like the title says, a woman in my friend group who’s the eldest of the group, said some pretty hurtful things to me about my body, and now I don’t feel comfortable being in my swimwear near her.
We are all a bit overwight in some way, but bone of us are obese.
I feel at a loss here, since they all are my very good and close friends.
Sorry if this gets a bit long.
About a week ago, the friend in question suddenly said: “do me a favour and throw away your green trousers”. It was very out of context and in the middle of 3 of us just sitting together and knitting.
I asked her what she ment and if she could be specific, since I have more than one pair that are green.
She said she didn’t know which one, except they made my ass look huge and saggy and when I had bend down, they had slipped a bit so I had to pull them up. Said they didn’t work for someone who “is your large size”.
I said I had an idea which pair she ment and that I usually only wear them at home, but had worn them one night out to the knitting club, as my washer had broken and they were the only ones left clean (Note, some people show up in their nighties for this).
She then said: “your ass is too fat for them, so throw them away”.
I got a bit defensive and said I can’t just go around throwing clothes away, but I’ll try not to wear them outside the house again. The other friend present said she had many pairs she only wear at home and admitted to being one of the people who would wear nighties at the club gatherings on occasions.
The talk then diverted into how some might be okay with wearing comfort clothes to club gatherings while others aren’t, and that’s okay.
I really figured that was it. But as I was leaving and bend down to tie my shoes, F(52) pulled up my sweater and looked at my butt with a big grin and said “oh don’t worry, I just had to check your crack wasn’t showing in these trousers” and then added “you’re good thought, they keep your wide butt inside”.
I felt very humiliated, but couldn’t come up with a reply.
Now there’s a standing open invitation for all of us to go swimming together on Fridays and Sundays. I don’t feel like showing any part of my body near F(52) at the moment, so I cancelled for this week.
The others found it odd that I didn’t want to go, but didn’t pester me for reasons.
I know that if I single out F(52) and the things she said as the reason I don’t want to go, then I’ll be told I’m making a big deal out of things and can’t take constructive criticism. I know this, since the group used to have one more member who didn’t take well to “constructive criticism” of her knitting. The others thought she was just being dramatic and couldn’t handle friendly help.
Is there a way to explain that I don’t like it, when someone points out my bodily flaws, without necessarily pointing fingers?
Or is the only way out to set clear boundaries and then just accept the outcome whatever it may be?
TLDR: friend told me I’m fat, now I don’t want to go swimming with them again. How do I tell them I don’t like getting remarks on my body?
I’m reading all your comments and replying to as many as possible. Thank you all for your love and support for me and my butt. I will stand up for myself and not accept being bullied. Lots of love to the Reddit community for being kind, uplifting and always there to give a good perspective on issues.
34 comments
> I know that if I single out F(52) and the things she said as the reason I don’t want to go, then I’ll be told I’m making a big deal out of things and can’t take constructive criticism.
Well, if they do that, then you tell them in no way do unprovoked insults about someone else’s body, without even so much as an equally unsolicited diet or exercise suggestion to try and cover up the fact you’re just counting on that person being too polite or shocked to call you on your nastiness constitute “constructive criticism.” Also ask them why it’s a bigger deal to not tell this woman to keep her lousy attitude to herself than ask you to put up with it, especially when you’re not the first person she’s managed to drive off with her comments and won’t be the last if they keep allowing it. And if they still don’t see the problem, either find a new group to hang out with, or take that as permission to teach this woman what she apparently failed to learn in grade school about not dishing it out if you can’t take it.
>since they all are my very good and close friends
Based on the things you’ve listed that this person said, I’d strongly reconsider the ‘very good and close friends’ label. No very good and close friend would say the sort of shit that she said to you.
>I know that if I single out F(52) and the things she said as the reason I don’t want to go, then I’ll be told I’m making a big deal out of things and can’t take constructive criticism.
In no way shape or form is what she said to you constructive criticism. Absolutely not.
This person is not your friend. I would just go to the group activities, and BLANK the hell out of her. And I mean that very literally.
That’s not your friend. She’s a bully. Stay away from her, and the group too since they’ll side with her little comments.
This is not how friends treat others. Find people who actually respect you, and that don’t put you down to make themselves feel better.
>then I’ll be told I’m making a big deal out of things and can’t take constructive criticism.
Making fun of someone’s body is not constructive criticism and your “friends” should know the difference. It’s unkind to police what others wear and make comments on their weight, that should be a hard line.
All women aren’t hard to deal with. Insecure women are. Find a friend group that is genuinely supportive of each other. Body shaming is the opposite of being supportive. There are plenty of women out there that are comfortable in their own skins, and that don’t need to tear down other people to feel good about themselves.
You get to he picky about who your close friends are. People that treat you well and are supportive of you is not an unreasonable standard, though.
This person is not your friend
You need to stand up for yourself
That’s a bully, not a friend.
The best way to deal with a bully, in my experience, is to be difficult about accepting the abuse. They favor easy targets.
Like when she commented on your current outfit, maybe spit back that you appreciate her checking up close since her grandma aged eyes probably couldn’t tell from across the room, or something.
