Hi,
I had a conversation with my mom concerning my autistic brother (32M) and his care and through the papers I’m (31F) am the main provider listed should anything happen to my parents when they get older.
I contested this, asking why my brothers weren’t on there (edit #2: as additional providers so that we can all help him). From what I understand, it’s because my dad views me more favorably.
When I mentioned that I want to get married and “what if my spouse doesn’t want my autistic brother around” because it’s a lot of responsibility and is life-changing, she mentioned that I shouldn’t want him as a husband, anyway. She also said basically that if I were her, I’d feel regret knowing that I could be responsible if anything happened to my brother if he were placed in a group home (hence the guilt trip part).
And I just feel like it’s not fair. Everyone else that doesn’t have an autistic sibling doesn’t have to worry about this and will have more opportunities and things accessible to them, but I want to live my life, too. I’m childfree, but feel like being a provider will make me be a parent when I didn’t want to be while my brothers get to do whatever.
I’m afraid to talk to my dad about it, too, because he might react badly. I don’t know how my siblings feel and want to ask them, either.
I feel like crying and that I’m alone. I don’t have a job or apartment right now, so I’m struggling to be independent despite the fact that it’s very important to me. I know that I need to talk to my family, but don’t know how to approach this right after talking to my mom about it. Advice?
(Edited for clarification)
41 comments
It isn’t fair for them to expect you or your brothers to assume care for your sibling when your parents are no longer able to do it. I know it will feel uncomfortable, but you need to tell them that you definitely will not be his guardian or caretaker. He’s their child, and they need to make appropriate plans for his future.
It’s really awful that they thought they could just dump this on you.
Your mom’s comments are definitely not okay. It’s not fair for her to guilt-trip you into feeling responsible for your brother’s care. You have every right to live your life and pursue your own happiness. It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your family about your concerns and make it clear that you have your own dreams and aspirations. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting to live your life on your own terms. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and that includes pursuing your own goals and priorities.
You should definitely not be the sole care taker for your brother, that absolutely doesn’t mean you don’t love him. Just communicate with you siblings first to see where they stand after that your father and be firm in saying that it won’t be a 100% only your responsibility. And trust me finding a partner, willing to stay will definitely be harder if your brother is left all on your shoulders. Good luck!
not your circus, not your monkeys
Honestly? If something happens to them you don’t have to look after your brother and there’s no legally binding document that can change this. So you can humour them then do what you will in the event of your parents’ demise. Or you can stand your ground and say no.
The only reason they’re saddling you with this is because you’re a woman. That’s it. Tell your mother they either list your siblings too or they remove you and if they don’t you will simply refuse when the time comes.
Are we talking about him living with you or is he in assisted living and you would be his power of attorney?
You probably have to keep your head down and nod along amicably until you are independent and able to make a run for it. Don’t rock the boat before or you risk that your family will sabotage you to keep you as carer. Mom, Dad and all your siblings will loose their free carer if you dip. Chances are high that they will use every tool at their disposal to keep you around.
Breathe and make a plan.
I am a parent to a young adult with autism. He is 25 and believe this is one issue I think of constantly. My other children, his brother and sister are not. I think about their futures a lot also. I don’t what kind of care that your parents expect or what his needs are, but you really need to talk to them again. I don’t want you to worry about things that have not happened yet. There may be other resources your parents haven’t explored yet. You take one day at a time and focus on one thing at a time. I will apologize for your parents to you. It’s easy to forget as a parent our children will become adults who can make their own decisions.
The good news is that this is not something they can force on you, regardless of what their will says. They can say “ConfusedBlackBear is the trustee and controls the money as long as Brother lives with her” but they can’t say “Brother must live with ConfusedBlackBear”.
It is very convenient for everyone else for you to take this on, so it’s not surprising that you’re getting pushback.
You know your family dynamics best and can judge whether your brothers will be a good support for you on this or will also pressure you to agree.
Ultimately I’m sure you love your brother and it’s important for his welfare that your parents are making realistic plans, so this is probably a time to make a stand.
This is a hard topic of discussion, but it needs to be addressed. You need to talk to both parents and tell them that you are refusing to take on this role. That luckily, they are here to still fix it.
They need to look and find him a group home that will be well suited for their son, your brother. Where he can have a bit of independence and they can hopefully teach him to thrive the best he is able to do. I know they there are many levels of autism, and hopefully they can find one that is best suited for him. Tell them that they can also set up a trust to help support his financial needs. You can compromise and check to see that he is treated well.
Your parents have had a hard journey, with raising him. I’m thinking that they have coddled him as well. My aunt has a Downs son. When he became an adult she placed him in a group home and he is thriving. He is pretty much non verbal, but they got him to do a lot independently though supervised.
