I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for?

46 comments

1. I’ve never understood the logic of parents of kids who they didn’t conceive 100% naturally wanting to wait till 18 to break the news. What could this bombshell possibly do but traumatise them?? Bring the child up explaining mummy and daddy needed a little help bringing you into the world, and your auntie helped, so you are a part of her too as well as being our child. It’s so easy to understand and the child knowing the truth growing up will be so much better of.

   Unfortunately don’t have any advice for you if your sister decides to go about this stupid plan of waiting till 18, but if I were you I would address it with her and try to convince her that it’s a bad idea. The child will hate her, hate you, probably hate herself, and not know what to believe with all the lies. Make sure you do your part to help her avoid that.

2. She needs to be told as soon as she’s able to understand, in words simple enough for her age.

   Her parents should have been given counselling during the process and should have access to resources to help them do this.

   I was adopted as a baby in tne 1960’s and my parents told me from such an early age that I was chosen specially from all the other children that I never had any trauma around it.

   There was another girl in my class at school whose dumb parents decided to tell her on her 16th birthday. She freaked out, couldn’t cope with the massive lie that she wasn’t her parents “real” child and left home as soon as she could.

   I do t know why your sister would possibly think this variant would be preferable.

   She needs to k ow that she was created out of love and that your bond is special between all of you.

3. I think it should be explained to her much earlier than 18 TBH. She should honestly be raised knowing it because it will make things easier on her mentally. She won’t feel like her family has lied to her for the past 18 years.

   My aunt found out she was adopted around 15/16 years old and she took it horribly. She felt a lot of resentment and she ran away from home at 16 and never moved back home.

   ETA: if she’s raised knowing that her aunt is her bio mom and that you did this selfless thing so her parents could raise her, then it’s just her normal.

4. Did you go through appropriate legal consultations and psychological counselling before donating? Reputable clinics generally require you to consider these things before any egg donation occurs.

5. I highly recommend you do some research into donor conceived people. The recommendations from DCP and psychologists is that they are told essentially from birth so there is no discovery period. The window before it becomes traumatic is fairly small (I think before 5-7 yrs old). There are a ton of books geared towards children about this to help put it into terms they can understand. Unfortunately a lot of times the raising parent puts their own insecurities ahead of what’s best for the child and they don’t tell.

6. Did none of you do any research into this before going into it? Because the overwhelming professional opinion is that children should know their origins as early as possible. It should never be a “big reveal”. Read anything from the perspective of a donor baby (there are even subs for this) and they will confirm this. Those who are told young cope much better than those who are told when they are fully grown. It isn’t about what your sister prefers. It’s the child’s life story and she deserves to know that her aunt is her biological mum. It often has less to do with the biology and more to do with finding out that everyone has been keeping a huge secret from you your entire life.

7. There isn’t anything magical that happens at 18. IMO they should just include that an egg was donated and IVF as part of the story that they tell her NOW. There is zero reason for that to be a secret. When she is old enough to ask who donated the egg – just tell her.

   Why make it a huge deal, secret, etc. Makes it seem shameful.

8. I think it is better to not keep something like this a secret but rather incorporate it in the upbringing of the child.

9. My daughter is donor conceived (via sperm donation). I have not hidden that and discuss it with her age appropriately. I don’t think it’s very fair on a child to hide who they are.

10. My nearly-four-year-old son was born via surrogacy. He has known this his whole life and therefore considers it “normal”. He will never be shocked or upset about it, it will just be a part of his story. I cannot contemplate hiding something so important from him.

    I bring it up in casual ways. For example, when he asked me what a bellybutton is, I told him it’s where the tube was that connected him to the surrogate when she grew him in her belly. And when he asks to see photos of himself, I sometimes show him the photo of me cutting the umbilical cord just after he was born.

    As soon as he is old enough to start asking questions about how babies are conceived, I will tell him he was born via an egg donor and daddy’s sperm. The only reason I haven’t told him already is that he’s not old enough to understand the mechanics of sex yet.

11. Tell her before she’s 18, the earlier the better. She is not going to forgive any of you for lying to her for 18 years! My friend has a baby from an egg donor and he’s known since he was about three, there are some good age appropriate books out there to help explain it to them.

12. There are so many examples out there of why waiting to tell someone something like this is a horrible idea. If you bring the child up just knowing this information then it is a part of who they are. If you wait until they are 18 and drop this ridiculous nuclear bomb on them, then they question if they ever actually knew who they were. Your sister and BIL are going to give their child an identity crisis for her 18th birthday. Just what everyone always wanted.

