I can’t figure this out and I’m at my limit. We both enjoy when we do have sex but my issue is the frequency. On average, it’s about 4-6 weeks with some outliers here and there. When I read posts here, majority of couples are able to achieve once a week. How do I get my partner and I to that point? In the past, I would initiate multiple times and be denied 99% of the time. After years of this, I gave up and just waited until she would initiate. When she initiates, I’ll deny it 1% of the time. Call me desperate or whatever. It’s demoralizing. We have 2 kids, both under 4 years old, but I feel we still make time for us. We play games together daily (recently Baldurs Gate 3) but it seems she’s never in the mood to be intimate with me.
Advice?
43 comments
You have sex often together by valuing that together. It sounds like you two break down there.
If she’s turning you down, there’s a reason. The most obvious target would be kids, who soak up a ton of energy you’d otherwise use for sex: that can make a person feel used up with no personal boundaries and to really value the space between her ears without somebody needing something from her.
Getting her back to a sex-brain from there is going to start with recognizing that kids take hostage our sense of ourselves as sexual beings.
Edits: grammar, style, general loveliness and felicity.
Children are exhausting. Children under 5 are energy vampires. Hire a babysitter once a week, take her out to a nice dinner and (if you can afford it) stay over at a hotel. If she falls asleep, let her. I can almost guarantee you that she will be less tired and more interested if she just gets a break every now and then.
(If you can afford to throw more money at the problem, hire a cleaner, pay someone to do your laundry at the laundromat, and outsource as many other household tasks as you can manage.)
Perhaps start by just having some proper intimate time i.e you both reconnecting not by playing games. Focus on being with each with hand holding and hugging and kissing. Be present in that moment and things will gradually become intimate again. Me and my wife do this as the last thing before we go sleep every night we have a good heart to heart and talk and just enjoy each others company. It doesn’t always lead to sex but it is nice to be intimate like this. And before you ask we have a child so we know your pain. This is what works for us so hopefully it can help you
A common complaint of moms with young kids is being “touched out”. I know I felt that way. At the end of the day when the kids were in bed, I just needed to not be needed and have some space.
It’s tough. I know I had a lot of guilt when it came to intimacy with my husband but it was like one more thing I had to do for someone else.
It does get better.
Make a time machine and go back and un-have those kids.
Generally sex goes down when people have kids.
It sounds like there’s a serious lack of communication and intimacy in your relationship, and it’s important to address this issue with your partner directly rather than resorting to game-playing or passive-aggressive behavior.
How much of the mental load is she carrying? you could he a good dad but if shes still the one in charge of their school, doctor, dentist appts etc, making lunches, supervising their daily routine, then you’re leaving a lot of responsibility at her door when you head off to work. Work is hard, but it’s a totally different species of hard compared to being completely responsible for other humans.
Do you take initiative around the house? Do you do your fair share of home admin, not just the odd tidy up or dinner, but paperwork etc too? Or would you say that she does a fair amount of looking after you as well?
Making time to play games together is great an all, but it’s not actually technically time off for her. It may actually feel like another box she has to tick to keep you happy. Are there ever any days where you take full responsibility for the kids? Or if she goes out, does she make sure they are fed and clothed first?
Do not underestimate how tiring and how much of a brain suck it is being the ‘designated parent in charge’ of kids, especially young kids. I’d bet the mortgage on this being the main part of the issue.
Also dont underestimate the toll that having kids has on a woman. The loss of privacy, identity, potential. Subconsciously, intimacy must lose a lot of appeal if you know it can lead to another pregnancy if you are already struggling to have any sort of life outside children. Seriously, what’s in it for her? No really, ask yourself – To you it might be all closeness and fun, to her it might be another expected chore laced with the risk of another pregnancy.
If you are presenting as another job on her list then you will find yourself representing a major turn off.
If you are fully taking the partnership seriously and making sure that your wife has regular, and genuine time away from the kids, and yourself, without having to either prep for that,or pick up the slack when she gets home, you will have more ‘luck’ I assure you.
Also, dont be tempted to step up your participation simply in order to get more sex, she will know, trust me, and that’s also a huge turn off.
Instead, take the expectations off the table for a while and see what you can do to make things a little more comfortable for her. Give her a genuine, honest break because you want to see her smiling, not because you want payback.
If you are already the perfect husband and father, then counselling might be needed to examine what’s up, but I’d bet my pension on her just being an exhausted human.
