My husband (33m) and I (30f) have a 6 month old son. My husband and I agreed that I should leave my job of 12 years to watch our son full time and assist him at his company. I’m very appreciative of the time I get with our son and make sure my husband knows it. My husband actively gets his time to do activities outside of the home, he works hard so I like to make sure I can cover him when he asks to go do things. This includes golf on the weekends for an average of 7ish hours, leaving the country to see his sister for a week, hunting for 3 days in a row etc. The thing is is that he has never had to solo parent with our baby for more than a couple hours.
This past weekend he went hunting Friday-Sunday and later in the week I asked him if he could watch the baby while I go visit my old coworkers Tuesday evening. I was gone 2 hours. Came home the baby is not in pajamas – not a huge deal – I proceed to get the baby changed and start dinner. Ask if he’d like to eat dinner in the dining room or living room so he can continue to watch the game. We decide on living room so I ask him if he can clean up the babies play mat and toys (something that happens every night to get it out of the way) he asks me what he should do with the baby then? I proceed to do what we do every night and put the baby where he is safe on the couch and he watches me clean up the toy mat. Dinner is ready it’s soup and grilled cheese. While we’re eating he mentions the mortgage bill I paid was returned. I acknowledge say I also saw and would look into to it. Trying to relax finally I leave it at that. He then continues “did you call the bank” are you going to call the bank” to which I snap and say “yes because I do everything!”. Now of course I don’t mean I literally do everything in the entirety of our partnership. I was speaking in terms of when both our work days are done and on the weekends where I thought it was fair we share responsibilities. I hit a breaking point after just trying to relax after my 2 hour break. I didn’t call him on his hunting trip to ask updates on things. He’s insulted and tells me he’s going to shower as he’s finished his food. I’m still eating mine and realize that it’s very hard to finish eating hot soup while managing a baby alone on the couch so in defeat just go throw out my dinner. (Context the night before I also allowed him to eat first while the meal was hot as the baby was being fussy). He follows and tells me just to eat, I yell him to leave me alone clean up everything from dinner and the kitchen and go politely ask him to use a certain towel if he plans to shave (I ask him not to use the brand new white towels to clean up his shavings but he often forgets). That makes him upset but he does it. I turn on a movie and entertain the baby on the couch. He comes out after showering and says “I’ll just leave you alone so you can relax” as if him going to sit in the bedroom and watch sports is helpful to my relaxation so the sarcasm is obvious. I give him his time and go to bring the baby in the bedroom for the night he leaves and goes to couch. I go after him to see if I can help the situation at all from what I started by being snippy. He tells me we will talk about it when I’m not drunk. I wasn’t drunk he knows that was a dig. I leave him alone. Next day I leave him be all day while he’s away at work. He comes home and I let him get settled. Offer him dinner and ask to talk. He refused to talk again and proceeds to not talk to me for 4 days (which is not uncommon for him when he’s upset).
I finally get him to talk and his answer is basically I should have just asked for help although continues on to say I basically don’t have it hard enough to need help. He’s the one who keeps a house over our head, does our taxes and saves for our future and that that is how he helps our son every day. I try explaining I’m not discounting all those things I’m just speaking on behalf of more everyday hands on things I could use help with. Like taking the early feedings for once on the weekend, putting pajamas on, getting the bed room ready for the baby at night etc. He thinks I’m saying he literally does not help me at all and just can not see where I’m coming from. It basically ends in a stalemate. I don’t really want to ask him for help ever again now after hearing how he can’t believe I can’t handle it when he handles all his daily tasks. I know that I shouldn’t have started all this by snapping but I couldn’t help it. Is the way I see things that crazy?
44 comments
Why would you be crazy for being upset?
You have a full time job that never stops.
He gets to clock out of work.
Your work week is +80 hours/week, pulling double shifts… Whereas he only needs to put in 40 hours.
Even though he may cover the financial side of things, you still have to come home and be prepared to play the role of a Father and Husband.
Right now, he’s just a roommate you take care of in addition.
You say he covers all the expenses, taking care of the future… But, he’s not even existing with you in that future. He’s on the sidelines watching you drown, not participating in fatherhood or the husband role. He’s basically just a child support cheque.
It sounds like you’re doing a lot to support your husband and take care of your son, so it’s understandable that you’d want some help in return. It’s not fair for him to dismiss your feelings and make you feel like you’re asking for too much. It’s important for both partners to share the responsibilities of parenting and household tasks, so it’s valid for you to want some support. It’s definitely not crazy to want a more equitable division of labor, especially when you’re taking care of a baby full-time.