13. I have a close friend whose triplets were made in the following way: two viable embryos were placed in a surrogate, and one was put inside her. The surrogate gave birth to the twins a month before my friend gave birth to the other baby. The three girls are now twelve and know how it happened that, though they are fraternal triplets, two of them were born early. Explaining how this happened while they were very little has helped them accept this slightly strange fact absolutely.

14. People get far more upset at the fact that everyone older than them has ganged up against them, keeping THEIR secret, rather than by any other facts about their birth.

15. I feel like telling her at 18 is going to go so horribly wrong. She’s going to be confused and will question everything. She may even feel like you all lied to her for her entire existence. She’s likely going to wonder why you only came around once or twice a month.

    I definitely understand that you’re letting her legal parents make the choices. I don’t think I agree with their idea at all, though.

16. Dont wait. Tell her as soon as you can. The last thing an 18 yo needs is an identity crisis when they just grounded themselves. If you tell her at 5 or 6, she’ll be able to work the relationship into her bonds without it being traumatic.

    Take this from someone who found out i had a brother given away at birth in a closed adoption when i was 2. My mom was never planning on telling me, but i found the documents at 16. I hated her for a decade before i was able to reconcile with her. And ill never know my brother.

17. They want to wait until she’s 18? She’s going to be angry angry.

18. I know someone that is the child in this position and she was devastated to find out. You need to tell her sooner

19. I have no advice to give (I think the girl’s parents should talk about this with a family therapist) but you seem like a lovely person. I wish you the best.

20. My moms used a sperm donor to have my brother and I. When we were little kids they used to tell us how the magic baby bank gave them the puzzle piece they needed to have my brother and I; and that they were blessed to have the opportunity to raise children when they otherwise wouldn’t have been able to. It was that simple and I never once questioned where I came from or who I was or why I had two moms instead of a dad.

    Don’t wait till she’s 18. I think you and her parents should slip it in there randomly when she doesn’t really understand it & make it normal part of growing up. “Mommy and daddy needed help getting me into the world so Aunt OP gave them the puzzle piece they needed.” And as she gets older that obviously needs to become more age appropriate.

    This is just my two cents coming from someone who’s known their whole life that they were different from the other kids (in this posts case, other siblings). I think it would be beneficial for the other siblings involved to also understand from a young age that Julia is just like her other siblings, but she will always have that part of Auntie OP in her. Good luck OP. Remember that whatever you do, you need to discuss this with Julia’s parents before you do anything.

21. If I were that child, I’d be so angry that I was lied to *my entire life* by the people who are supposed to love me the most. This will absolutely damage relationships in your family. She’ll never trust anyone who knew and allowed the lie to perpetuate.

    Try to explain that to your sister. Show her this post if you think it would help her to see other perspectives.

    That’s a tough position she is putting your whole family in. If she won’t change her mind, just know there will be fallout when the time comes.

    And maybe (hopefully) I’m wrong. Maybe she’ll be chill about it and not care. Maybe she’ll say she already knew. There’s really no way to know how she’ll react, as everyone is different. You sound very level-headed, so maybe that trait has passed on to her. 😊

22. It’s recommended that these things are explained early to avoid them becoming bombshell revelations. I looked into this a long while back when I gave up a child for adoption.

    I have friends who explained to their young child that people are made up of different building blocks – some come from biology (like from you) and others come from who their mum and dad are / who raises them. In that case you leant them some building blocks as they needed some more to make her. Their child is now going on 17 and hasn’t had any trauma phase, it was never a bombshell, he just grew up knowing and as he got older and learned about genetics it was apparently never a worry.

23. Well waiting until 18 is a huge mistake. The younger they are when it is explained to them, the less of an issue it is.

    “We needed help to have you, so we used Auntie’s egg, which we put in mummy’s tummy.”

    Simple.

24. What???? Why?????

25. The child needs to know from the day it is born about its birth story. Use story books. IT WILL MESS HER UP TERRIBLY FINDING OUT EVERYTHING WAS A LIE WHEN SHE IS 18.
    ALL the research on this says any children conceived through any donor conception MUST KNOW and the earlier they know about it the better.
    What happens if you die before the kid turns 18?
    They need to know now.

26. Random reminder that an 18yo, while legally an adult, is basically still a child although people somehow forget that **a lot.**

    The development and maturation of the prefrontal cortex is usually fully accomplished by the age of 25-27), so rethink the timeline with her parents maybe?

    ​

    I’d either tell her when she’s a bit older (like 8ish?) in a very reassuring, kid-appropriate manner, or wait until she’s an actual adult. 18 is just asking for emotionally dysregulated drama…

    ​

    For the video: I’d start by telling her how happy you are you did this for her parents and the entire family (yourself included), who wanted her and loved her so much.

