I’m so confused and frustrated. We’ve been in a relationship for 3 months today. During dating, he responded quickly, made it known he wanted to see me, etc.
Now I feel like I’m the one putting in more effort. The more I try to intertwine with him (make him food constantly, take care of his dog, initiate hanging out), the less effort he puts in.
A couple times I have stopped putting effort/energy into it and act unbothered by him being passive and as soon as he picks up on that, the effort starts back up toward me, the talking about “our future”, saying sweet things. Most of the time it seems like he could take or leave me, UNLESS I’m being distant and unavailable. It’s exhausting having to constantly hide my feelings to get my needs met.
We used to have deep emotional conversations and lots of flirting. Now I notice when I bring something up that has an emotional component to it, it’s like a major turn off to him and he shuts down the conversation quickly. He also doesn’t want to have sex as much as I do. I feel like he thinks he can get me whenever he wants, and last time he tried I shot him down (which seemed to shock him). At the beginning he was all for sex, now he doesn’t initiate or has an excuse if I try. When I say flirty comments, he ignores them. I feel like the aggressor with sexual things and I’ve never felt like that before.
We’re only 3 months in. Would I be better off ending it sooner rather than later? Could it get better? Do you just have to act distant all the time to keep a guys interest? Do guys not want an into-them-good girl, but want a b*tchy girl? He’s a great guy, tons of friends, great moral compass, level-headed, very attractive etc. Can’t shake the feeling that he’s unsure or uninterested in me.
He started crying when I brought up feeling like maybe we’re incompatible about a month ago. He continues to say this is the best a relationship has ever been for him and denies anything I bring up about feelings not matching. It leaves me feeling lonely and unheard. But I don’t want to have to act distant to get him to want me. I can’t shake the feeling that the full commitment/effort isn’t there like it could be. But also wonder if that’s just how he is (he’s a self-proclaimed “guys guy”). It’s such a stark contrast in behavior from when we were first dating. I’m confused and always anxious about it. What should I do?
TLDR: my boyfriend of 3 months acts hot toward me if I’m distant, but acts cold/uninterested when I show feelings/interest. I’m confused, help.
4 comments
What’s so confusing? He’s not making any effort and then making it YOUR fault when you try to do the right thing for yourself. There are lots of men in the world, go find one who isn’t this guy.
I’d give it another shot but lay it all out. Tell him what you noticed with his pattern of behavior and how it makes you feel, what your expectations are. If he wants to keep it going ask him what specifically he plans on changing to meet your needs. If he drops the ball again, dump him, he def isn’t ready for a relationship. Make it clear how this makes you feel and what you need, if he can’t match that he’s not for you and you shouldn’t stick around just because it’s his best relationship so far, he needs to step it up and show effort consistently, not when you manipulate him through mind games.
Read up on attachment styles too. Sounds like he’s avoidant.
It’s only been 3 months and already you’re feeling lonely, unheard, confused and anxious. Relationships are supposed to make you feel better, not worse! Especially at this stage – it should be all love hearts and unicorns, not confused and anxious. Just go ahead and break up with him. Go find someone who improves your life, not confuses it!