You’re not crazy. This man doesn’t have basic parenting skills and isn’t even pretending to care. It’s his child too. I’d be snapping a whole lot more. Get the ball back in your court and take charge of your emotions and feelings. Right now he’s in the driver’s seat, when you should be. He knows you’ll grovel to him if he continues to act like a thoughtless child.
You just described my EX husband. I tried for 3 years and it only got worse. I left when I came home from a funeral and he was still on the same position on the couch. My son was not changed or feed in those hours.
A. I don’t think you overreacted OP. You are exhausted and should have had the opportunity to enjoy meagre 2-3hrs of alone time. Stop feeling guilty.
Your husband instead of trying to understand (as a 33year old man should) why you are feeling this way and solve it together, is playing the victim and making you feel bad about sharing your thoughts. Please don’t fall into the trap and let go of the key issue here.
B. Key issue here is that your husband does not understand the amount of work and emotional stress involved in taking care of a baby all day (and clearly thinks its easy peasy). The audacity of him to leave you for days at end alone and not appreciate your sacrifices to raise HIS child is very disappointing.
Its bad enough that he does not help you with the baby but on top of it, he does not even appreciate your efforts!
Go back to work and have him adjust his hours & “playtime” to P👏🏼A👏🏼R👏🏼E👏🏼N👏🏼T his child! You sound like a damn slave who he lords over!
Get your self-esteem back. This is why he wanted you to quit work.
If he can run a business, he can parent a child.
Tell him to go fuck himself and go back to work. Put baby in daycare and you both are now on even footing.
Quit reading half way. I am so pleased I’m divorced from that kind of spouse.
The baby is 6 months and he fucks off for 3 days hunting. Am I crazy thinking any spare time should be with the child especially at that age, how is that being a father.
/r/breakingmom
I might just be projecting my upbringing onto your situation, but my Dad was a lot like your husband. He worked really hard but didn’t take care of my sisters and I. That was on my mom. She did all the child rearing, housekeeping, and had a full time job as a RN AND helped my dads business unpaid. He didn’t respect her contributions. He was treated like a king because he brought in the majority of their income. Eventually it grew to be too much so my dad convinced her to stop working and she eventually lost her license and was completely dependent on him. He would spend lavishly on himself then get mad when my mom struggled to pay the bills.
In the end, he grew resentful of watching my mom drown. No matter what she did, she wasn’t good enough for him. He left her almost the minute I turned 18 and sold off his business and now they are in a contentious divorce because my mom is trying to fight for what she is owed for helping him build his business for 30 years.
My advice is to go back to work. Put your child in daycare. You need to gain back your autonomy and protect it. That’s what I wish my mom would have done.
Go away for the week and let him take care of it all for a change. Maybevthen he’ll learn just how much you actually do. He’s sounding a little misogynistic
> He refused to talk again and proceeds to not talk to me for 4 days (which is not uncommon for him when he’s upset).
Yeah sorry OP this isn’t great, silent treatment is emotional abuse and the way he is treating you (massive double standard, gets to golf, hunt, travel with you parent) is abusive too
I think it’s time for you to take a weekend trip and let him be a solo parent for 2-3 days.
The old I earn a paycheck and that’s my only commitment to the family excuse. Tell him the 50’s are over he is still a husband and father and needs to step up. Sounds like he married you just to take care of everything in the home so he can do what he wants when he wants. Not a fun way to live, but many do. I guess it depends how much of a partnership you want.
Sounds like you need to go visit family or a friend and leave kiddo behind. Let him take care of the kid for 3 or 4 days. He should have a better appreciation for you when you get home.
Not talking to you for 4 days is extremely immature and crazy! That kind of behavior only makes things worse and causes more strain on relationships. Maybe if he wasn’t so defensive you guys could come to a compromise.
The “silent treatment” Is manipulative and not an appropriate way to treat each other. That’s a non starter for me. Having some time to cool off and think is one thing, but silent treatment for 4 days is not part of a healthy relationship where there is mutual respect and communication. My suggestion is couples counseling to help you both communicate with each other better and see each other’s povs.
I’m really stuck on the drunk comment. If he was implying you had been drinking and therefore incapable of having a serious discussion why was he OK leaving you alone with your baby?
