Throwaway because some of the people involved Reddit.
I (30F) have been friends with John (32M) for almost 10 years. Three years ago, he started dating Bianca (32F). She makes him happy; it’s the longest (and only serious) relationship they’ve both been in.
The only problem—none of us (30s M/F) can stand her. She’s incapable of having a conversation centered around anything but herself, and is convinced she is the end-all, be-all source on any and every topic. I don’t think it’s malicious; I just think it’s just a complete absence of self awareness. But the result is the same: we dread being around her, and its straining our friendship with John.
You know how a person might say, “I’m going to Greece next week,” and another person might reply, “Awesome, I went to Greece and loved it. Where are you going?” Not Bianca. If you tell her you’re going to Greece, she will talk about her 2008 study abroad in Latvia for the next hour, at which point your only reprieve will be an abrupt transition to diatribe on textile production in 1800s Massachusetts. Did you have a question? A comment? Nope. Not with Bianca you didn’t.
Her behavior ranges from, at best, clueless (e.g., when my girlfriend mentioned she’s Rwandan, Bianca interrupted her to explain the cultural differences of two major Rwandan tribes to her) to actually mean (she told our recently-married friend, Jane, that Jane only married her boyfriend of six years “out of convenience,” because Jane is military and that’s why all military marriages happen.) When we shared a cab last week, she talked about how she was taught sentence structure in high school, then explained to me the use of who versus whom for forty minutes–I’m a writer by profession. We used to have monthly game nights, but we’ve stopped, because if she doesn’t win, she’ll complain about the “arbitrary” rules of the “game that no one liked” and explain, in minute detail, exactly why the dynamics of that particular game prevented her otherwise-inevitable victory.
I could go on, but the theme is the same: when Bianca is in the room, there’s no oxygen for anyone else. If ask John about zebras, she’ll interject with a ninety-minute soliloquy on the Peloponnesian War. If Jared says he lived in San Diego, the entire group will receive Bianca’s lesson on Hungarian noun classes. If you say you’re hungry, she’ll cut you off mid-breath to tell you about the particular brand of soap she had in her freshman dorm–at her Ivy League school, of course.
It’s to the point where I dread going to events where she will be present. I look forward to when she’s out of town so I can see John and actually ask him a single question about his life without her interrupting to share that “actually, a wheelhouse is a part of a boat.”
I don’t know what to do, and I’m hoping Reddit can help me see perspective or crowdsource some ideas. She’s an insecure person, so I don’t feel that I can have a frank discussion with her about her behavior; she’ll just run and tell John, and all that will do is hurt my relationship with him, which is the thing I actually care about. I can’t tell John, either, because he cares about her and, as far as I can tell, she’s good to him. And I think I’m about 2 years and 11 months too late for my opinion to mean anything.
John is a great friend and I want him to be happy, but I also want to be involved in his life. How can I move forward to maintain our friendship, and our friend group?
**TL;DR:** Wonderful friend John (32M) has a girlfriend (32F) that none of us can stand. I’m at my wits’ end, and need advice on how to navigate and maintain the friendship.
11 comments
I think you can absolutely talk to John about this. If you’ve been friends for a decade, I think it’s worth a conversation about how she steamrolls every conversation, if only to explain why you are hanging out with him less or don’t want him to bring his gf to hang out as often.
I think it’s a combo of talking to John about it and being more intentional about invitations to social stuff–like, invite specific people without any “and bring your partner or a friend everyone is welcome” kind of piece. This is easier to do when you are excluding your own partner, and would be even easier if your friend were the same gender with a partner of the opposite gender because you can pull the “girls night” card but still very possible.
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When you talk to your friend I would probably focus less on you disliking her and more on like, “sometimes I want to really connect with YOU” kind of thing.
I would like to point out that someone who doesn’t care that their partner is rude to others because they are good to them is not actually a very good friend.
Source: I used to have a shitty boyfriend whose behavior I enabled (bad picker, bad programming). Nobody ever really sat me down and said to my face that he sucked and it needed to change. It would have made an impact if they did (not that it was anyone’s job to show me reality).
She sounds insufferable. I think there is a way to gently call her out—that’s where I’d start. If you ask someone a question and she starts derailing things, I’d try stopping her and saying “Oh, hey, I actually had just asked Jane this question and want to hear her answer…” I think that might be a way to bring some awareness to her behavior without her feeling totally attacked (and if she does, oh well…). But you may end up needing to have a conversation with John, too.
I’m not sure there’s an easy solution to this dilemma. Bianca is a self-centered person who likes to dominate every conversation. And she sounds like a crashing bore at that (as if anyone cares about the cultural differences between two major Rwandian tribes!) I can certainly see why you don’t enjoy her company. But if John and her love each other and are in it for the long haul, then you have one of two options ; learn to tolerate her presence and her long, boring monologues, or let your friendship with John come to an end.
The common denominator is you and your friends. Sounds like bullying. Get over yourselves. This isnt 7th grade.
Seems like you’re dealing with someone who has undiagnosed autism. Definitely need to sit John down and let him know about this issue. I would also give a heads up to everyone else in the group. Ask of it’s okay to say they feel similar. It would be good to show a united front, but this guy has probably noticed these issues already, but could never put a finger on it.
As an autistic person myself, I do wonder if Bianca might be neurodivergent. Perhaps infodumping is a way for her to try to share and connect with you and she doesn’t know when is appropriate to stop or that people might not be interested. The comments about your friend’s marriage of convenience are definitely unkind, but again I’m wondering if this is her not understanding social rules.
I might be totally wrong here and it isn’t my place to diagnose someone, but just wondering. And if this is the case, then often ND people are ostracised for these traits and it can be really lonely. Maybe try to be kind to her about it and gently bring the conversation back round if she does go off on one subject, and explain to her that some of her comments are unkind.
INFO: Have you ever tried to interrupt her and say, gently, “Hold up, we were talking about X” or “Bianca, I was asking Jared something”, and if so, how does she react?
I may be going against the grain here, but your friend sounds like a complete chump.
If she really is droning on and on about these things for an actual hour – how the heck does he not notice each time everyone’s eyes glass over? Do you really think he doesn’t notice it? And this has been going on for three years?
I’m betting he does notice and he doesn’t care. Which makes him a butthead. I was going to say you should probably talk to him, but there’s a good chance he already knows. It sounds like this friendship is just going to be very limited or over???
She is likely on the spectrum. If you talk with her and teach her how to interact properly with others, that would help her.