I have a traumatic background so I tend to freeze instead of reacting in these situations but I really don’t like it when someone I’m not close with reaches into my personal space to pull a loose hair off me or brush something off my clothes that I didn’t ask for. I consider this wildly inappropriate. Just tell me and I’ll handle it. Are you going to pick the bugger out of my nose next? Because that’s how it feels.
But instead of reacting I freeze and shut down and effectively exit the interaction. I want to learn to be more proactive in these situations and learn to know how to take that extra second to realize what’s happening and give myself the permission to be okay with the social fallout, if any.
I’m always afraid they’ll get upset and consider me unreasonable or, what actually happens sometimes when I do talk about not wanting the touch, the other person doubles down and explains why what they were doing “wasn’t wrong” (in their eyes).
How do I remember, specifically in the moment, that it’s these people who refuse to recognize or agree with my boundaries who are in the wrong and if they decide to get upset about me holding them, that’s okay and shouldn’t prevent me from feeling like I can take a step back to keep them from touching me when they want to?
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I read somewhere fixing or adjusting something on another person is them making a sign of ownership over you. You just have to use your voice and say “oh thanks but could you please not do that. Just let me know if I need a lint roller/to fix my collar/tie my laces and I’ll do it. It’s just a personal thing”. Say it with a smile as well.
Not true at all about someone claiming ownership over you – someone fixing your tag on your shirt or a taking a hair off your back isn’t a sign of ownership- It’s actually a sign of acceptance. There’s a Harvard study on this. So it’s not a bad thing if someone is trying to help with something you may not see or notice.
However from your perspective OP- it’s not your thing and it really bothers you. Which is 100% okay and completely reasonable!
A lot of autistic people or people with trauma freak out in situations like this so I feel you! It’s not your fault at all and shouldn’t be an awkward thing for you to have deal with.
Simply just move away when someone goes to touch you and make eye contact. This immediate reaction will let people know you don’t like to be touched and will make them reconsider their own actions.
Then just say sorry I really don’t like to be touched- is there a problem with my shirt? Can you just let me know next time? Thank you.
Staying still doesn’t show you don’t like it- people stay still so people can continue fixing what ever it is they noticed so that’s probably why you’re getting the opposite affect of what you want – so you either gotta say something or turn around when it happens otherwise people won’t know.
If you want to be proactive about it – talk about it casually. Bring it up sometime how it feels when someone goes to touch you and how much you dislike it and just want people to tell you. Having open conversations like this will let anyone in ear shot know – you don’t like to be touched. So they will consider it next time they notice something.
Not liking being touched isn’t weird or anything – it’s perfectly fine. So letting people know that shouldn’t make you feel like their gonna judge you or not like you. It’s a personal boundary and when people are aware of it – it’s not a big deal at all and you shouldn’t ever feel bad about saying that to someone.
Even if it’s too late let’s say- they reached over and fixed the back of your shirt and you froze – just say “hey next time if you wouldn’t mind could you just tell me if somethings wrong with my shirt? I get a really weird feeling when someone’s touching me and I don’t like it. I would much prefer if you just told me so I could fix it myself 🙂 “ then smile and leave it at that. People will understand.
So, you have a problem, and instead of changing you, you want to change the rest of the world, basically?
Either you learn to speak your mind and make boundaries, or you will have to learn to live with people crossing them?
You need to be in the right place mentally. Where you’re firm on not wanting to be touched and you have the right to tell people off, regardless of power dynamics, particular situation, or what’s “socially acceptable” or how this person will perceive and reply to your boundary. You hesitate in the moment, because you’re questioning and analyzing, instead of immediately responding. That’s what gets you freeze.
It helps a lot to practice and roleplay. Ask someone you trust to simulate a scenario of where they reach out to touch you and you tell them not to. Do it over. Again next day. Until it becomes instinctive to you. If you don’t have anyone to ask, play both parties yourself.