I just need to vent. I asked my husband to call my MIL to find out what’s going on for thanksgiving. It’s just under two weeks away and we’ve not heard anything. They’re not “planners” so this is not unusual. He called her and they’ve been on the phone for roughly half an hour, with the initial thanksgiving plan communicated it probably in the first 5 minutes or so. Since then it’s been a lot of “Mhm” “yeah” “oh that’s interesting” “hm” responses from him. Barely any actual, real sentences have come out of his mouth. This is how it goes every time they have a phone call. She 1) never asks him about his life/work/me/our pets/anything related to us 2) goes on and on about the most recent article she’s read or work drama and 3) tells him the most out of pocket shit about their family – I.e. “I looked up the arrest records for your uncle’s new girlfriend and she has been arrested for domestic violence and meth possession” or “so-and-so has cancer and it’s nearly terminal” (even though it wasn’t and then never followed up to provide the very important detail that this person is now IN REMISSION AND HAS BEEN FOR OVER A YEAR) and then 4) rushes off the phone before he even really has time to process the trauma dump. It’s the same formula every time.
It doesn’t bother my husband at all (probably because he grew up with it) but it bothers the absolute SHIT out of me because she’s basically not investing anything in him as a person and just uses him as a sounding board for all the negativity in her life. Again, he’s not bothered by it, but it makes me angry because my husband deserves a parent who’s more interested in talking to him about what’s going on in his life. It just ends up coming off SO self-centered, narcissistic, and tone-deaf. Oh, how nice it would be to have normal and not unhinged in-laws.
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It’s funny, you’ve described the interactions between my partner and his mother almost exactly! It’s so uncanny.
Over the years, he has shared with me that it makes him sad and frustrated to feel so brushed off. He loves his parents and really wants to have a nice relationship, but kept getting his feelings hurt. It did take him many years to even get to the point of acknowledging his feelings and not just making excuses for them.
When he told me this, I didn’t attack his folks or share my anger. All I did was gently reassure him that a) he really does deserve to be heard and treated more considerately, his mom’s behavior really is impolite and it’s okay for him to feel frustrated. And b) he should try to discuss it with them, they do love and care about him despite this social clumsiness and surely they would want to know this is happening.
It was hard, but he did manage to set up a conversation with them where he shared his feelings and described the difficulties over the years. And at first, they reacted with defensiveness and denial and it was hard for him, but I was able to stay in his corner and assure him he wasn’t being unreasonable, just stay confident and firm that he is bothered by this behavior.
About a year out now, his parents are starting to take it to heart and give him more space, and their relationship has improved and he’s not stressed out about it. It’s been a really incredible transformation and I’m proud of him.
Now, this was all able to happen because despite their self-centered habits, his parents are kind people who want to do their best to connect. And it was still hard! But it paid off.
Just lift him up and support him, let him know he deserves more consideration and let him find his voice, if he wants to.