So you make an effort to make her feel desired as more than just a hole for you to plug? Things get really rough for work when we have to adjust to our post baby bodies, leaking boobs, stretch marks, etc. When we are treated like it was a sexual inconvenience to sacrifice our bodies? It doesn’t exactly put us in the mood. Don’t forget the value of snuggling, foreplay, a healthy diet, spending quality time together. Doing a load of dishes, rubbing her back or feet, and then lightly growling into her ear, “do you have any idea how sexy you are?” Can make a world of difference.
Odds are it will get better when your kids get a little older. Having 2 kids under 5 is an absolute killer to the love life.
BOTH kids are under 4????? It’s very normal and reasonable for her to not want it more than 1 time a week you should consider yourself lucky it’s not once a month.
Im surprised more men don’t do research before having kids cause if they did they would know this will happen and that it’s perfectly normal.
Men’s reproductive cycle starts over every 24 HOURS. Women’s??? It takes 24 DAYS to start a new one! That means our bodies are working non stop doing all kinds of different things during that time frame which is why we’re tired all the damn time and only feel normal one or two weeks per month. Also, since men’s cycles only last a day it’s significantly easier for them to wake up early and go to work than it is for women as women go through 4 different phases of hormone fluctuations and the constant changes fatigue the hell out of our bodies. Add multiple young children to the equation? You should just learn to appreciate your wife for everything she is. She’s not a horny teenager anymore she’s a grown ass queen. Personally after having kids I’m only horny while I’m ovulating (the time two weeks before our period when we’re most fertile).
I’m a stay at home mom (26F ) and my husband works very hard (34 M) and we have sex averaging twice a week. We have to schedule it because we have 3 kids ages, 6, 4, and 2. We hype each other up throughout the day, make small advances when the kids are awake, and sometimes it ends in us just falling asleep out of pure exhaustion. You have to want it together. It’s okay to schedule when your kids are young, other wise I feel like we would never have it. If you aren’t already help your wife, do dishes, put kids to bed, not just for the nights you want it, just help. My husband helps so much even though he works hard at work and it makes it so easy to melt into it.
Do you do social, emotional and physical flirting that doesn’t lead directly to sex? Walk past, give her a hug, peck the neck, maybe a sly handful and walk away? The stuff you did PRIOR to marriage? You play games together? Maybe stop. Has she turned into a “friend” instead of a “spouse”? If you’re not actively courting her outside of the bed, you’ll never get to the bed. (Married 16 years. 10 year old Daughter for reference.) Now if you are, and she’s still just meh., have her talk to her doctor. And if all 3 doesn’t work, talk to a therapist to figure out what happened.
(Pro Tip: Can you give a massage without trying to get her naked for happy fun time? If you can’t, try to.)
The first thing is you need better communication. She should realize that just telling you no over and over is hurting your relationship.
The next thing to think about is, are you attractive to her? Most women are not going to think a couch potato is a sexy beast, are you working on yourself to remain somebody she wants? Is she doing the same?
Lastly, you have to romance her a bit. Women are funny, just looking her in the eye and asking “Can I get it in?” is not the smooth pickup line she’d like to hear from you. I generally start rizzing my wife shortly after she gets her morning coffee and try to slowly build the sexual tension through the day. We’re roughly twice your age and we do it pretty much every other day. Women are unique individuals however I often take a moment to tell her what I have planned for her that night. Just a quick line and then leave her wondering what else I’m thinking. Over the course of the day, I’ll flesh out my plans in a series of short, single-line exchanges with her that encourage her to imagine what we might do. Generally, by the time we’re ready to get into bed, she’s already got a fantasy in her head and she’s very much interested.
I was told a long time ago men fall in love through their eyes and women fall in love through their ears. It seems to be true
Good luck, it’s very much worth the effort
PS: We have 7 kids. If this approach didn’t work with her even when we had small children, we would never have had so many of them. Yes, she may be tired, kids are a huge time sump but you can always tell her, don’t worry, I’m going to tie you up, all you’ll have to do is lay there and take it. See what a nice guy I am? I’m always thinking of you, baby… and then walk away and let her think about what you said.
Blame the kids. they can take energy and time, especially the mothers. My friends told me they have to schedule dates that include sex because children are major cock blockers. lol. Make sure that one of those dates should be a whole day , just the two of you. There, you realize how much your children take your energy and time.
These are usually no win situations. Basically everyone’s going to tell you to roll out the red carpet give her flowers do the dishes take care of the kids basically beg for sex through actions. And frankly it’s ridiculous.
When you get married I believe it’s a contract. You both have to keep up your end of the bargain and on the male side of the relationship sex is usually a big deal. Much of the time women aren’t as interested in it.
You tell her the lack of intimacy is really putting a strain on your side of the relationship. You go to a sex counselor and see what you need to get interest going again. I firmly don’t believe I should have to be the slave in the household in order to get your wife to want to have sex with you again. As long as you’re a good husband and do your part sex should absolutely be part of the equation.
