My wife has expressed she needed some space. It has been a month now. She tells me she wants to be by herself and stuff. She wants to do her. I have told her i think it would be a lot easier and would think the best thing to help her is for me to go live somewhere else until she wants me back or something. She doesn’t want me to do that. She doesn’t think she can take care of the kids all by herself. I love my wife with everything in me. It was the hardest decision to even come to terms of what I think is to “let her go”. We have been arguing a lot more lately due to financial issues and infidelity of looking at other women in the past. I get it i crossed boundaries. I want this to work more than anything. I’m scared if I am to be honest. I don’t want to lose my wife. That would break my kids hearts as well. What should I do? Should I still go try and stay somewhere for a while? I reason I feel would make it better for her because she isn’t happy at all it seems and it feels like when I am around, she is annoyed that I’m around. It would definitely give her even more space that she was asking for. Idk what to do. She says she wants to be friends, she wants to do her and be by herself, but doesn’t want me to go anywhere at the moment. Says we can help each other out and live together still. Thank you anyone that reads this.
36 comments
I mean….I’m not sure what advice there is to give. She’s not interested in a relationship anymore so you either accept that or you move out. Either way you’re going to have to help raise kids together.
Accept things may never go back or leave. Divorce hurts children less than parents that can’t stand eachother.. if you leave you need to make it clear she won’t be taking care of the children alone
Leaving together, but not in a relationship is a dream not a reality. She wants the romantic relationship to end, but is not ready to let you go. And she still needs you to coparent and to give your financial support.
Have a conversation with her and explain that what she’s doing is not okay, if she wants to end the relationship with you she has to said that, because at this point she’s giving you hope that this situation is fixable.
I don’t think this is really a fair situation here. She wants her freedom with you staying for the kids? That won’t work if both partners don’t want the same.
Few things here…
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>infidelity of looking at other women in the past. I get it i crossed boundaries.
Looking at other women? If that is infidelity someone should arrest me for thinking it would be easy to steal a car.
>I don’t want to lose my wife.
You already lost her. Sorry.
>That would break my kids hearts as well.
Kids see way more than you think. A decent divorce is better than a cold home.
I can only say, in your shoes, I would prepare divorce plans.
She wants you to help her, until she finds your replacement 🤷🏾♂️
Yeah the first time she brings a guy home you’ll lose it so better off not being there.
Please see a lawyer and see what you need to do to protect your interests.
You will both need to co-parent together so keep it civil.
Don’t leave the house until you’ve seen a lawyer.
You need to move out and legally separate with a plan for divorce on the table. You can work out a co-parenting and spousal/child support plan as part of the separation. She can have breaks when you have the kids.
I’m sorry to be yet another voice saying this, but she’s already left you. Chances are also looking good for her already being in a relationship. You can try to reconcile during the physical and legal separation but I wouldn’t plan on it working.
Dude. She doesn’t want you. Why would you just wait around to see if she wants you back or something? That’s just nuts. See a lawyer and file for legal separation. If she can’t handle the kids on her own, it’s obvious they should be with you. And she should be with whomever she is with right now.
So, you admitted there were problems with you paying more attention to other women that you did your wife. Maybe that’s why your wife feels the way she does. If a man truly loves his wife he doesn’t do that shit.
Have you considered that it might not be handling the kids that she’s worried about? Maybe it’s more that she’s worried if her husband wasn’t living under the same roof as her and he’d probably cheat on her.
She can’t have her cake and eat it too! She wants space but doesn’t want your to move out. She wants to do her, but doesn’t want your around. She doesn’t think she can care for her children alone, then she can be the one to leave, or take them with you. It’s unfair to them though if she makes you uproot them.
This is a lose-lose situation dude. She wants to stay around because you provide financial stability right now and can help her with the kids while living together, but she doesn’t want to be with you. She’s waiting for something better to come along, while string you along too.
I’m not sure what the bigger red flag is here the “infidelity of looking at other women in the past” or that he cranked out 2 kids with her before her 25th birthday but yeah idk it’s not like she can stop you from divorcing her
>She says she wants to be friends, she wants to do her and be by herself, but doesn’t want me to go anywhere at the moment.
Yeah, no. That’s what we call: having your cake and eating it too. She can “be herself” and “do her thing” WHILE being in a relationship, those two things in no way cancel each other out. What she *truly* wants, is to be single but with all the convenience and safety of a relationship, which is a shitty deal for you and I would not accept it. She either works on the relationship, and you stay, or she wants out and she can’t expect you to not move on. That is selfish to the max. Sounds like she is in this limbo in which she doesn’t want you anymore, but just leaving outright is too scary. Do not get stuck in the limbo: it’s either, or. She is not interested in working on it, so you need to rip the bandaid off and get out.
I’m really sorry. Losing a relationship is painful in itself, and the fact that she is making it confusing and blurs the lines only makes it worse.
She wants the benefits of marriage while getting to live her life like she isn’t married. If that’s not what you want, don’t go along with it. She wants out? She can leave.
It sounds like your wife doesn’t want you but she wants the benefits of having a partner. This sounds like a toxic situation and you guys need to pull the plug and go live separate lives. You should make sure to take the kids half the time and make sure the support is equal. She needs to be okay with being uncomfortable while she gets into her new normal.
Why on earth would YOU leave? She is the one saying she wants to be friends. She can be your friend from across town in her new place. Oh and obviously if your no longer husband and wife, this means you are free to date other women.
You say you looked at women online for a split second and she considers that cheating? This feels like missing reasons.
Get a lawyer and get the divorce over with.
Leave. Your marriage sounds over. You say you love your wife? Yet clearly you cheated! You’ve destroyed your marriage yourself.
