My (m. 40) husband is amazing. He’s kind, supportive, and an overall good human being. He helps out around the house, goofs off with me, is the best cuddler, and for the most part communicates well. My (f. 34) issue is our sex life.
He’s always had issues with his body..mostly with his weight. I wouldn’t say he’s obese but he’s definitely overweight. He gets in his head a lot. He also takes antidepressants which he’s been on for longer than I’ve known him. However, for the most part, we’ve compromised to make it work between us (every 3-4 days).
Recently, this changed though. Ive been turned down frequently. I put in the effort to look nice and put on lingerie and he won’t be in the mood. It’s really hit me hard emotionally. So I told him I wouldn’t initiate anymore and I’d wait for him to need me. Well… That isn’t going well. The man can go weeks and worse when we do, he cums so quick I’m not getting mine anymore (this makes him upset with himself).
I’m also aware that his weight gain is making it harder to have sex. I’m still very much attracted to him but I can tell it’s a serious workout for him and I think that’s making the whole thing more of a chore for him. (side note: I don’t know how to talk to him about any of it without hurting his feelings)
Sorry this is long but I’m at a loss here. We used to have really good sex and I’m sad to see him feeling bad about himself. And I’m also frustrated because it’s making me feel selfish and less desired. How do I talk to him about making changes?
(Second sidenote: he sees a therapist and is open to communicating. I just don’t want to hurt him by admitting I’m not satisfied and I’m worried about his well-being)
4 comments
„I put in the effort to look nice and put on lingerie“
That might be the wrong approach if he is so self conscious about his body. Try the opposite, „get more on his level“. Don’t shave, only shabby clothes, etc. Maybe otherwise he thinks you’re too good (looking) for him.
You might want to recommend that he get his testosterone checked by the doctor. A lot of his issues can be caused by low testosterone. I was like him a few years ago and finally got my T checked. It was the level of an 80 year old man (I’m 45 now). I started on TRT shots shortly after, and let’s just say my high libido wife who complained about sex for 15 years hasn’t complained in a long time. LOL
Men over 40 need to get their T checked every year with a physical. Doctors will normally not check it unless you ask. Even guys in their 20s have issues now.
The issue here isn’t around initiates. It’s that, number one, your partner is dealing with overlapping things that are going to reduce his desire for sex, and that means, number two, it puts the two of you into a tense situation that isn’t doing your marriage any favors.
It’s not really“his fault” more than it is “your fault” if part of what he’s dealing with is depression which already lowers sex drives, and then you throw anti-depressants on top of that, and that can also suppress a sex drive.
You have two sets of questions in front of you, both as a couple, but also for you, individually.
As a couple:
* **How important is sex to each of you?** Some people are totally happy being in a low-sex relationship because they’re still fulfilled despite the low amount of sex. Other people can’t find fulfillment in a relationship if sex is relatively low/absent. Where do you fall? Where does your partner?
* **How much work is each of you willing to put in to ensure that sexual intimacy is an important part of your relationship?** “Work” can mean being consciously mindful of creating time/space for intimacy. If one or both of your sex drives is being impacted by physical/medical issues, are either of you willing to look into interventions for those?
* **What would help each of you be more sexually open/available to the other?** In other words, what barriers (brakes) to sex can be removed? What turn-ons (accelerators) to sex can be introduced?
There’s a bunch of books that folks can read that might be helpful in dealing with the above questions. Here’s a few I’d recommend:
* Emily Nagoski: [Come As You Are](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314). A very useful book for understanding the nature of how desire works.
* Melody Parker: [The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual](https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ). Parker is a psychologist who drew a lot on Reddit users as part of her research.
* Lauren Mersey and Jennifer Vencill: [Desire](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/723719/desire-by-jennifer-a-vencill/). This is brand new and probably has overlap with the previous two books but I’ve heard [interviews with the authors](https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/15fsnnp/psa_couple_of_podcast_episodes_and_new_book_about/) and they definitely tackle the issue of sexual mismatches in relationships.
***
These are the key questions for you, individually:
* **If nothing changes, can you still embrace being in the relationship?** And by “embrace” I mean: you minimize your frustration, you remove resentment. It’s not just about tolerating things, it’s about accepting “this relationship is so amazing, I’m willing to give up the kind of sex life I want in order to stay with my partner.”
* If you can’t embrace things as they are, **what’s the timeline you’re willing to give yourself** before you’re ready to either ask to radically change the relationship (by opening it up) or leaving? Leaving a relationship because you’re not getting your needs met is 100% legitimate; don’t let anyone suggest otherwise. If a long-term monogamous relationship doesn’t provide sexual fulfillment to both people, *then it’s a failing relationship*.
He needs to lose weight. I know, easier said than done but I’m not really speaking from a place of inexperience. I lost about 50 lbs in the past year and still have more to go. I was disgusted with my body during sex too and it was a workout and that was pretty embarrassing and messing with my head. What worked for me was mostly weight watchers(which is really just portion control and avoidance of the absolute worst things, it’s just a system to make it easier) but also light exercise, I walk at least a couple miles a day if I can and sometimes ride an exercise bike but nothing crazy, no running or anything at all. Honestly it definitely increased my sex drive and as much as my wife won’t admit it, her attraction to me as well. It also adds a little usable length to a man’s penis as well in my experience, not a ton but a noticeable amount and the increased blood flow helps too.
And I know this sounds, perhaps counter intuitive to you as his wife but if he sees increased positive attention from women just out in public that external validation will boost his ego more than anything you can do(“cause you have to be attracted to me” or at least that’s what I’d tell my wife and myself).