I (33M) had been seeing my girlfriend (26F) for 3 years when she broke up with me very quickly. To provide some context, I had been having health issues for the past 12 months, we also argued a lot but always managed to make things up. We would both describe each other as being in love, had an excellent sex life, and had similar goals and ambitions.
But we were both very stubborn and had personality clashes (one of the big sticking points was my girlfriend’s ‘grey area’ type thinking versus my ‘objectivity’). Anyway, I was quite surprised because I knew she’d been threatening to end things for a while, which felt like another ‘argument’ when all of a sudden she told me she’s found a place and is moving out in a week.
And that was that. Not only did she move out all her stuff a week later, but she didn’t speak to me for 2 months after that. I found this situation very bizarre but I wasn’t going to chase/beg her because this was her decision after all…Anyway, finally I tried to speak to her a few days ago. I asked her if she’s happy with her decision and she said yes, and I asked her if we can still be friends and she basically said no, and not to message her again. Now one of the things she always promised was that she would always be there for me as a friend even if we weren’t together.
I guess I’m just kind of struggling with this, I don’t really understand what has gone on at all. Did she just snap one day? She says she’s been on dates since but I honestly do not think she already had somebody lined up or anything like that. Why is she acting so coldly towards me and is there anything I can do at this stage?
33 comments
Sounds like a horrible narcissist. Careful with people like that
A lot of people get extremely cold and distant after a break up.
She’d been talking about ending things for “a while” – why are you surprised that she finally did? 🤨
You said yourself that she had been threatening to end things for awhile, which you went on to say you perceived as just another argument. It’s clear it wasn’t just another argument to her, and something she has been thinking about and forecasting for awhile. My guess is this didn’t come out of left field, but you mentally reduced talk of it to just a silly fight that you always get over vs. something that was an active possibility for her. She could’ve done a better job of being clear about what was happening, why it is was happening, and how things were going to look moving forward. She owed you at least that much after 3 years, but sometimes we don’t get this the thing we deserve.
What I’m about to say is something I think you need to hear and is being said with SO much compassion: when we hyper focus on the “why” behind someone’s actions and their decision not to be with us anymore, we majorly slow the process of moving on and healing. You don’t need to understand why she did it. You don’t need to understand why she’s being cold. You don’t need to understand why she’s not wanting you in her life at all. You need to ACCEPT those things. Accept that she’s done. Accept that she’s being cold. And accept that she doesn’t want you in her life. This is going to HURT, and you’re going to need to feel those tough feelings on your own. Even though it feels awful, most often a clean break with no contact after is best, especially after a longer relationship.
Take some lessons from this. Mostly that when someone expresses unhappiness in a relationship and thoughts of ending it, it is something to take seriously and communicate through. I hope she learns that there’s a way to leave a relationship with more respect.
There is nothing you can or should do for you former relationship. There is plenty you can and should do for YOUR, starting with feeling this pain and then working toward radical acceptance of what is.
One day it will make perfect sense why this didn’t work. Sending you healing thoughts until then. 💜
Dude. You just said it. You argued with her for 3 years. She’s exhausted and can’t take it anymore.
My advice is… leave her alone and move on dude.
If a woman breaks up with you quickly, it’s because she’s been seeing another guy behind your back. Most likely a work friend of hers. The table was setup perfectly for her escape and she made it. She monkey branched to something better.
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” She says she’s been on dates since but I honestly do not think she already had somebody lined up or anything like that. Why is she acting so coldly towards me and is there anything I can do at this stage?”
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How did you make it to 33 and this naive? She was 100% seeing someone else lol. Women will get away with it because they’ll say “Oh he’s just a friend”. aka he’s a potential boyfriend and if you mess up I’ll leave you for him.
Sad but lady you did not read the signs and change at all to help keep him?? He gave you plenty of warnings and you ignored them like his feelings or opinions didn’t matter! If someone keeps telling what he did then for the next relationship I suggest you ask why and how can we fix this but it sounds like you were selfish in this relationship. Sorry babes not being mean however I think you need to hear the truth and honestly maybe you didn’t love him or you would’ve asked those questions and tried to work it out
There is nothing else you can do at this stage. Homegirl was tired of the relationship long before she actually broke things off that why she’s acting so cold towards you, she’s already over the loss of this relationship. It’s just simply you’re turn to move on from this relationship.
Reread what you said. This relationship sounds terrible.
We always argued, but that’s cool our s&X life was great.
she threatend to break up with me, but I did not take her seriously.
well she left and she didn’t speak to me for 2 months. I refuse to chase her.
She didn’t snap one day, she’s been telling you that she was unhappy for while. You didn’t do anything to improve it. I’m guessing because you thought “ehh, she always says she’s going to leave” so you thought her threats were empty.
I think you’ve passed that stage. After 2 months of not speaking to you ‘she’s probably thinking ” why did I waste three years”. and she probably broke up with you because she’s 26 and looking at her future and say “is this what i want my life to be” and her answer was no.
You thought she was in a “tolerable level of permanent unhappiness”
Hit the gym
move on
hi babe
She wasn’t threatening. She TOLD you she was gonna leave.
And she did.
So you were sick and battling with her for a year. She also let you know she’s thinking about ending things. And you’re shocked? She’s done nothing wrong by exiting (with warning) something that sounds toxic and then cutting off contact. It sucks but this is dating. Why would anyone want to stay in a relationship that is filled with negative experiences?
