tl;dr at the end
I (35F) am pretty seriously ill and receiving treatment. One symptom of my illness is severe bloating, gas, and abdominal pain. I’m often very uncomfortable or in pain from the gas, and often try to belch to relieve some of the pressure when I’m home.
I have a long term partner (36M, dating over a decade) but I don’t want to get married. Despite being sick, I am independent and self sufficient. Most people would not know I am ill because I try HARD to be as normal as possible. I share this because this means I do not ask my partner to take on more. I’m sure he has some mental strain because of it and the dimished frequency of our sex life is somewhat difficult. But given I very much still hold more than my weight in the relationship despite how hard things are for me, I don’t focus on it.
Last night we were watching a movie. My indigestion was particularly bad, so I was frequently trying to belch. Not loud, but I was sitting side by side on the couch next to him. I told him it was a side effect, sometimes worsened by the treatment I had earlier in the day (during my work day to boot!). He asked me to go into another room if I was going to burp because it was distracting him from the movie. Obviously, that upset me. I didn’t yell but I had a tone and attitude when I responded with how messed up that was for him to say given it was a symptom and I was doing my best.
I dropped the conversation and we finished the movie, but I was pretty quiet for the remainder. Afterward, he asked if I was still upset. I said yes and reiterated my original statement. He tried to clarify and say “what I meant was I get that you can’t control it, but you don’t burp everyday. You don’t have to go into another room, but can you agree you should’ve told me to pause the movie cause I can’t concentrate when you’re burping in my ear?”
Well, folks, I did not agree. And this angered me even more because (1) I wasn’t burping in his ear – I was on one end of the couch, side by side about a foot away, (2) when I experience this symptom it can go on to the next day, so is there an expectation for me to ask the movie be paused essentially a day? and (3) I dunno…he knows I’m sick, I reminded it was a symptom, and it would have been fucking nice if his delicate sensitivities weren’t so bothered and he could just deal with it? Or better yet ask me if I was ok? Maybe make some tea? Like seriously anything other than “your burping is annoying WHEN I KNOW THIS IS A SYMPTOM OF YOUR VERY SERIOUS ILLNESS”
To add insult to injury, he wanted me to bury the hatchet, drop my silent “attitude” and move on without him trying to see how incredibly hurtful, shitty, and honestly cruel it all felt. He kept pushing I drop my attitude and see his prerogative but I continued to say I disagree with his take and because it all felt so wrong, because he wasn’t willing to hear anything other than his take, I wasn’t going to say anything at all. I tried multiple times to walk away and he would just follow me, tell me I fucked up, and to demand I apologize. I told him it was the last thing I needed after a shitty work day plus treatment. But he still pushed.
We argued nonsense a bit (him: you’re wrong, me: I don’t agree leave me alone), we went to bed, and the next day he tries to act like it’s all ok, no apology no addressing it. But it’s just not. I’m over here hoping I’ll make it ok to the next day and the first thing that can run through his mind is how annoying my burping is when I’m just trying to relieve some pain? How can someone even be that cruel and selfish to someone they say they love?
tl;dr – I’m pretty sick and will be for awhile. To try to relieve some pain from one of my more minor symptoms (indigestion), I try to frequently burp. Doesn’t sound like one of those audible “burrrrp,” but like you’re trying to push out some air in the form of a burp. My very long term boyfriend was annoyed by my burping because we were trying to watch a movie. He tried to dictate how I should experience my illness around him instead of trying empathy and compassion first.
2 comments
Sorry you’re sick.
The harsh reality is having a sick loved one is stressful. Stress causes irritability. He may not have handled it well in the moment, but he’s allowed to be annoyed. I’d be annoyed too. He also came up with a pretty good compromise, in my opinion.
Maybe I’m being harsh. This is coming from someone who has been sick like you. I didn’t EXPECT my partner to act a certain way. Y’all aren’t married. I suspect there is something much larger happening if this triggering you both. Sounds like lots of built up emotions.
Is there a question here? I agree that your boyfriend was insensitive, carrying on the way he did when he knows you’re ill and that burping is one of your symptoms. I get that he was annoyed because he was trying to pay attention to the movie. Is it possible that you and he could have watched it the following day, or at another time after your burping calmed down? It just seems that watching a movie as a quality-time activity just wasn’t appropriate at that particular time. It wasn’t your fault and it was something that couldn’t be helped.