I want to first fully acknowledge that I understand I am not a true stepparent but sincerely do hope to be one one day and be a part of this wonderful family.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He has two kids from a prior marriage, both in their preteens. We recently went to get passports and as they are minors their mom had to come to sign off as well. Everything was fine, she and I have always been kind to one another. She said that if we do plan on traveling outside the country with her kids she would expect an invite. I understood but seeing as we were getting a passports just because and not that we had any immediate plans I didn’t say anything.
Now with the holidays approaching I guess there is a Black Friday deal on flights and my boyfriend is looking to book a 10 day trip to Peru next year. I told him I was feeling uncomfortable because I didn’t want to travel for 10 days with his ex wife. I suggested if he wanted to travel outside the country then maybe we could go somewhere simple like Canada and then maybe the ex wife wouldn’t have to join. Or do something small, not for as long and invite her to that and see how it goes. Do stepparents usually travel with their step children biological parent?
Edit: for all those wondering how my boyfriend felt. He wants to do what I feel comfortable with and said it seems wiser to do a small local trip all together before jumping the gun. However he doesn’t disagree with his ex wife’s thoughts as he would be worried and constantly thinking of his kids if they were out of the country without him. As well the mom is not as wealthy so I wouldn’t be surprised if my boyfriend was expected to pay a majority if not all of her costs as they would get blended in with hotel, all of us eating out, travel, ect. It’s more difficult to isolate costs I imagine when you are all out together.
43 comments
I’ve never seen anything like this. It just seems so weird. But it’s honestly hard to tell how it is not knowing the full story. It’s just very strange.
Unless she’s worried you guys are going to take the kids and not come back, it’s odd for her to insist on coming along.
That doesn’t sound normal but since you are asking. You are going to do anything they agree to.
You aren’t in a relationship where your influence is important. You need to date someone that doesn’t have this baggage.
No, this is not normal. What does your boyfriend think/say?
Never once did this happen with any of my steps and bios. Never heard of it. Is he buying them?! A firm no and if she does go, at her own cost, make her regret it by having a blast. Don’t invite her to anything and have private activities with you and SO, you and SO and his kids but NEVER her. Weird!!!
I wouldn’t let my kids out of the country without me. Period. But that’s me.
I would suggest going on a small vacation to see how it goes and make rules like she can spend time with the kids and then you guys so you don’t have to be together
Interesting. Is she concerned about the location you guys are taking the children to? Because ex-wife is likely to go with y’all if it’s to Peru but not to Canada? Is she kind of a ‘helicopter’ parent?
Or is she afraid y’all are just going to leave and not come back? <–possible, but unlikely, right?
Maybe she’s afraid that the children didn’t get supervised well because dad is taking his gf and they want to be romantic so the children get less supervision? Maybe if y’all are thinking of taking the children, just do somewhere closer so she’s less likely be anxious?
I know every couples-blended family has different dynamic though. I usually don’t see stepparents traveling together with step children’s bio parent, it’s not that common, but I guess, some have done this.
It would be absolutely not for me. What does your boyfriend think? If this is truly the plan going forward, you might want to think about whether that’s okay with you.
Not normal. Not for the whole trip unless maybe the kids are very young…
I have joined my kids towards the end of a trip with their father- as in the last 36 hours- so I could fly them home (they were in middle school and one kid had severe anxiety and didn’t want to fly cross country without a parent- dad was staying longer for a work conference). I did that on my own dime, got my own hotel (not just room- I stayed in a separate hotel) and literally did my own thing until their dads time with them was over.
We get along well enough we did one group activity to a museum which was nice for the kids.
So there’s the same age difference between you-his kids and you-him?
I have divorced friends who go on trips with their new partners and kids. It’s pretty nice, they just a big family and they all get along well. Plus the kids love it. If your bf and is ex still get along well enough then I don’t see why it’d be weird
I mean you’ve been around a year and hopefully have known the kids less than that (otherwise no). As a parent I wouldn’t let my kids out of the country with someone I barely know or without me. Not with someone they’ve been dating a year. Nope. I wouldn’t ask to go though. My kids just wouldn’t
Having his ex go on destination vacations is the same as her thinking neither one of you are capable of watching them, and you two agreeing with her on that.
I would hold off on vacations to distant locations until the kids are a little older. Otherwise, the ex joining may confuse the kids while making you feel like a third wheel.
No. This is absolutely UNWISE! His time and her time is defined in the divorce agreement.
The age gap between OP and her BF is such a red flag.
Um it’s strikes me as odd. If she hadn’t signed off on the passports I’d say it’s a red flag that she doesn’t trust her ex with the kids but equally even having signed off maybe she still low key doesn’t trust him and signed off to keep the peace knowing that he’d agree to take her along? Is he an okay dad in general or is he a bit negligent or something? That’s the only explanation I can think of here.
This isn’t rare as the ppl in the comments claim it to be.
Blended families go in long trips together all the time. If you’re not comfortable that’s completely understandable. Like some other said, I would hold off on long trips outside the country until the children are older.
Ooo! Ooo! I was you once!!! We traveled with the ex-wife and honestly, it was the best thing ever. We would get to have nights to go see adult things (eat at nicer restaurants, go to bars, dance to live music) and know the kids were safe with their mom. Conversely, she would have adult time, too. A couple of times her and I went out! It was actually neat, and when she remarried, her new husband came along, too.
My favorite was a trip to Brazil. We split time (and cost) pretty equally.
I will say that this works *only if everyone is super past the previous marriage* and *1000% on board*. Including the kids. In our case the divorce had happened five years prior (kid was 2) and the 7 year old was pretty stoked to experience places with both family units. If you can handle it, I’d say go for it!