You sound toxic. Good for her and I wish her well.
If someone’s threatening to break up with you, you should probably take it seriously, just for future reference.
No there’s nothing you can do. She’s done a clean break and indifference is a sign that it’s definitely the end.
She might have told you she was in love but id say it sounds like the love probably faded due to the struggles with each other.
Onto the next.
Not trying to be a dick but you’re totally clueless buddy.
You said early in the post that you both would say you were in love and then a few sentences later you said she had been telling you that she wanted to break up.
You didn’t reach out for 2 months and that’s good. But then you asked her to be friends. Why on earth would you two be friends? You think that if you can be her friends you can sneak back into the boyfriend position? That never works.
Instead of thinking about how “abrupt” the break up was and instead of pining for her you should spend some serious time, maybe with a therapist even, thinking about all the things you did wrong in the relationship..
This doesn’t sound sudden, you seem in denial
Man this is gonna hurt, but in some ways you saw this coming. You said yourself you were both u happy. Many times in a relationship peoples tolerance for dysfunction is not equal-maybe one had a very happy and healthy upbringing with little to no fights, and maybe one had a stable but somewhat tumultuous upbringing with constant family conflict. The “norm” to you may seem like hell to her, based on how you were raised.
This instance alone should be enough going forward to know you should always try to have healthy conflict and treat your partner with love and an even keel. I speak from experience- a similar thing where we had a lovely relationship, but with distance more arguments and dysfunction and after 2 months (not the year you got), I was broken up with in a similar way.
To parrot others—you will gain more out of this by going to therapy. Working on yourself inside and out, and moving on at your pace. I’ll tell you now wasting time waiting for them to come back or checking their socials/“pining” over them is a waste of time. They don’t love you, they don’t want you, and they told you that. Focus on getting your confidence and your life back on track—but with the knowledge gained from this.
Nobody is perfect, but learn and know for your next relationship how to address conflict healthily and always treat your partner with respect. Don’t regret it, but learn and move forward.
Read “Uncoupling” by Diane Vaughan. You gf has been unhappy with this relationship for some time, and she has tried to fix it through various means but it hasn’t panned out (my bet is that she was telling you things that she needed to see changed in the relationship and you just refused or tired her out with stalling talk without fixing the actual things she had a problem with).
So, she realized that the relationship was never going to be one where she could really feel comfortable being her true self without worrying how her partner would react, so she started planning her exit without making too many waves until she had fashioned herself a soft landing by having a new apartment all ready to go.
“and I asked her if we can still be friends and she basically said no” why the phuck would you still want to be friends?
Sounds like she tried to have conversations with you about why she was unhappy in your relationship and for whatever reason, you just never, ever **got it**
so finally she was like “you know what, I need to just leave then, because at least I can be happy in my relationship with *myself*”
that’s what I read, anyway
Why do so many people think ‘constantly arguing’ is a normal healthy part of a steady relation? Dude, you answered why she broke up with you in the first two lines.
30 dating a 23 year old? i don’t feel too bad for you
So she was threatening to ends things and you… are seemingly surprised that she did what she said she would?
Yeah a 180 like this doesn’t just “happen out of nowhere”. She didn’t just give you signs, she literally *told you* she wants to break up and you seemingly just ignored her.
Did you never even dig into why she was threatening to end things? I’m so confused. Like you thought she was joking or something?
Some things I’ve gathered just from what you wrote is that she’s been unsatisfied and had been planning to break up for a while, that in her mind the relationship had ended way before the actual break-up, and not only that you did something to make her Really not like you as a person anymore.
Your time to try and figure out what happened and if there’s anything you can do about it was when she told you she wanted to leave. It’s too late now. She doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, just leave her alone and do better next time.
That doesn’t sound sudden to me. Seems like she gave you a lot of signs she wasn’t happy in your relationship.
I know it sucks but let her go and focus on getting back to good health and I’m sure you’ll find someone who deserves your love in the future.
You should have tried to fix in the time she was talking about ending it. You weren’t listening, didn’t listen, didn’t believe her when she said she was leaving, and now you’re shocked she left?
Leave her alone, you had what sounds like a multitude of chances, and after not being listened to in a relationship and not having needs met, why the hell would she want to be friends with you? So you can continue having your one-sided relationship with her?
Relationships aren’t about how much you can take from the other person, it’s about how much 2 people give to each other. And you couldn’t even give her time to listen to what she was saying and take it to heart.
You deserve to be left. Do better with the next girl next time and learn from your mistakes, but please leave her alone. At least listen to that.
read that again! and keep on reading it until it makes sense! because i dont see how you dont see it.
Sounds like she broke up with you a couple months before dude – she’s mentally detached now. Go on dates, focus on yourself and if it’s meant to be then it’ll be.
She brought up ending things for awhile that’s not abrupt. A healthy relationship there is no reason to dwell on if you should leave. I think often a breakup that feels out of the blue was actually in plain sight for awhile, it’s just easier to assume it will all be fine/ won’t happen.
It sounds like she wasn’t happy for a long time and had expressly told you that. This wasn’t a quick break up, she’s wanted this for awhile. Leave her alone as she’s asked you to do. It’s okay to ask once, but don’t force her to tell you to leave her alone twice
She may have moved on to a new friend?