I (35F) am seeing a (31M) and we’ve had sex three times now but he hasn’t been able to cum either through PIV or oral. I’ve never experienced this before. We’ve spoken about it and he said this happens a lot with him and he thinks it’s a psychological block. The last time we had sex he went soft and then he said he was tired. It’s making me feel really insecure. He said he thinks I’m sexy and he finds me attractive but I’m feeling like something is wrong. Any ideas of what’s going on here?

10 comments

  1. I had this with a few partners and most of the time it was more a problem with them holding back to fullfil any imaginary standards to keep me happy with the drawback that they hold back so much that they were unable to cum or like you said got flaccid.

    This obviously doesn’t have to be the problem.

    Other points that come to my mind is him being nervous which in return builds up as a form of blockage.

  2. It’s 99.9% a mental block and definitely not a you not being hot enough problem. The best thing you can do is help the man relax and make him focus equally much on his own pleasures as he’s probably putting a lot of mental energy into giving you a good time. If he’s able to cum when he’s masturbating you can for instance propose that you masturbate together. That way he only has to worry about his thing and can do it the way he likes all while he also gets to be intimate with you. If he’s able to cum that way you can build further on that. As with most things: think big, start small.

  3. As that guy, you are not a problem.

    It’s all in our heads.

    Mental blocks due to insecurity, nervousness or simply because we cannot get into moment, being too focused on what we do, instead of feeling it…

  4. Maybe a side effect of medications, such as antipsychotics, opiates, and antidepressants.

    Or neuropathy (nerve damage) caused by diabetes. Or uncontrolled hypertension (high blood pressure).

    Or mental health issues such as anxiety, stress, and depression.

  5. There can be a lot of reasons.
    -He’s tired
    -Sex is not really that exciting for him, feels like a chore, he also needs other stimuli
    -He’s insecure
    -Anxious
    etc.etc , the only real reason can either be told by him, or the therapist if he’d ever visit one.

  6. Speaking as a man, there are MANY possible reasons for this and only ONE is anything to do with you – and your guy has already told you that is not it. For the sake of completion though, the reasons a man might not finish during sex are:

    1. Lack of attraction to his partner.
    2. Trying to hold back so as not to finish too early
    3. Too focussed on your pleasure so his never really gets any attention
    4. Tired (ever heard the phrase “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak”?)
    5. Stressed
    6. Distracted
    7. Death grip
    8. Porn addiction
    9. Not in the mood (yes it CAN happen for men, despite how insistently people want to ignore this possibility)
    10. Unsure of his sexuality
    11. Body image issues
    12. Lack of intimacy – you’ve only slept together 3 times so far so things are still new. He may not feel entirely comfortable enough with you yet to properly “let go”.
    13. There is also another one that, for some reason, people also seem intent on NOT believing, despite the growing evidence to the contrary – just like many women can enjoy sex without orgasm, there are men who are the same. Admittedly they are in a relatively minority, but they still exist.

    I’m sure there are some I’ve missed as well, but as you can see, even with the 13 points I have mentioned above, only ONE has anything to do with YOU, and your guy has already said this is not the case.

    Now, your thinking that something is “wrong” is well-intentioned, but flawed thinking. You think it is wrong because, by your own words, you’ve never had a man not finish from sex before. Just for a second, imagine this in reverse; a man writing that his gf doesn’t finish from oral sex and he’s never had this happen before and he thinks something is wrong. What would the advice be for him? “Your gf now is none of your exes, all women are different. If she doesn’t finish from oral, find out how she DOES finish and do that. She also might not even need to finish to enjoy it.” Your thinking basically is from the same POV as the men in these situations, and it comes from wanting your partner to have a good time, but in ways that YOU recognise from your past experience. You need to learn to spot signs that your CURRENT guy is enjoying himself with you – case in point, you don’t mention that he is turning you down, so he’s clearly enjoying himself if he keeps coming back for more.

  7. I usually can’t cum, it got worse in recent times…

    I focus so much on my partner and can only cum after her…. However, I can stay hard for long a really long time and really enjoy the act.

  9. I’ve been there done that several times. 100% mental block. My last ex, I couldn’t get hard for when I was with her for at least the first 3 times we tried. There have been women I wasn’t able to finish with (that was antidepressants though). As long as you’re understanding and know that it’s not you, everything should be fine.

  10. Could be mental, depression can do that, stress, self image issues, ext…

    Could be hormonal, need blood tests for confirmation

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