We have been together for 7mo now. Before our relationship, my bf had a short term relationship with his now ex.
I’ve struggled with trust issues throughout this relationship due to a past experiences which led me to go through his messages one day (bad of me, I know).
I found out that he had sent nudes of his ex to multiple of his buddies while they were still dating. These were sent to him in private and he had breached her trust and privacy.
I brought this up with him the next day. Although I apologised for snooping through his phone, I still feel disgusted by his past behaviour. He reassured me that this was long ago, that he has changed and would never do this to me… but my perception of him has been tainted.
He’s a good partner to me and I want to keep this relationship, but his past actions are questionable. How can I move past this?
5 comments
You went through his phone and found shit you don’t like but doesn’t pertain to you. They aren’t together anymore and it’s not like he can unsend the pics. All you can do is ask him not to do the same to you.
If i were in his shoes however, my girl going thru my phone without my consent crazy behavior (so is sending nudes to your friends with consent of gf). Both of you just gotta leave shit in the past tbh.
Before you try to move past this, please ask yourself this…
Is this a healthy start to a promising relationship?
I would have to say no.
You two are still in the getting to know each-other stage.
1. You already felt compelled enough to invade his privacy and snoop through his device. That is never a good sign.
2. You found something a lot of people would consider morally wrong. Additionally, I wouldn’t be surprised those nudes still existed on his camera roll or tucked away in a secret spot.
3. People have a tendency to be on their best behaviour in the early stages, you only know what he has chosen to present to you so far… And well, you found another side of him that was skeezy.
4. Of course he is going to tell you what you want to hear to move past it.
5. Your perception of him as been changed, that in combination with already existing trust issues… Its going to continue to make you spiral.
If you’re early on in a new relationship and the only way for you to progress is going through their phone… You have some work to do.
You cannot produce a healthy relationship when you behave like that. That’s not how genuine trust is built.
And him? You have a dirt bag as a boyfriend. Even though he didn’t do this directly to you, he still did it to someone else. Probably didn’t experience any consequences for his actions, that ex likely has no idea. So, he got away with it (I assume). And now, its:
>Ah, don’t worry babe. That’s the old me. I would never do something like that to you.
I feel if you had a history of bad relationships, perhaps you would be better off with someone else who has a better moral compass. Here, you’re walking into a risk.
He’s shown that he is disrespectful and willing to violate a partner’s trust, privacy and decency. He’s an AH. He’s not someone I would want to be with and I would let his ex know. In some places, this is considered criminal.
Dump him, sis. Trust is everything in a relationship and once it’s broken, it’s hard to fix. You deserve better.
Nope. What he did here is despicable, and after 7 months, you have no way of knowing for sure he wouldn’t do the same to you. In fact, it’s more than likely he would.
When you ask how to move past this, I don’t think you see how scary that question is. Why would you want to? You owe it to yourself to figure out the answer to that. I mention it because you implied there was trauma in your other relationship. Clearly, this isn’t on you, but you’re doing something wrong if you keep ending up with guys like this.
Someone you’re very close to (friend, sibs, etc) can be very helpful here. I know this from personal experience. It didn’t involve toxic behavior, but she helped me see that I was hanging on for all the wrong reasons. About 3 months later, I met my husband.