If i was your wife? You’d be gone already. Sounds like the only reason you’re still there is because she’s worriee about lioking after the kids on her own. Thats no reason in my world, to stay with a cheater.
If SHE is the cheater? Have some pride in yourself and leave. Same as above just for you not her.
Share custody of kids. It’s not that hard. Happens every day all over the world.
Obviously you’re not listening to her. She wants time to herself meaning she wants to leave the house, be on her own, and not be responsible for the kids. She’s basically quitting till she’s ready to come back if that ever happens. Maybe she wants to go cheat since you’ve admitted to some infidelity on your part. Maybe she’s just burned out? I mean do you ever actually help her with your kids? Does she do everything 100%? Do you come home and not do anything but sit down and expect her to wait on you and take care of the kids? I mean none of that is really discussed from what I can tell. So you two obviously need counseling. So you need to step up, man up, and take care of your kids yourself. Let Her Go. Tell her you wanted to do couples counseling as well. Figure it out and walk a mile in her shoes if she has been the one doing all the child care. At Age 24 that’s a lot of responsibility.
Does seem like she’s contradicting herself she wants to be on her own but she doesn’t want you to leave. Meaning she still wants you there to help with the kids and do all that assuming like I said you do help with the kids. But sounds like she wants to end the marriage but still cohabitate as roommates.
I love the “I don’t want to be with you, but you can’t move out because I’m an incapable parent.”
Talk about having your cake and eating it too. OP, just move out and file for divorce. Let her move back in with her mom if she can’t handle solo parenting 50/50.
Honestly man, sounds like she has checked out from your infidelity. Taking a break and wanting space is really only to hook up with others. Actual couples don’t take breaks, if there’s an issue they talk about it and work through it. Needing space isn’t doing either of that, it’s just avoiding the issue.
Based on how she’s acting, she wants to be single but wants the luxury of having finances and child obligations as a couple, doesn’t work that way.
What I would do is ask her flat out if she wants a divorce. She either talk to you and come to an agreement on how to fix whatever the issue(s) is/are and maybe go to counseling or if she is refusing to work through it, then say divorce. Kids aren’t dumb, they are very perceptive and intuitive and will see that parents live together but don’t love each other and miserable. That does more damage to their development than being in a two house situation and plenty of studies have shown that
My sister inlaw did this to my brother….it turned out she was already cheating on him. But she too couldn’t take care of the kids by herself….so she strong him along. Then screwed him over big time….rented their house out without even telling him. He moved out with the girls….and she sees them when she makes the time.
So many missing missing reasons in this post
This kind of arrangement requires a fairly specific headspace/relationship and I don’t think you have that. If you were on good terms and neither of you were hoping to get back together, it could have a chance, but what’s happening now is just signing up for misery, and that misery WILL have an effect on your children.
You could always try sharing the home but rotating who is there with the children. That way you have space and a break at times. Couples counseling if you want to fix this because you broke her trust. She’s hurt and trying to figure out life.
You can’t force somebody to want to stay in a relationship with you. You just have to accept things the way they are and take care of your kids to your best ability no matter the circumstances.
Dude stop lying. There is now way she wants to cut you off for looking for a split second. You cheated on your wife and now she doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you . But she does want to continue to live together for now to co-patent your kids together. I think that’s reasonable for now but not a permanent solution. I bet the kids are young and thus why she needs/wants your help more now. You claim you being a cheat doesn’t affect you being a good parent then why don’t you prove it.
If it isn’t the consequences of your own actions….
You keep saying she is scared to be alone with the kids. How old is the youngest? Are you sure she doesn’t have postpartum depression?
When you sis both get together? How old are the kids, how many?
She married very very young, and this could be one of the consequences of she losing what being young means.
Hey OP,
I saw quite a few of your comments. You should edit your post to define ‘looking’.
For those that haven’t seen his comments, he hasn’t done anything like Instagram fan boy scenarios, Only Fans, etc. We are talking the normal walking down the street casual glance at an attractive person. That’s it!
She’s done a number on him for being a normal human being.
Someone else also asked about the age of his youngest, which is 1.5 years. So, he might be dealing with a woman suffering from postpartum depression. If so, she is viewing the situation from a distorted lens.
So, it isn’t clear if he is dealing with PPD wife or the general run of the mill toxic relationship.
So with all the new info, ask her to talk to her doctor about PPD first and see if that doesn’t help matters.
OP, talk with your therapist regarding the true nature of your ‘looking’ which is perfectly normal and not ‘cheating’. Also raise the possibility of your wife having PPD. Ask for their advice on both scenarios to help you pinpoint what they think the truth of the matter is.
If it is toxic, ask her to leave and you get physical custody of the kids. Her fear of not being able to handle them by herself leans towards PPD as the cause which would perhaps eliminate the need for her to leave immediately.
So as you try to sort out whether it is toxic or PPD, sleep in separate bedrooms, set up individual ‘me’ times, pick up more of the emotional work load to see if that alleviates her angst, and put a time limit (3 months, 6 months, etc.) for a re-evaluation period on whether to stay together or pull the plug.
So hugs and good luck.
Looking at other women or a pornography addiction? Pornography is adultery according to Jesus.
Were you “looking” or were you staring?
Important difference
“Looking at women in the past”
Did you mean: searching them up online, repeatedly?
Maybe jerking off to their revealing pictures?
A woman is not going to ruin her marriage just because her man is “looking” at women from the past.
The real question: why did you feel the need to search up women from your past? Do you want to cheat on your wife?
Be real.
People should think twice before having kids.
It’s a huge responsibility n obligation. You can’t just walk away for a holiday
What?
No
You can co-parent and **not** live together
Don’t let her do this on her terms, only