    I think she might just wonder *why you accepted* (you never wanted kids yourself, but always loved her sister to bits, and knew you’d love her just the same, and that her parents and sisters would give her all the love in the world and be happier with her there, and how great her mom would be, so you obviously didn’t hesitate a second when it came up before your sister even asked – easy shocking answer: love for your family was the reason. yeah for the #greataunt team) and *how you felt about it* (and you seem to feel just fine. sometimes you wonder/hope she get your good trait and not the bad but it’s all in good spirit and fun, not weird – more like “ugh I hope this kid doesn’t grow up being one who chews with her mouth open or someone will take that badly” ) and just reassure her 1000 times that you never felt odd or weird about her in any way and loved her as much as Maria, how cool she is and blablabla. So basically, honesty and reassurance all the way

    Incidentally, this stuff also works with the kid-appropriate conversation

27. I think this is so Fd up. It’s like back in the day (less so now but it still happens) when people waited to tell their kids they were adopted. Why drop this bomb on her instead of explaining to her as she grows up how they wanted her so much and how medicine is so amazing that they were able to have her against all the odds? I wish there was a plan in place before she was conceived but fortunately she is so young so it’s not too late.

28. Why on earth are they waiting until 18? That’s fucking weird. Tell this kid how they were made.

29. Why won’t your sister tell Julia from the beginning? Is she afraid Maria could weaponize the info during a sibling fight? I don’t understand why she’d withhold such important information.

    Your medical history is very relevant to Julia, so if you develop any hereditary conditions she needs to know.

30. All you did was donate a bit of genetic material. Her actual mother is your sister, so if you explain it that way while she is young, she can normalize this all as just a meaningless part of her identity.

    Frame it as your sister needing to borrow an egg to bake a cake. The egg is not the cake.

    The cake requires all the other ingredients, the knowledge, the care and time, the oven, and so on.

    So tell her she was a delicious cupcake that mummy had to ask her auntie for an egg to help bring the cupcake together.

    Then you tickle her and and pretend to chomp on her.

    Best to make it a joyful discussion while she is little, and then you can have an extra special relationship as the fun aunt while your sister is the loving mom who will sacrifice everything for her.

    She is clearly very loved. She will be fine no matter what.

    And you are a good sister.

31. Waiting until 18 … ugh. This sort of thing should be celebrated and talked about throughout her life so she can understand it’s a wonderful blessing and not some family secret.

32. 18 is far too late. It will devastate her. She will likely find out sooner anyway, since so many people already know. Please just make it a non-issue by treating it as no big deal, and just a medical need. Keep it age appropriate as she grows up. Please don’t wait until she is 18.

33. I was this kid. Just tell them earlier. 18 makes 0 sense. My parents told me multiple times. What’s the big secret for? They’re making this worse by waiting.

34. The plan to wait to tell Julia is a bad idea. If she finds this out at 18, she will feel hurt and betrayed by all the adults who kept the secret. If she finds this out casually when she’s beginning to ask where babies come from as a preschooler, it will be no big deal. “Sometimes mommies and daddies need some help to make a baby. Aunt Julia helped by giving us her egg to mix with daddy’s sperm to make you.” Please talk to your sister — you are going down a road that will lead to a lot of unnecessary pain and drama when Julia grows up.

35. I would make this fully known in an age appropriate way right from the start. Normalize it, treat it matter of factly.

    My sister was our gestational carrier – it was my egg, but she carried him. We were up front about it with my son from the time he was very little. I’d show him pictures of his birth and pictures of my sister pregnant, etc. However my son is autistic and I think struggles a little bit with understanding how your mother is not the person who carried you and gave birth to you, but it’s not an issue.

36. My son is similar, his uncle is biologicaly the father due to husband medical past. My son is 5 and knows about it already. In a way he can understand, “uncle Joe helped make me” Dont keep it a secret. It’s a weird thing to hide for so long. Try to Celebrate it! You came together to make this child, all the efforts should be celebrated.

37. You and your sister and BIL are being naively ignorant. Why on earth would you want to destroy an 18 year old’s world by her finding out that her parents lied to her and giving her an identity crisis at such a crucial time in her life? Where her mental health could be destroyed and her coping skills could involve ruining her life?

    It’s easy to explain to children. They accept it. They believe you that this is ok and no identity crisis needed.

38. Cross post to r/donorconceived. There will be more relevant perspective from there.

39. I’m a donor conceived child who was told of my DC status at age 27. My donor is a random man from across the country, but it was almost my uncle (dad’s brother). So I hope you can take my POV into consideration.