Maybe I’m reading into it wrong, but what’s the hang up on him paying for her ticket? I don’t see anything wrong with him paying for his children’s mothers ticket/vacation..and I don’t see how it’s any of your concern either or affects you if he does pay for it. I understand to some extent you not wanting to travel with her at all, but in the event she does come I don’t see why it would be a problem if he paid, as long as he is fine with doing so. Also, you said in a comment something about “the amazing mom that raised them” or something along those lines and you seem to say nice enough things about her..so why do you have an issue traveling with her?
Sorry but my kids aren’t leaving the country without me. If he was taking them to Florida or something then yea sure go but out of the country? Absolutely not.
It is way too early for you to be going on international family trips with his kids! You have only been dating a year. Go on a short international trip with boyfriend and leave the kids home with ex wife. Or go on a domestic trip with boyfriend + kids.
Ya , don’t even start with this it will never stop. There will always be another woman in your face for every holiday and than in ur living room for Xmas etc. if they want to travel so bad together they can get back together
“Yeah that’s weird AF” – g + j
so how much money does he make for you to date some one way older then you? the age gap is gross
That’s weird as hell. I would be out the door if my bf agreed to that.
Don’t do a family trip with them, don’t do trip with him and his kids. Go on romantic vacation with your boyfriend. Way too early for you to be doing trips with his kids let alone international ones. Enjoy this for what it is take your time getting to know his kids.
It’s not common. But not super unheard of. I personally wouldn’t want to be in that situation either. I believe most would say the same thing.
I think it’s weird that she expects the invite. And definitely neither of you should be paying for her to come and join your vacation. That’s an expectation she should be ready for, as a coparent. That’s kinda the point is they are not together sooo why would she go on your trips? Weir as hell and I wouldn’t go for that
I mean. I may be weird for this response, but…. First of all, this is hard because there is not a lot of context. I know people who are the girlfriend and become best friends with the ex wife. They hang out all the time and do everything with the kids together so the kids still get the best of both their parents and some kick ass bonus parents on top of it. But then there are ex wives who are still holding on to hope. Like, were they on the same page when they ended things? Or no?
How you feel depends on your insecurities and their relationship dynamic. If she is just the mother of his kids, and she treats you right, it shouldn’t bother you. If you plan on being with a man who has a baby momma you need to figure out your own insecurities and you need to do to quick. But if you think there are still feelings there on her end, then it makes sense why you feel this way. This is such a complex situation and you have given very little information to actually receive productive responses.
Either way here is the thing. If you are going to be with a man who has kids you need to put those kids above your insecurities. They come first. As they should. If you are not prepared for that it’s okay! But if you want this to work you need to to really sit on that and figure out if you are willing to be a part of it and their life. That’s their mom. She will always be their mom. Sometimes trips together can be so good for the kids. (Now, not every trip together needs to include her don’t get me wrong) But sometimes, it should.
There’s no need for you to take a family trip just yet. It’s a year in, go on a small holiday for the two of you. Have a solid relationship foundation with the kids and the ex wife before you think about a whole family holiday.
You are not respected at all if he accepts but he will you ll see
There s a reason with an old man dating a younger girl
He ll found a lot of things weird but he ll do it anyway
What would he say if your ex was coming on a trip with you 2?
MANIPULATION
I mean, those are your boyfriend’s kids and her kids and they both seem to be in favor of it, so they get veto power over you.
I personally would not be okay with this myself.
Pretty sure my ex would laugh in my face if I asked to go on holiday with him and his girlfriend. This would be a normal response from an ex to a request like this. Not sure why yours is even considering it to be honest.
My god you’re 27 why are you dealing with this? Does he make a shot ton of money and you’re in it for the cash? Please no
Maybe I’m just triggered because I dated someone 16 years older than me and it was the more painful relationship of my life and I regret it so so much. Honestly though, why are you with him? And second; does that still ring true to this day?
How long have they been divorced/ separated?
No, it is not normal for the ex to join the family for vacations. It’s also not acceptable and you can and should refuse.
The ex-wife is trying to get a free holiday on your dime.
I wouldn’t allow the ex on holiday. It’s a recipe for disaster.
You go on holiday abroad with the kids alone or you go away as couple without the kids. Your idea to start with a closer trip to Canada with just the kids is a good idea.
In any case, if your partner and you accept she can come with you, then she needs yo find her part of the trip herself. You don’t owe her a holiday.
I am married and my husband has taken my kid on trips on his own and I have done the same. I trust him to keep him safe when I’m not around and he trusts me. This is an odd request from mom, either she’s is controlling, anxious, trying to get a free vacation, intruding in your relationship or whatever. This should not be a thing, your bf should put a stop to this.
I saw one year, 40 year old boyfriend with kids and an ex wife, and all I’d say is you’re gunna be miserable down the line
She’s subtly insulting you and your partner – suggesting that the kids wouldn’t be safe or comfortable without her there. At the very least she wants a free vacation. It’s a bizarre demand and I would push back very hard.
So he says he understands if you say no.
Then say no. You aren’t obligated to be okay traveling with your boyfriend and his ex. Kids or not, that’s a completely healthy boundary for you to make.
If she doesn’t want to miss big events, tough. She’s divorced. That means she doesn’t go on vacations paid for by her ex husband. Maybe she’s using the kids as an excuse. Maybe not. But she clearly has attachment issues and I wouldn’t nurture that to “keep the peace”.
She’s making her feelings and wants the priority. There’s nothing wrong if you expect the same for yourself, and from your *actual current partner*. Don’t feel bad about it girl!
Get out while you can
Wow, imagine the fun you’d be having if you weren’t dating someone with all that mess going on. Like maybe someone your own age. You might as well be the grandma in this situation. You’re 27 going on 60.