Those green pants she mentioned. Wear them every week. If she comments – inform her you’re not interested in her comments about your body. Repeat until she catches a clue.
Well, tell them to mind they own business feel me? Why the heck she wanna be all up in yo beautiful ass crack anyway?
Nah forget that home girl, there ain’t no need for all that extra drama and stress.
Just do you and live your life to the fullest
And tell her to mind her own business and check out her own crack aye?
Word.
Happy Swimming to you ma’am 😉
Rock that booty as fine as it is. Shiii sounds lile some silly jealousy and foolishness to me . Psh. That lady needs to get her ass together herself. Not yo problem dear.
👌🏼🙏🏼✌🏼
If you can’t bring up uncomfortable situations to the group of friends then they’re not good friends who actually care about you.
It’s okay within the group to hurt peoples feelings but not okay to take it personally when they hurt you. How awful.
I hope you’re able to bring it up and let her know she hurt you and let the group know you’re not willing to expose yourself to ridicule and bullying behaviors. If they would prefer you just take it, they’re not people who care about you and it’s best to know. Trying to hide from the truth is hurtful to yourself as well.
Constructive criticism of knitting, although kinda weird?, is *completely* different than body shaming.
But, just for the sake of your friend who knit – did she ask for feedback? was it just a hobby she did for fun? was someone making fun of her knitting, or were they really giving constructive feedback? – I’m not asking these questions hoping for an answer, but rather pointing out that even “constructive criticism” on a hobby can be unwarranted, unhelpful, and insulting.
Now as far as what this woman has said and done to you (because she not only insulted you but also put her freakin’ hands on you and pulled up your shirt – like WTF that’s a great way to get punched) – it’s just not ok. Plan and simple. This is black and white NOT OK.
Before you confront (which it looks like you’ve decided to do) and set boundaries – which are both totally warranted and appropriate responses – it might help if you google “why is remarking on someone’s weight not ok” or “why it isn’t helpful to comment on someone’s weight when you think you have good intentions” I’ve had to do this before when trying to explain to an ex of mine why I didn’t need him to tell me how to eat right, worry about my “health,” etc. Some people just don’t get it, and it can be hard to explain because they use the whole “I was just trying to help” argument.
When people think they’re helping (aka lying to themselves and telling themselves they’re just trying to help), it can be good to have some things in your back pocket about how it’s not helpful at all. Of course, you don’t need to explain yourself *at all,* but… since you have other friends in the group who seem like they are maybe a little clueless, you could possibly use this as an opportunity to educate everyone. It is NOT your responsibility AT ALL to inform any of these women why this bullying behavior isn’t ok – but, it might help you feel empowered if you can rely on some things other than just your feelings (though your feelings ARE and SHOULD be enough) to stand up for yourself.
Don’t fall in the trap of trying to explain yourself though if nobody really gives a shit. Rather just maybe go into it feeling super confident like you know FOR SURE that you’re right and they’re wrong (because they are).
Idk if any of this advice is helpful, but if you want me to try to elaborate some more, I can. I just know there are a ton of things on google you can read about this very thing, and it might be helpful to you.
Also – I bring the example up with my ex because he really couldn’t understand why I was so offended. He was raised in a family that criticized the shit out of him, and he kind of always thought that’s what you do when you love someone. I took the time to explain to him that it’s not what you do, and because he *wanted* to understand. He actually got a lot better about his behavior, and it was worth it to me to put in the effort with him. But, not everyone will be worth that effort. So, you ultimately just gotta go with what your gut is telling you.
I’d wear the green pants every time you see her from now on. When she brings it up again say “Well you just kept talking about my green pants so much I figured I’d wear them again.”
When she talks about your butt again, “You sure do talk about my butt crack a lot. Huh.” Act you’re thinking deeply about the implications of that.
If she pulls at your clothes again, “Why are you pulling my sweater up? What do you think you’re gonna see?”
Other comebacks “You sure seem to think a lot about my body.” “Why do you talk about my fat ass so much?” “Why are you always grabbing my clothes?”
Deliver these all in a normal volume so others hear and act genuinely confused and befuddled. Draw attention to her weird behavior.
Idk if this will work for you, but I pulled similar and harsher comebacks with a work colleague that kept making inappropriate comments about my body. It does take some confidence, but you’re making it clear her bullying comments aren’t gonna hurt you.
It wasn’t constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is helpful and usually is advice that you would not already know.
Your friend is being mean . what she said isn’t helpful. It isn’t funny. She has designated you the sacrificial lamb and is making herself feel better at your expense.
You didn’t know what to say? I had to erase what I originally wrote but it had something to do with knitting needles and where to put them. You were WAY too nice. She attacked you. FIGHT BACK.
Blunt is coed for ah. This woman is not your friend.
Sounds like she’s super insecure about her own body.
This is a hard thing to admit about myself, but as someone who has horrible body image issues, I find myself nitpicking other bodies when I’m feeling worst about mine. It sounds like 52F might be dealing with a bit of insecurity if this isn’t the first time she’s made negative comments about your other friends. If she’s the oldest by a lot, that may also be a part of it.