And if counseling doesn’t work then you have to decide if you’re okay with things the way they are. But it’s absolutely okay to divorce someone because they don’t want to have regular sex with you.
Seriously
Keep your excersize routine consistent. Like cardio.
And sleep.
Take little vacations when you can. Recharge your batteries.
Eat right.
Treat sex as a hobby. Can’t be bothered to explain, just watch the talk “Revamp your sex life in 6 minutes” by Ruth Ramsay. Those are some great ideas.
I’ve been married 22, almost 23 years. Together almost 28. I’m 58, my husband is 63. We normally have sex twice a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, but rarely. .
There was a point when our kids were young when stress, financial pressure, and flat out exhaustion almost killed our sex life completely (weeks and even months with nothing), and we finally sought couples counseling and we learned a few things.
We had fallen into a routine that didn’t include real intimacy.. the kind of touching, kissing, and connecting you do early in a relationship. I thought my husband was being lazy about sex (no real foreplay), he thought I was uninterested (not true, I was just not interested if he wasn’t interested in getting me where I needed to be to WANT it).
We talked, set aside an hour a night that was just about connecting and communicating, and both of us were clear that no sex or intimacy was a deal breaker for both of us.
Life still happens sometimes, and it has ebbed and flowed over the years, but I don’t think we’ve gone more than 10 days without sex since, unless one of us is traveling. Keeping intimacy alive in a marriage is about way more than sex.
Car battery and nipple-clamps.
Easy. Help with chores and help with the kids more. Definitely help he if you hear her being on a verge of a break down due to the kids. If my hubby did this, I would be all over him. I’ll buy cute clothes just to seduce him myself 🤣
If you already help out, have you tried talking to her? Maybe there are external issues doing on. Like work stress? Find out what is going on.
Little kids are hard. You have to make time, date nights/days, planning on sex days if need be. Routine makes for more routine.
Not married but been together five years. I guess, we do go through phases of dry spells, but it’s always an outside influence like stress at work or family stress. But it’s never more than a month then we’re back at 2/3x a week. We both enjoy sex and enjoy different dynamics, kinks, positions, toys, he’s always introducing something different and fun to do. How’s intimacy outside the bedroom? I know you play games together but I mean, cuddling, hand holding, kissing, making out.
Right so you game together that’s it? As fun as gaming is, it is not romantic. Small children are tiring. You need to book a babysitter, have more date nights out. Make her feel sexy, not tired, not mommy, not s3x bing another chore.
Also – babysit so she can go get hair done, nails, gym, whatever her ‘me thing’ is.
What s3x toys does she have… find out the most popular one she doesn’t have and surprise her with it. Do you have subdued lighting in your room? Think dim-able pink salt lamp to set the mood.
For women, s3x starts in the brain. Sorry, stripping and d*ck pics really are not the answer for most women, it’s the build up, feeling s3xy, feeling our partner finds us beautiful – that is the start.
I’m wondering if you talked to her? I don’t think once a week is unreasonable but I’m also not sure how busy your guys lives are. You need to understand what her barriers to sex once a week are. It sounds like video games are one barrier that she has and with kids I don’t think video games daily is healthy. No offense but that sounds like an addiction. Also I’d mention how being turned down 99% of the time makes you feel and ask her when she would prefer to have sex so you can have an idea of when an appropriate time to make a move on her might be. I prefer morning sex and my husband is an evening sex person so that makes it difficult for us sometimes but him understanding this has helped him at least get it on weekends when we are both home in the morning.
Edit: how do we keep our sex life going: communication. I’m assuming you both want to make your partner feel loved take the love languages quiz read the book and both need to make an effort to fill each others cups. There is also a love language app and you can track how loved your partner feels each day and them vise versa.
It’s all about priorities. If it’s important you both will make the time for intimacy. If it’s only important to one of you well Good Luck.
Fuck that, you need to fuck. Tell her it’s nowhere near often enough and you might have to consider breaking up
I hated sex at bedtime. When I went to bed, I’d fall asleep immediately. We finally figured out sex after a few hours of sleeping or just before the alarm went off worked best for us. And what is her love language?
Try this:
Think of foreplay as an all day activity. Send some sexy little text messages throughout the day. Make sure your physically affectionate when you get home and see each other. Lots of hugs, a kiss or two, maybe some shoulder rubs.
