I keep reading that most people don’t show their true colors/self until after 3 months of dating. How much is this true for you? If you aren’t your authentic self in the first 3 months, why not?

39 comments

  1. I’m going to be who I am from the first minute.
    If you mean showing vulnerability or something of that nature? That’ll probably not happen

  2. I’d like to think what you see in the first few minutes of knowing me is basically what you get

  6. I doubt anyone who does this is really conscious of it.

    I think i am pretty authentic from the jump tbh, although ultimately i have a lot of thoughts and ideas I’ll probably never tell anyone

  7. 3 months? 7 years and counting. There are sides to most people that nobody will see, except when it’s absolutely necessary. For example, she’s never seen what I’m like when I am angry. She’s never seen what I’m like in a situation where physical violence is required for my own security/that of my family. I know exactly what I’m capable of, but it lives in a dark corner of my soul somewhere to be wheeled out as a last resort. I think this is the truth of all men. We are all capable of some terrible shit, it’s the civilised side that keeps a lid on it and that’s what I would rather give to people.

  9. 85%

    As much as I can mean to. Imagine dating someone for more than 3 months and not knowing them.

  10. By 3 months we already moved in. I think I opened by that point as much as ever will.

    It’s not about showing true self, it’s about initial enchantment fades on both sides, and that, and reaction to that, and reaction to reaction may cause a fallout. It doesn’t have to be exactly 3 months, it may get more.

  11. I usually don’t tall them anything about my obsession with axes, or show them my axe collection, until after 6 month. Usually when we’re on a hike deep in the woods

  12. Im probably going to be as authentic as I can get at about 1 month or so. Before that I usually tailor myself to fit their personality a bit better (as I do with all strangers).

    Also there are some things you don’t/shouldn’t ever share imo.

  13. I don’t hide or fake my personality but I won’t reveal my weak spots even in first 3 years already did that mistake once.

  14. I’m me, and I’m not putting a front on my personality.

    But there’s definitely such a thing as oversharing, especially early. Since I would think your post is about that, everytime I opened up because I had a problem, I ended up having then two problems.

  15. I (46M) am vulnerable from the beginning and I am not that way for the other person. I’m am that way for me. There is absolutely nothing the other person can do with what I share that can harm me – if they mock me, it’s me who decides how to react to that mockery. They don’t get to decide how I feel. I have that power.

    The women I have dated have openly stated that one of their favorite aspects about me is my ability to talk about my feelings. It’s been a universal positive.

    And fellas… this is where our real strength comes from.

  16. It’s an arbitrary number but you’ll probably be getting 40-60-ish percent depending on what I’ve heard you say or seen you do.

  17. 3 months of being unauthentic? How the fuck do you pretend for that long. Are you trying for an Oscar or something?

    Like what’s the point of even dating someone if they don’t know who you are?

  18. Honestly, I try to be as real and genuine as I can be right from the beginning. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time or give them false expectations. Of course, there are always some things that take time to reveal because you’re getting to know each other, but I don’t believe in pretending to be someone I’m not. If I can’t be myself within the first 3 months, then I’m probably not with the right person. Life is too short to wear a mask.

  19. I’m up front from the beginning, easiest way to figure out if you’re compatible or not. If you’re not going to be your authentic self what’s the point anyway.

  21. Fellas. You can open up. Just don’t give them ammo to use against you in a fight just because she wants to be immature.

  22. The vast majority of stuff will be open to her, but I’m not going to push any of it her way. Whatever little I am holding back from her at that point I will probably always hold from her.

    The entire point of having someone that close is to have someone that close.

  23. I’d open up from the get-go

    No reason to play a role or hide behind a mask.

    Of course, it would take a little more time and mostly trust talking about sensitive topics, but I don’t see the point of being another person or being “too” closeted from the beginning

  25. I don’t know what that means. Am I hiding parts of myself for 3 months? Absolutely not. Do you know everything after 3 months? Also no.

  26. I never saw the point of not being perfectly honest about who I am from the start. “Trick” someone into liking you, and later try to weasel out of how you misrepresented yourself?

    Nah. I’m pretty much an open book, and I never had a negative experience with that. But I guess that also comes with the territory: I’m poly, and any new potential partner will be made aware of what she’s getting into before we so much as hold hands.

