My (28F) partner (27F) have been together for four years. Recently I feel as though they have been dismissive and selfish towards my needs but it is so subtle I don’t know if I am being stupid.
I have a history of mental health issues including depression addiction and anxiety causing previous bouts of agoraphobia and not being able to leave the house. I am medicated and a lot better these days although sometimes struggle to do things on my own. This was at its worst before I met my partner so they have not seen me extremely unwell mentally but have definitely seen me struggle at points. In the past when I have felt extremely anxious and avoidant for example not feeling able to do a food shop on my own or want someone to accompany me to do an errand due to feeling very anxious my partner has at times been quite dismissive like oh you’ll be fine I’m not coming with you. Before this has made me feel very dismissed and unheard but then again thought maybe they just don’t understand how I’m feeling.
So recently I have been struggling with some chronic health issues following a virus. It’s been extremely frustrating as I have been dealing with a lot of fatigue among other issues. Simultaneously my partner has began complaining about anxiety and having daily panic attacks. Now it is not that I don’t believe they are anxious I just have never seen them have a panic attack whatsoever. It’s almost always when I’m not there. My experience of panic attacks is an extremely debilitating full body experience which is extremely apparent to people around me when it is happening. I think my partner might be confusing feeling very anxious with a panic attack and to me those things are quite different. Their descriptions of how they feel have made me dubious about whether this is happening at all or to the level they are describing it. Regardless of feeling as though it might not be that bad I have been extremely supportive and felt as though I have tried to really be a good partner to them through this rough patch. However I am slightly annoyed as it feels as though they did not offer me the same support in the past.
The main resentment for me is that I feel as though whenever I mention that I am not feeling well or am struggling with exhaustion suddenly they will say they feel anxious even if earlier they had not said that or acted as such. I feel as though it’s becoming a way to sort of withdraw support for me in that moment or turn it so I have to become the caretaker. I thought I was imagining it but it happens almost every time I mention a symptom of my chronic health issues or if I mention feeling run down at all.
They have recently started therapy and one element of their anxiety is health anxiety (something I do not doubt) however they recently sat me down and said that they believe I have health anxiety and that maybe my symptoms are all in my head. I was obviously offended by this because I know that I have been unwell and it made me feel as though they do not believe me. She since apologised as she knew it upset me and made me feel dismissed.
However now after another therapy session have said that the can’t always support me and that they can’t take in all my stuff when they are feeling like this and they sometimes need space when I am not feeling well. I just said okay I get it but it left me feeling really angry. I feel as though I always put aside my feelings and prioritise them, support them even when I do feel like shit. It’s almost as if how I feel she is behaving (turning things on her , not holding space for me) is being turned on me and she is accusing me of being selfish.
I am beginning to feel resentful and like they are being quite selfish but I don’t know how to approach the situation.
TDLR
-I have chronic health issues at the moment and my partner has accused me of having health anxiety rather than physical issues.
-suddenly my partner is having panic attacks and is claiming they are anxious or panicky every time I am not feeling well.
4 comments
It’s bullshit that you doubt that your partner has panic attacks because they don’t look like yours. Plain bullshit. Not everyone’s anxiety will look like yours, and dismissing your partner’s because it is inconvenient to you is bullshit, too. It sounds like your partner has health anxiety likely due to the stress of being part of your care. It’s insane that you expect apologies for feeling dismissed but are absolutely dismissing them in the same breath.
If you aren’t able to meet one another’s needs, end the relationship.
But stop trying to create a hierarchy about whose issues are worse, and who is “deserving” of support right now. You are not the same people. You do not have the same needs or the same capacities or the same tolerances. Your panic will not look the same.
You *know* this. You *should know* this about yourself. It’s true of others as well, and this fact still needs to respected even when you are unhappy with them.
People cannot always support you the exact way you want to be supported, in the moment you need it. You cannot do that for her, and she cannot do that for you. That doesn’t make people evil, or failures. That makes them different, and possibly, incompatible.
Your partner is clearly telling you they need to space from your anxieties to manage their own. Your own observations here should be supporting that. You are describing your partner as worsening, probably approaching a crisis. She cannot give you what you resenting her for not giving you. She’s telling you so.
So right now they might be trying to practice a very healthy and very important kind of ‘selfishness’, where they are not offering you what they do not have to give without causing themselves intolerable suffering.
You absolutely need to find a place to respect that, or you need to end this relationship.
I understand this can be hurtful, and you don’t need to agree with their every thought, but recognize your partner is telling you there are very real problems in need of real solutions in the relationship. Their caregiver role is harming them, and they need space away from it.
You should be asking yourself how you would address your own limitations if they were not present, and using some of those strategies actively out of respect for the limitations they are expressing to you.
It sounds like in addition to you both going to therapy separately, you would benefit by going to couples counseling to learn how to communicate with each other. Being a person’s sole carer is exhausting, you need to listen when your partner tells you they can’t handle anymore and not dismiss them because their anxiety doesn’t look like yours.
You also mention medication so I assume you are in therapy. Does your therapist help you with coping skills that don’t include relying on your partner? It’s not entirely fair to force someone to always manage your mental health as well as their own.
The issue is that you are both in need of a lot of care and attention and you both have very little bandwidth to provide that. Maybe you should manage your health issues individually until you work through this power struggle you’re having in the relationship