Make sure you talk to her like she is a sexy woman, not a just a mom or wife. Make sure you actually let her know how turned on she makes you. Let her know that you’ve given it some thought and you thought she needed some new lingerie, or a toy, or whatever…
The point of this is to NOT appear to be one of those couples where there’s no affection throughout the day and then suddenly they get into bed and one of them just to fuck. That’s not a good feeling for the other partner. You don’t feel like your partner just wants to “get off”. You want to feel like your partner craves YOUR BODY
Maybe you are both going at it the wrong way. I am not a video gamer, but from what you say here I am not thinking that playing video games with your wife is that sexy for either of you. Maybe both of you are feeling that strain. I would try a crazy idea called talking to her and finding out what turns her on. This might be easier to fix than you think. I bet you are both great people and just need to talk this through.
Yeah maybe not. Stop playing games and have sex
At 2 and 4, it’s exhausting to be a mother whether she stays at home or works. I’d give it some time and remember that intimacy isn’t only sex. Touching, cuddling, are all intimate. No pressure. Pressure will only worsen the problem, I promise.
A lot of times is the intimacy that is lacking, meaning not enough of it. Not all but most men think that if I touch her boob she ready and it’s not the case.
Women love to be touched but not overly sexualized if you get my meaning. Think Sensual
We love to kiss and cuddle and talk.
We love being treated special
as time passes the things we used to do to get them we stop because we got them.
Remember that she is doing 10,000 things that you probably didn’t know she has done for the kids,house, finances and is probably tired. Appreciation is key
Rub her feet every once in a while.
Give her a massage and I don’t mean a 5 minute massage to get some an actual massage.
You will see a difference I promise.
Do something nice for her, buy her food she likes, presents she likes, prepare a surprise day out somewhere nice. Keep the romance going, then the sex will follow.
And as someone else mentioned, start with cuddles, small kisses on her face, neck.
Also, I don’t know if this advice is needed, but take care of yourself, try to stay fit, smell well and dress well.
Have you tried buying her flowers? And just being and doing little acts of kindness (not expecting sex afterwards) just to make her feel special?
Do you have your own space in your room where you just chat together free from Tv and phones? Do you go on dates? Do you have a laugh together?
Not married but one of my favourite things to do is hunt online for different things to do.
Sex is not just about the intimacy. Its the bond and trust, u have for each other. Other than play video games. Do some other activities, gym? Walks?
Picnics, like go on a date. Explore each other hobbies. Once the lovely feeling comes, then sex will proceed.
Go to the gym – eat health stay in shape
Go away – be scarce sometimes
Be unique – develop a hobby that makes you attractive
Touch her butt/ and kiss her – this is not based on expectation of sex but is just a playful gift of affection
Have fun together- sex should not be a chore or requirement of her as your wife but an extension of your already fun and sexual relationship
I am 37 with two kids and a man- I know how hard it can be! Trust me! But this does work especially staying in shape
You put away the utter rubbish you read on socials, you lose your inhibitions, she is your wife after all, and you be the people you each fell in love with 6 years ago. And stay that way. Don’t let there be any outside access or influence. Good luck.
“Majority of couples are able to achieve once a week.”
Reddit comments aren’t necessarily reliable data points, plus everyone’s situation is different. Kids can drain your sexual lifeblood, and create a psychological barrier to intimacy. Wife and I have been married 16 years, and have been on a roller coaster of sex frequency, ranging from 2-3 times a week when the kids were toddlers, to once every couple of months when the kids are in their teenage years and struggling with life. We’ve had our own relationship and personal struggles as well. I guess my point is: take a deep breath, take care of your physical and mental health, and find a venue to openly discuss your needs in the relationship, whether on a casual date or in a therapists office (we’ve done both cause intimacy can be really difficult to talk about). Hell, lately we’ve been openly venting to each other about how horny we are but can’t do anything about it due to the constant efforts of caring for a special needs child. We’ve resorted to parking in a secluded area and fucking in the back seat on our Saturday brunch dates. Seems to be working, for now at least 🤷🏼♂️. Find a way to talk openly about your needs and you will figure it out.
You f*** other people.
Takes effort on both sides mate.
You have young children. It’s very common for a couple to have much less frequent sex while they have small kids; it doesn’t mean that will always be the case. Once a week is not the norm in that case, I reckon – not judging by my friends who have kids, anyway!
Read this book and watch this clip (and look into it further).
The book is Not just another “how to” book, it is The Best one out there!!!!
Book:
Love Worth Making How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship
By: Stephen Snyder, MD.
Clip: (Disclaimer – I don’t like either of these men in the clip, or their content. There are far better sources and more qualified professionals to learn from, on this topic. I just recently came across this clip, and the point that is made sums up the issue pretty well… I would research it more, from more reputable sources).
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8DeKopc/