  27. Maybe 1-1.01 % if I get carried away and caught up in my emotions after drinking. That might be on the high side! I apologize if I overestimated.

  28. I have mental problems. I pursue ideal of woman in my mind then get bored because they can’t live up to it. Then I run after new conquests.

  30. My last wife and I were watching some movie. I forget what it’s was. But it reminded me of something so I told her the story of it. She just looked at me and said, ” I never knew that about you.” We had been together for 17 years at that time.

  31. Playing the cool guy got me laid but I felt alone and nothing lasted. Being myself tests compatibility faster. Have made some genuine connections but none turned into relationships.

  32. I’m on the spectrum, bro –this is the only me you get lol
    For real tho: a big part of “opening up” –and when you’re comfortable doing it–has to do with one’s relationship with personal shame. Because the ‘true color/self’ we hide is usually hidden because we’re not proud of it.

    We’re all have certain pieces of ourselves that we’re ashamed of–moments of our pasts, selfish fantasies in the present, vile things we’ve almost said to people that we love, the shape or size or smell or texture of our genitals, whatever. When those pieces are present in our mind, they can make us feel unlovable–that’s how shame works: it overwhelms us with a feeling like we are just plain bad, wrong, and hopeless. And if that’s true– and it certainly *feels* true– then anyone who sees those pieces will reject us because having those pieces means that we’re disgusting.

    Thankfully, shame is usually a fleeting feeling: ‘I’m ashamed about what I just searched for online. Why is this who I am!? Oh, crap– it’s 2 am and I have work at 8. I should brush my teeth and go to bed.’ What we fear, however, is that another person will permanently judge us just as severely as we fleetingly feel. You remember that one really annoying kid from elementary school? Yeah, fuck that kid. Our judgements stand until something alters them, and the judgement we get from others helps us understand who we are, so we *cannot* let them find these pieces or else they’ll make us *know* that we’re disgusting, and we won’t be able to forget this feeling until they do!

    And that’s where you find the outline for moving past shame: learn to understand and forgive. Yeah, that kid was annoying, but they were a *kid*. Maybe their parents weren’t paying attention to them at home. Or worse: maybe they were acting *just like* their parents. It was a long time ago, and they’re probably a normal person now. It’s okay that they weren’t perfect back then. And if it’s okay for them, then it should be okay for me, too. And as long as my partner wants to understand me more than they want to judge me, then they’ll want to forgive me for these pieces, too. That’s why we wait– to have that feeling of security that our partners *want* things to go well, even if it means overcoming moments of feeling shocked or appalled about the pieces we have.

  33. I am who i am. i dont really act different around different people

    but if you mean opening up and confessing insecurities, fear etc? yeah never gonna happen, those stay inside, iv been burned enough times when i was younger opening up to women. never ever ends well.

    no matter how much they say you should and nothing will change, they are always looking for “manly” issues to talk about, people who piss you off, shit at work etc, they dont want to know how depressed you are, your body image issues. how lonely you feel , all the things you hide behind the mask you present to the world.

    the world shames emotional men, boys dont cry, suck it up etc. we all get told those things from an early age. just ignore it and get one with life. because nobody actually cares unless you pay them to.

  35. All. I have no secrets and the more I share the more she knows what she’s dealing with. Don’t want to get a year in and then drop some bombshell. No point in wasting time. I share all the major stuff and ask the important questions like first couple of dates.

  36. Day 1. I do not and will not alter anything about myself to gain a woman’s attention. I certainly don’t want to waste time with someone who’s not compatible, so best to find out early.

     

    > I guess by “authentic self” I also meant showing vulnerabilities.

    Not sure what this means. I don’t have any vulnerabilities that I can think of.

  37. This is just a rehash of the “men why don’t you open up” threads we have here each month that women never believe.

  38. The MINUTE I cried in front of my ex, I watched the look in her eye change forever. There used to be this spark. I was her Superman. She desired me more because I was strong.

    And then I cried, and she cheated.

    Never. Again.

  39. Umm… I show my true self when I first meet her?

    This is why I have no dates, and no girlfriend… It would probably be 10x easier if I just lied – or omitted certain truths.

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