    Finding this out in adulthood was destabilizing for months. I believe it would have been even harder to come to terms with if I found out the person I got to know as my uncle (or in your case, aunt) for my whole life was actually my genetic parent, my cousins my half siblings, AND that I actually share no genetic connection with who I thought was my half sibling. This can be a huge adjustment for any age if you let her form an identity around false information. I know that Julia is loved by all of you, and that this news doesn’t change anything *for the adults*, but I would really urge you and her parents to put Julia’s well-being first here. I feel strongly that telling a person at 18 is probably the worst age to drop news like this. It’s quite a transitional time for most people and learning information like this can cause a lot of identity confusion.

    Now, in your case she thankfully will not have added factors I had such as suddenly not knowing anything about half of her genetics or discovering several half siblings as a young adult. I think it is great that you will be closely involved with Julia throughout her life. But I would encourage you to have another conversation with her parents, and for all of you to look into other stories by donor conceived people. The industry can be very parent-focused when the child needs to be thought of first and foremost as she did not get a say in how she was brought into this world. There are many facebook groups where donor recipients can seek advice and read perspectives straight from DC people and it may be helpful to join these groups, listen to podcasts, read about the industry..etc.

    The story of how aunt xx helped mom and dad have a baby can be a part of her story (and Maria and Emily’s) growing up, and ultimately does not have to be a very big deal. I really do not understand the secrecy and lies especially as the stigma is not prevalent anymore. Julia’s mother will remain her mother- genetics are not everything. But lying (by omission or not) about her origin until she is 18 is not the best course of action *for her*. There are resources that advise how you can tell the story in an are appropriate manner as she grows up.

40. Welp, ultimately this is not your call to make, but IMO waiting until she’s 18 and then dropping a huge bomb like that on her is *really* not a good plan. She is bound to wonder why the need for secrecy and wonder if there is something wrong or shameful about how she was conceived. And she’s very possibly going to feel like she was lied to her whole life.

    IMO she should grow up knowing this, and in a “This is not a big deal” kind of way. It should be normalized, and keeping it a secret then springing it on her when she’s 18 is the polar opposite of normalizing it.

    I think her mom and dad should talk this over with a therapist to figure out the best approach here.

41. A very serious word of warning:

    It has been scientifically proven that this knowledge should be available to the child from birth. At 18, she will already have a lot of shit going on and will likely have some sort of identity crisis and potentially hate everyone for lying to her for her whole life.

    Do a bit of research, preferably with your sister, and tell the girl, yearly of possible, that her parents wanted her so much that they used part of you to make her. You are not her mother. You are her aunt and her egg donor, and everyone loves her.

    If it is presented matter-of-fact-ly and with love, it will always be part of her identity and won’t cause any form of crisis or upheaval to her life.

42. The adults involved need to chat to a professional about this. The far better way is ‘mommy needed to get an egg from auntie and that egg grew up in mommy’s tummy and you were born. And we all love you.’

    The child will get so bored of this origin story but it will just be normal. At some point when she’s older she’ll realize that it was pretty unique, and she might have questions, but her world view won’t be rocked.

    I have a relative in her 40s who was adopted. The parents never told her, but all her relatives know. We all suspect she knows, but never want to bring it up in case she doesn’t. It’s a real burden and a pain in the ass actually. The parents should have told her right away.

43. 18 is too old

    She needs to know from early childhood

44. My advice, don’t wait until she’s 18. Find a good therapist/counsellor with her parents to develop a child friendly strategy to tell her. If you wait until she’s 18, I guarantee her reaction will be far worse than if you had found a way to tell her as a small child. She will feel betrayed and like she has been lied to her entire life by the people she loves the most. Similarly, teenagers become curious, she may find some paperwork or take a home DNA test for fun before she’s told at 18.

45. You need to normalise it from the time the child is born. I’m adopted and have always known I was adopted and who my bio parents are – it means it’s just normal for me.

    Imagine turning eighteen and getting this huge revelation that fundamentally changed how you view your position in your family – it’d be fucking traumatic. The kid needs to know from an early age.

46. Both my girls were conceived using an anonymous egg donor and my husbands sperm. He was initially thinking we’d never tell them. I explained the many ways that this could blow up in our faces and so he’s been fine with me telling them since they were babies. There are quite a few lovely books that are geared toward little ones that explain the many different variations of IVF (as well as all of the other ways families are made). I’ve got a couple of those and have also just always talked about how we traveled to Prague so that the doctors could help us make our family. I included pictures of their embryos in their baby books which we look at periodically. It is a totally normalized thing so that when it comes up (like at the pediatrician office when talking about family history), it is just a part of their regular lives.