Also, big booties are beautiful. The jiggle, the fullness, the in-your-face-ness… don’t let her make you feel bad about your ass(ets). Don’t let any of your friends make you feel like you’re overreacting. You’re really not. Having someone say something demeaning about your body is incredibly hurtful. If you said something hurtful about them, would they laugh it off? Probably not. Why should you?!
I am wondering why the other friends there didn’t defend you or at least suggest that she stopped attacking you? My friends would have done that if someone in the group did that to me. I don’t think you’re wrong to avoid this person. Mentioning it to her may do something, but I wouldn’t imagine too much. She chose to say those statements, repeatedly. She knows that her words are hurtful and that you are not confrontational. I feel like there’s a little more going on here than someone just making one off comments. I do wish you the best and hope that you do find people who appreciate you and lift you up and value you.
“Well if I had to choose between a wide butt and a big mouth, I’ll take the wide butt any day. I can change the size of my butt but I doubt you can fix your big mouth.”
a couple of phrases that you can use to push back without provoking the immediate ‘I was just trying to heeeelp’ where she becomes the victim.
‘Huh. Interesting that you think we need to look the best we can when we’re having a casual hangout with friends. Seems like an awful lot of pressure you’re putting on yourself. Are you okay?’
‘You know, you sound JUST like my aunt/mom/grandma when you say that. Haven’t talked to her in years.’
‘I know my ass is luscious Patricia, but seriously, my eyes are up here.’
…friends who can’t see the difference between criticism of a craft project and mean jabs about your body are **bad friends**
If your friends would seriously minimalize what she said they all suck. That is absolutely horrendous behavior.
Next time she pipes up with an insult, look her in the eye and tell her, “You’re a lot less ugly with your mouth shut.”
This 52f sounds horrible. She was purposefully trying to put you down and make you feel embarrassed.
Women look out for each other all the time, politely. Like if your tampon or pad is leaking, you accidentally tucked your skirt into your tights, toilet paper on your shoe, etc. This woman was just being mean.
Then she has to pull up your shirt and make more comments? It’s not okay for people to make comments on your body no matter what size you are, unless it’s a medical profesional or you specifically asked.
Find a new knitting group. You deserve better friends.
“You sure are uptight about my butt crack, meanwhile you let that gaping asshole you call a mouth flap open nonstop with all kinds of shit emerging from it and I don’t say a word. Isn’t that interesting?”
That’s not constructive criticism, she’s just being plain rude and mean. She’s probably putting you down to make herself feel better about her appearance. Please stand up for yourself. She sounds like an insufferable bully.
Wearing the pants every week will send a stronger message than saying anything else.
I’m so sorry but she’s 52 and still acting like the highschool bully ? That’s not a cute look and frankly really really sad … in no way was she being constructive in her grotesque words! She was making sure you felt smaller than her mentally, she was making sure she could step on someone else to make herself feel better and the friend you’re afraid to lose because she has also made a comment similar about your size.. she’s no friend at all!! who tf says that ? Also I noticed you mentioned how long you were friends with one of the girls and let me just tell you some people are not your close friends no matter how long you’ve been acquainted for.
Honestly, it sounds like they’re projecting their own insecurities onto you. You must be a triple threat to them! I would definitely bring it up and make it a point to say that any unwarranted comments made in regard to you or your body going forward is not acceptable. If your group of friends things that’s you being dramatic, they’re gaslighting you for having boundaries & are shitty people.
>I know that if I single out F(52) and the things she said as the reason I don’t want to go, then I’ll be told I’m making a big deal out of things and can’t take constructive criticism.
Insulting your weight is nowhere in the same ballpark as being unble to take constructive criticism. There was nothing constructive about her comments, she’s just a giant bully. If they side with her then I’d question if any of them are actually your friends.
OP you may not be confrontational but by no means should she ever have the gall to talk to you in that way. Like the minute she said that your green trousers should be tossed out because they don’t look good on you, she should’ve been shut down with a firm “mind your business”. She’s not a good friend
This wasn’t constructive criticism. It was mean and bitchy.
I would be looking to move on from this friend group. The 52F is a bully and no one else backed you or stood up for you.
Karen you seem to be very obsessed with my body… I’m surprised I never realized you were bisexual but I’m sorry, I’m not interested.
I would look her stone clod in the face and say, “How is it that you can body shame people so ruthlessly? I could never be so heartless. Is this something you work at or does it come naturally? “
I’m gay and even I don’t stare at other women’s asses without consent, and certainly wouldn’t comment.
But then, I love women’s asses and this woman just seems full of hate.
I could understand if she’d framed it as ‘those pants don’t flatter you’ but she’s… Kind of fixated on your ass?
Turn it around on her. Ask her why she’s so obsessed with your ass. 90% sure she’ll shut up because she won’t want to do that kind of self-reflection.
Either than, or point out that it’s rude to remark on other people’s bodies about anything they can’t fix in a few minutes.
The problem with these types of women is when they feel insecure they. never. stop.
Her mission is to destroy your self worth.
If you feel like the others can’t see what she’s doing and won’t stand up for you as well, honestly you need a new group of friends.
You’ve outgrown this one.