If documents are being prepared which commit you to future responsibility and you are not asked to or required to sign those documents, then you have not agreed and the document is unenforceable. If you are not prepared to provide care for your sibling you do not have to. In fact it is almost certain that any such care would be better managed by professionals.
All that said, dealing with the guilt is another thing. I, and others, can tell you until we are blue in the face that you have no reason to feel guilty about this, and I think you probably already know that in your logical brain, but inevitably you still feel it. I am not American so I don’t assume that therapy is the answer to every life problem but I really do think it could help you here. Please look into it, and all the best to you.
NTA. You should not take this obligation on. Stop talking to your parents if they won’t let it be.
Ah hahahahaha your momma is emotional abusive. Not your kid, not your responsibility. Your parents need to arrange everything so your sibling can live a life without your help. Oh Boy you have a life as well and that’s not fair, you are their child as well not only your sibling. Tell them
This isn’t because they view you more favourably, it’s because you are female, and women are expected to take on the caring load. That whole ‘regret’ thing is them trying to guilt you into it. Tell them you either share the load with your sibs or you’re out.
Just focus on getting a job, like your number 1 priority. Ideally a long way away. You need to get out of there and away. It looks like your parents have been conditioning you to look after your brother for a long time. Focus everything on getting away from them.
Yes you will feel guilty. Listen to the advice here, impartial, logical advice untainted by the emotional manipulation you have experienced from your parents. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING A LIFE OF YOUR OWN.
So get out of there ASAP.
I don’t think it’s fair or right of them to try emotionally blackmail you into looking after your autistic brother. You need to go out and have a life of your own. If you decide to have children too, then you also can’t be looking after a very austistc man whilst looking after a newborn.
Your parents need to sort out suitable care arrangements, which starts with them getting your brother a carer right now so that he can gradually grow accustomed to accepting help from and being around non-family members.
Children are the responsibility of their parents (not their siblings), I doubt that you being chosen has anything to do with you being the best care provider and more down to your parents believing that they can pressurise you into accepting the position (which your other siblings probably wouldn’t do in a million years).
Don’t enable your parents to do this if you don’t want it, you have a right to put your foot down and say “No”.
I work with people with intellectual disabilities and mental illness. It is also unfair to your brother that they are doing this. He needs a plan that benefits him as well as his siblings.
Sometimes, being at home is not the best plan. It is isolating and not the best care. I’ve seen so many people that lived their entire lives with their families blossom after moving into a facility where they can make friends and learn as much independence as possible.
They should be taking the time they have to find an appointment home where your brother can flourish. You could be his guardian and take him for visits. The people I work with that have active loving gaurdians are so lucky and rare.
No parent should put that burden on you. I would never ask any of my children to take care of their brother. They deserve to live their own life. Your parents need to make other plans. Unfortunately that may mean he goes to the state for care but they have adult programs.
You will disappoint them but you have to live your life.
It’s their child not yours. They have to plan his future and save for group home for him.
Tell them that you will not take care of him. They should look into group home. They can look for association that helps with this.
No matter how much they try to guilt trip you, don’t let them win. I suppose you already didn’t get a lot of your parents attention because of autistic brother growing up. You propably had to sacrifice a lot of things too.
Please don’t let them take away your adulthood too. It’s not your brother fault, he is innocent in this. But the harsh truth is that him being here , is a burden for you and you always had to pay for him. Stop paying. Think about yourself and yourself only.
You can also look into great group homes and plan for it on your own so that if you parents don’t have any plans when they pass away: you can immediately place your brother and make sure that he is well taken care of.
Good luck
Tell your parents you will not be responsible for your brother at any point in the future and they should be looking for a group home or assisted living situation for him. Explain that you love him and will visit him (if this is true), but he is not your child, and you have the right to plan for your own future. Be VERY CLEAR that their future plans for their disabled son should NOT include you, because you will not allow them to use you in that way. Don’t leave any open doors for them— no way to twist your words or claim they didn’t understand. Be clear and use precise language.
It’s simple, he goes into a nice group home once your parents pass where he’ll be taught lots of skills etc. if your brothers protest, then let them look after him.
You have your own life to lead, don’t be guilted into doing anything
Wake up – you were chosen because your are a women – your wants and needs don’t matter to your parents – only their sons. They can put you down as a care giver but you don’t have to agree to do it. Don’t! Go and live your own life
People look at residential living as something bad. In a lot of cases, it’s the opposite. He will be with people who are trained to give him his best life. He will be living with people like him that he can form close relationships with. He’ll have so many more opportunities. And most of all, he deserves to have his own life. Don’t feel guilty!!
