Little background here: my (30M) husband and (30F) I have been together since we were 19. We have a 3 year old daughter and are generally pretty happy- we have a lot of common interests, show kindness and respect toward each other when problems arise, and I would say still have that “spark” (outside of this issue, obviously).
So last summer, I turned 30 and took it upon myself to really dive into my mental health like I never had before. I went to therapy and acknowledged and released a lot of burdens I had been carrying around since childhood, lost a good amount of weight, and kinda generally bounced back since having my daughter.
Although these are all happy changes, my libido also really came into my own and I became interested in putting more energy into my husband and I’s sex life and began to really love and appreciate him in a new way. I expressed these desires to him and he could see that I was going through an evolution. I think a big part of being with someone since such a young age is seeing and moving with these many evolutions, and up until now we have been really successful there. I could tell when I talked to him about intimacy, it made him really uncomfortable, so after a while I backed off.
Well, it’s been a few months now and although we have still been having sex, he now is having ED issues that he never had before. It’s not all the time, but it’s new. Last night it happened again and he finally just sorta exploded his emotions and told me he’s been feeling a LOT of stress around sex and it’s all but made him not want it at ALL.
I feel so bad and so stupid for how I went about things. I feel like all of this started from me. I wish I would have never have said anything or at the very least, done it in a different way. It feels like toothpaste you can’t get back into the bottle. I can feel myself curling back into the place I was in before, the foundations of self-worth, self-confidence, and wholeness I was starting to finally build feeling as though they are starting to crumble under this doubt. I know these things can’t be held up by someone else, it has to be me, but it’s a challenge for me sometimes.
Even more so, I worry about HIS mental health. I imagine it’s very confusing and very troubling to not be able to, what society and culture has drilled into his brain, “perform for his wife”. I feel so terrible and have made it very clear that this is an US problem and that I want to be there for him in whatever we he needs. Even if that means just leaving him alone.
For now, we decided to both just step back and stop having sex for a bit. Trying to fight the uphill battle of taking the pressure away from it all. Considering couples counseling as this seems like a spiderweb type of problem. Maybe we’re doing it all wrong but we both want to fix it.
I’ve learned through therapy that writing things out can be really powerful for me, so perhaps that is what I’m doing here, but I’m also writing to see if anyone has gone through something similar. Part of why I love this community is because we all come from different walks of life, different journeys, but all have something to share with each other.
Many thanks.
6 comments
Basically you learned something new, then unloaded everything at one time on him. Moral of the story, do it in small doses. Also let him know he does not have to solve those issues, just listen. That might be where the stress is coming from. He in problem solving mode
> I could tell when I talked to him about intimacy, it made him really uncomfortable, so after a while I backed off.
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> I wish I would have never have said anything or at the very least, done it in a different way.
Well, how did you phrase it?
It’s always threatening for the partner if the other one is improving and evolving because of the natural and hidden fear: will they even like me anymore? what if they’ll realize I’m not good enough for them? But it’s also necessary in order to be a healthy person with a fulfilling relationship. I’d suggest you read Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch
I must say there is NOTHING my wife could disclose to me about sex that would deter me. Trust me when I tell you, you did not turn him off. There may be some stressors at hand. I went through this and it had nothing to do with my wife. I went to my urologist and got a script for Viagra. Our sex life has never been better and I have never lived her more. Sometimes I need a little help, sometimes I don’t. Is there any pornography being used? This can definitely desensitize sex and making love with your wife.
Don’t focus on sex, look at other forms of intimacy, cuddling, holding hands etc. There has to be no expectations of sex for now, just step back, be there, and be understanding. If he wants to be alone, give him that space.
People don’t like change. That could be part of it. Also if you are improving physically and he is not then he may feel he is letting you down. Maybe he isn’t good enough for you and hasn’t moved to the place in life you are.
If my wife came to me and told me that I would probably react a similar way simply because maybe I don’t feel the same way about her. Not that I wouldn’t mind the sex or turn it down.
Take it slow and let him be him. Drastic changes, especially if he is stagnant so to speak in his life,then it can bring about shame.