Bit of context: Let’s call my ex Tod (M 30) (not real name). Tod and I (F 40) have dated for about 5 years on/off. We started out as best friends and things were good but then went south 7 months into the relationship. I later learned it was due to a misunderstanding from a discussion we had and other problems Tod had in his life. There was a lot of trauma and abuse I faced in my relationship with him. I held out as long as I did cause I thought he would change. I thought my best friend who I fell in love with was still there somewhere. When not dating, Tod and I were good as friends. Yet, if there was something bad going on in his life, I ended up being his target. Safe to say that even a friendship was hard. Finally I decided to move on and eventually I met my husband (M 42).
My husband and I have a healthy relationship. Sure there are some issues with communication, but it’s something we are seeking therapy for. In the beginning, one of our biggest issues involved Tod. At first I thought I moved on from him, but when I faced challenging situations, rather then discuss it with my husband, I turned to Tod. This didn’t happen all the time. At least once a year for the for the past couple of years. Each time I’d reach out to him. We’d talk for a couple of days, reminisce about our time together, flirt a little…but it would never amount to anything more. There was never any talk about sex. Eventually I’d snap out of it and realize that having ANY relationship with Tod was not a good idea. So last year was the last time I reached out to him and I thought that everything was going to be alright. Especially when I started therapy to get to the bottom of why I was so attached to him ( I learned around that time that I have ADHD and that I’m on the Autism Spectrum. I have always had attachment issues, so I don’t know if it stems from that).
This morning I woke up from a dream I had about Tod and it left me feeling anxious. I had this tight feeling in my chest. I wanted to know if he was ok, but I don’t have any of his contact info since I cut him out of my life. We both even promised that if something really bad were to happen to him, that he could reach out to me (there was a time when something bad did happen to him and he wanted to reach out to me but didn’t. I figured for good faith, that it’d be fair to hear him out if he were in trouble). I did reach out to a mutual friend today and he said that Tod was ok. Still, that weird gut feeling persisted. I bothers me cause I made a lot of progress over the past year and I don’t want to waste those efforts. I’m honestly at a lost.
Ps. To those who may wonder how my relationship with my husband is with all of this going on? Surprisingly well. In the beginning he expressed he didn’t have any issues with me still bring friends with my ex, however if it was bothering me, it’s best not to pursue that relationship. I’ve always been open to him so he knows my past relationship history. He’s always been supportive. Just that last year, he did show signs that he was a bit bothered. That’s one of the main reasons I vowed to myself not to contact Tod anymore.
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TL;DR! – Had a weird dream about my ex and I’m concerned if he’s doing well. Contacting him would set back my progress of moving on from him and may cause damage to my marriage. What do I do??
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5 comments
Dreams aren’t important and don’t mean anything. Don’t throw away the progress you’ve made in therapy for nothing.
>Yet, if there was something bad going on in his life, I ended up being his target.
I’m not a doctor and this is a complete shot in the dark here, but are you feeling a strong desire to make sure Tod is okay because you’ve been conditioned in the past to believe that when he’s not doing okay, bad things happen to you?
Ask your husband to contact him if you’re concerned.
Do not contact him.
Abusers utilize many methods to keep their victims attached. This is absolutely something to talk about with your therapist. Ask them about patterns of abuse and the ongoing trauma victims suffer. Ask about what pitfalls to look out for and perhaps some mental exercises to help you resist the temptation of falling back into old patterns.
It’s not easy and you have my wholehearted sympathy. Keeping contact with Tod is something he has ingrained in you as a method of self-preservation. All victims desperately try to keep their abuser happy, because the consequences are so much worse if they don’t. I also suspect the huge highs and lows involved with the Cycle of Abuse, and possible Lovebombing (google these terms), keep you emotionally hooked.
That said, I think you need to be honest with yourself.
You are sporadically engaging in an emotional affair with Tod. You are flirting with a man who is not your husband, without your husband’s consent. You are divulging a degree of information that is generally reserved for your spouse, with someone else. You are also sharing emotions and have given another man a level of emotional intimacy, which should be only shown to your husband.
The whys will be complicated, as well as the emotions, but at the end of the day, you *have* to end all association with Tod, if you love your husband and value your marriage. Emotional infidelity is as real and harmful as physical. I think you know that. The only reason this is *at all* excusable is because your judgement is compromised.
Which is all the more reason not to contact Tod.
Finally, you might want to read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. There are free pdf versions available. This might help you shed some light on abusive relationships.
Go no contact. Talk to your therapist. This is not irretrievable yet, but you have to start making strides forward.
>Had a weird dream about my ex and I’m concerned if he’s doing well. Contacting him would set back my progress of moving on from him and may cause damage to my marriage. What do I do??
You have already confirmed that he is fine.
DO NOT contact him, there is no reason to do so, your dream means nothing, forget about it.