Congrats you are a single parent who is married
Why do women do this? Why do you put up with this? Why would you leave your job and give up your financial independence for a man who treats you like this? The whole reason men want you to quit your job after having a baby is so they can use the breadwinner excuse and wash their hands off of all parenting responsibilities. I understand you want to be around your child 24/7 but at what cost? Isn’t it better to have a job, put the baby in daycare and demand dignity from your partner? That way you don’t have to spend your life doing unpaid labour that your partner doesn’t even appreciate. Golf for 7 hours in a weekend? 2-3 day hunting trips? While you do EVERYTHING at home? Why are you putting up with this?
Look up weaponised incompetence.
And you didn’t start it, he did. By being hateful.
It’s not actually okay to not talk to you for days either. Or leave you for days. Or not do his share.
What a hateful man. I’m angry for you.
Why do you treat him like a king?! Stop catering to him and demand your own down time.
Silent treatment and making you begging for a talk is abusive. And mentally draining.
He has his own time. You have nothing.
You even don’t have a chance to eat properly.
He questions your ability to do things you do on everyday basis, like paying bills and talking to services.
He claims everything you do as “easy”, while it’s not,and is dismissive about your feelings. This all looks like a power play because he knows that you are trapped for now.
Well, I’m sorry to say, but you need your job back. Because he uses you as a maid, a nanny, a cook and a housekeeper, and doesn’t give a sh about you. Money can’t replace everything, and with this his position, where he is important one, while you do nothing and should be eternally grateful for everything he does, what will stop him from “firing” you on behalf of less “demanding” person?
The emotional intelligence of a carrot.
Don’t be a mother- be a wife.
You’re equally in a partnership. Waiting on him hand and foot is only going to get worse.
The least he can do is set the table so you can all eat together.
He knows you’re bending backwards for him and he literally doesn’t care.
Not talking to your partner is not only immature but it’s teaching you how to live without them and maybe that’s something he hasn’t realised.
OP it sounds to me you would like empathy and understanding from your husband, which you’re not receiving. It also sounds to me that your husband doesn’t personally perceive something as x, he had a hard time imagining someone else perceive that something as x.
The stress from taking care of a newborn lies in the constant stress and uncertainty, not in the actual long list of to-dos, which can be exhausting, soul-draining, and extremely emotionally-taxing for some. Yes, in theory you can do whatever you want but in practice that’s difficult because the baby may need you in a second notice, will not negotiate, and you have to drop everything to tend to the baby.
Is this the first time that your husband won’t empathize with you when he doesn’t personally perceive something in the same way as you do? I don’t know how the internet can help your husband understand and hear you if you can’t/he won’t.
You married your sugar daddy. Someone who reaps the benefits with none of the work.
My brother owned his own business. A million dollar business. But when he got home the kids were his responsibility while my SIL got to have her time. Go for a walk, out for coffee, visit family or friends. It worked well. SIL helped with the business as well but not in the same capacity. Especially when the kids were young.
If you really want to be a single parent why not be single. Your husband is a lazy father that expects you to jump at his command.
So, OP, after his golf outings every week, do you get the next full day to have a spa day? Visit friends/family?
After his hunting trips, do you get a long weekend away, perhaps at a nice hotel with room service? Travel to a concert, art gallery, yoga retreat?
His being the “financial” one of the household doesn’t mean he gets to stop being a thoughtful partner & certainly doesn’t mean he isn’t responsible to be a Parent, able to handle caring for his own child on his own.
Seems his badgering you is to preclude you seeing his inadequacies as a full participant in your ENTIRE life, not just his JOB.
Go back to work asap. You’re going to need your income when you get divorced. I’m old enough to have seen this exact bullshit play out time and again with friends and colleagues.
Good dads and husbands are on the ball from day one. They don’t complain. They don’t whine. They don’t throw tantrums and do immature silent treatment nonsense. They show up and do more than their fair share with a smile on their face because they love their wives and kids.
Your husband is a selfish prick. Quit making excuses for him or praising him for doing the bare minimum of changing his baby’s diaper.
Get back into the workforce, even if just part-time at first. Or find a way to freelance on your own schedule. Either way—make your income and needs a priority.
Do not look back in five years with two more kids and no job history filled with regret. Maybe he goes to therapy and unfucks himself and then you have a great marriage and a great financial situation as a two income household. But imo plan for the worst.
Plan a weekend away (like hunting but at a spa). Hand him the baby, walk out the door, shut off your phone and go relax. He can get a taste of thr work you do every day. He’s a fucking asshole.
Yep go back to work
Your husband sounds like an asshole
Go back to work and get a childminder.
