of he is coming if he says no go are you 100% sure if he day yup not going then go ok it was nice knowing you and bail on this selfish jerk.
You don’t have to explain anything, let him do it, “boyfriend can’t make it but please ask him for the details”. Obviously, I’d also make that my ex but that part is up to you
>I’ve been asking him what we should make for a Friendsgiving
You could be thankful for being single.