I work a lot. Two jobs and soon to be a third. My wife and I are dealing with a chapter 13 bankruptcy. 1601 a month. Because of this I am not home very much. Additionally I am exhausted and stressed all the time. My wife has told me she feels unloved and unwanted. It’s difficult to find the time to be able to be intimate. She has told me that she doesn’t want just sex. She wants me to spend time with her. I would love to do so. However I am so tired and so stressed all the time that it’s difficult to do. And I don’t want to phone it in. I’m doing everything that I know how to do to make sure that our family stays together. But I also feel like doing so will break us apart and I will never see my daughter or my wife ever again. I’ve asked her many times what she wants me to do, and her response is very similar to “I should know”. I feel like she doesn’t respect me for who I am and what I’m trying to do. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do at this point. How am I supposed to balance working so much and being stressed all the time with showing her the love and affection she so desperately deserves and craves. I’ve made the suggestion that I should just focus all of my free time on her. She says that’s not it. And while I know that it’s not all about sex, I feel like a good portion of it is. So what am I supposed to do? She says that I refuse to find a balance. I don’t know what balance there could be. And when I asked her to help me find the balance, she again makes the statement that I should know. She leaves it entirely up to me to figure out how to solve the problem that she’s dealing with. I really need help here.
4 comments
Her saying “you should know” is a bullshit answer.
You are working 2 jobs, soon to be 3 and still dealing with bankruptcy? Something is not exactly right here financially…
How is your wife financially supporting your marriage?
She works as a bus driver and substitute teacher. She makes a little bit of money. But what little she makes is not enough to make up for everything else. One of the jobs that I have pays for the bankruptcy payments. There is nothing left after they take that. The other job is only making me about $200 a week. With all of our bills combined, there is no way I can pay for everything on $200 a week. Hers makes up for some of the rest. That’s why I need to take a third job so that everything is getting paid for. And there’s not really anything that is odd about the finances except for the fact that I didn’t qualify for a chapter 3 bankruptcy because the value of my house went up insanely within a matter of months because of a devastating flood in my town. Property values of everything that’s not in the flood zone skyrocketed at that point.
My advice, take and hour or two out of your day to simply make your wife feel wanted and desired. She needs to feel that she is as important, if not more, than your other priorities. Again, not just loved, but desired.
This makes me feel SO SO sad for you… back 30 years ago, when we got married, our church had us do three premarital counseling sessions with the pastor. One of the *biggest* things he told us was to *always* remember that – “no one is a mind-reader!” He said the biggest problems in marriage happen when expectations do not meet reality. The key is communication, communication, communication!
In your case, your wife is expecting you to read her mind and “know” what she wants! That doesn’t work! NO ONE can read minds! She is going to have to tell you exactly what she expects. I hope you can try to explain this to her in a gentle way. We have been married 30 years and this advice has helped us SO much over the years!
Your wife has expectations (unknown to you) that are not being met. How can you meet them if she won’t tell you? You both are under extreme stress because of the money situation! I would say go to marriage counseling but I know that costs a lot of money. Maybe you can show her this post and what our pastor advised us to do? It works! I promise it really works if both partners are willing to open up and explain exactly what is going on in their minds. I wish you the very best!!! 🙏🏻