OP as other posters have noted your parents can ask for anything including the moon being painted blue with pink polka dots. It doesn’t mean it will happen.
Continue to work on you and ideally living independently even if it angers your parents.
Even if you don’t succeed in doing that you are still not required to ever be the caretaker of your brother by simply refusing when the time comes. Your other brothers can then choose to step up or a group home or appropriate living situation would be found if your autistic brother is incapable of living on his own.
Don’t be surprised if your parents have wills if they tie you getting anything to you agreeing to care for your brother. The things about wills is people can and do refuse to accept inheritances all the time when they come with burdensome conditions.
Would it be best your parents start working with your brother’s doctor to find an appropriate living situation? Yes it would but if they won’t listen and refuse to deal with reality as they are your brother’ legal guardians you can’t force them.
Bottom line you are NOT an indentured servant who must do whatever they are told or asked of them. You are a legal adult who will make appropriate decisions for yourself when the time comes.
Best wishes to you OP.
Why are you 31 still at home and no job? Like you need to buckle down and get out and tell them not your kid not your responsibility the time to grow a spine is now
Get independent, and get out ASAP.
Your parents are putting too much of a burden on you. Don’t sign anything that will make you the some legal guardian.
Talk to your brothers. Will they support you in this? Then present a united front to your parents.
I’m going to be blunt – you are an adult and they support you totally. You need to start supporting yourself before you can lay any demands down with them about not supporting your brother. Get a job, get a life and get out of this situation.
If I’m reading this correctly, you currently live with your parents and are completely dependent on them. This is not the time to go to war with your mom over your brother’s future. Unless your parents are both terminally ill, you have some time.
Use that time to get your own life going. Contrary to what other commenters are insisting, this may not be solely about you being the girl. That’s probably part of it, but more likely, your mom is thinking, “Daughter lives here and we support her anyway, we will give her the house and the brother and the life insurance and it will be fine.” The deal is you trade your freedom for their financial support.
If you’re going to turn down the responsibility of your brother, you need to get out from depending on the support. Fly, little chickadee, fly.
If they feed you and shelter you, this isn’t the time to have the conversation.
I work with autistic children and young adults and what your parents want from you, can almost be said to be the equivalent of someone asking you to take their place in prison. I love each and everyone one of my clients but I’m well aware that the home life of their families can often be brutal. Support your sibling to the degree you can, but don’t waste your own life. Your parents took on the responsibility of taking care of them when they became parents, even if it’s lifelong. That responsibility is not conferred on you.
I’m going to be honest with you. You are 31 years old with no job living off your parents. How exactly do they expect you to take care of your brother if you can’t take care of yourself? I would focus on getting your life in order before worrying about something that could happen tomorrow or 20 years from now.
Get a job, go to school, just get out of that house – once you are on your feet tell them they need another solution. Or maybe at that point you will want to care for your brother….who knows. Just worry about right now
There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, OP. Look into group homes where your brother could be handled by professionals and still have a decent life.
My youngest of 3 has down syndrome. I would never in a million years expect my older children to take care of him.
I do want them to make sure he is taken care of though. With a group home etc. And to advocate and check up on him.
I don’t expect them to house him and keep him alive. That’s ridiculous and not fair to them.
I’m sorry your parents feel this way and are guilt tripping you. Please don’t give in.
R/legaladviceofftopic is a great place to ask about the legalities of this situation.
They’re just pushing the responsibility on you because you’re a woman.
They should be speaking with a lawyer along with all your siblings to discuss what their finances are like and what to expect when A they are no longer capable or handling him and B when they are actually gone. A trust should be set up it’s not fair nor your responsibility to be the sole caregivers for him.
On the flip side after all this you should all know there likely won’t be any sort of inheritance of sort all their money will go into his care
“Dad, I cannot be the sole provider for my brother. My siblings and I need to be equally responsible for his care.”
You are not your brother’s keeper.
I’ll throw in some devil’s advocate fuel. OP is 31 living at home and being supported by her parents. This is currently no different than the brother. I think it is fair of the parents to ask this since it is fair compensation for what they have provide for OP as a non-independent adult. It also provides a meaningful impact on the brother’s quality of life compared to a home when the parents pass, which is very good purpose to add meaning to OP’s failure to launch as an adult.
“ mom and dad I’m willing to take over supervising his care but I’m not gonna be doing it on a day-to-day basis. We need to look into the state programs that can provide him a group home and start transitioning him now and then I’ll oversee his care and visit him when you’re gone.”