Then split ALL the childcare and chores 50-50, and have EQUAL time away from the baby.
If you dont, you’ll be divorced in a year.
Sounds like your man child doesn’t want to be a daddy.
Is it feasible to request a switch? You work and he parent? It’s hard to really know what’s involved until you have to solo parent.
Look, I understand you are okay with traditional role. I understand that you want to be understanding wife who doesn’t want to stressed out the husband.
But I want to point out, he is not a temporary father to your child. He need to be able to complete child care related duty by his own. So when you ask him to do things, and he ask you how to do, you do just enough of showing him how to do. Do not do more than showing the task he doesn’t know. You are allowing him to do things half hearted because he knows you are going to take over it. Or he’s going to turn and say you are never happy with how he help to justify not doing it later.
Sit down and tell him, next time you give me silent treatment more than 24 hours I’m leaving the baby with you and take a break. Some people stonewall you to let you feel desperate and shift the focus away from their fault. The 4 days he ignore you, give him enough time to organise his thoughts and justify it’s your fault. Remind him, it’s not me against you but we against the problem we are saving.
My husband works full time and travels for work. He cooks all of our food. He also helps clean knowing he will be gone, he is doing extra chores to make sure I have less to do with him gone for a few days.
You need to go back to work to protect yourself and your income. Every month you wait, it will be harder to find a similar income. He knows you can’t leave because you need his money. It is HIS money. Especially when this leads to divorce.
Ignoring you for four days is abuse. Please go to love is respect dot org and take the quiz. I think you will see more signs.
You’re not asking for too much. You need more time away.
The baby is not safe on the couch at this age – at six months he’s going to be be mobile soon. Get a high chair or bouncy seat or bumbo or something. Then you can secure baby and give him something to play w while you eat .
Tell him that you want to go back to work, and see how quickly his dumb ass calms down. Let him now they as a result you will now both have to work out how to run errands on your busy schedules, how to pay for childcare during the day as well as figure out pick up and drop off and that since you will both be tired when you get home you will need to figure out a cleaning person situation, since you know someone who works shouldn’t have to come home and expected to do Jack shit then you will expect the same. Also since you will both be working people who will need to unwind you get a whole weekend a month if he gets to go on his hunting weekend trips. So you can both rest from parent hood cause that’s how it works apparently. Literally f**k up his entire shit. And get yourself a nice low stress job near by where you get to make friends, dress up and be yourself again.
If he wants to be a paycheck and not a father he can do it elsewhere with child support- at least then you can get actual breaks when the baby is with him and you don’t have to clean up after both of you. 🤷🏻♀️
I do not have a kid, I’ll preface that, but it triggered the hell out of me when you mentioned having to ask him to help rather than him just doing it.
I manage the household with my husband – he has been slightly better about doing chores but often it takes dayyyyyyyys. And somehow he has time to watch football for 7 hours on Sunday and then go to band practice, but when he’s home he’s tired and just wants to watch tv.
I agree with people saying couples therapy is the way to go. This is a communication breakdown, and if it isn’t, it may signal that y’all have different values.
He is abusing you. Go get your job back.
He needs a dose of reality. Discuss some clear responsibilities and how and when those responsibilities will be shared. Give him six months. If he doesn’t change then leave him.
You aren’t crazy, and this situation is not about you being snippy. Let’s summarize your situation:
* You have a 6mo son. For those of us with kids, we know that’s the age they start getting mobile and rolling everywhere if not starting to cruise. So he requires constant supervision and/or containment.
* You are a full-time SAHM who also helps your husband with his company.
* Your husband has tons of time outside of the house for hours and days at a time for activities on his own and you watch the baby.
* You do not have any time outside of the house lasting more than a couple of hours for activities on your own, and your husband does not adequately care for the baby during that time.
* Your husband uses weaponized incompetence to get out of watching the baby and cleaning the living room, and probably everything else.
* Your husband gets upset that you remind him to use certain towels when shaving even though he forgets if you don’t remind him.
* Your husband makes ugly and sarcastic comments with the sole purpose of upsetting you when he’s angry.
* Your husband regularly gives you the silent treatment FOR DAYS when he’s upset.
* **Your husband thinks that parenting means helping you out with things that are your responsibility.** I’m going to take it one step further and say he doesn’t value your contributions and probably thinks that you don’t work since you’re home all day.
This is a LOT of manipulative behaviors on his part.
>he can’t believe I can’t handle it when he handles all his daily tasks.
You said you assist him with his company, but he pulls this?? Stop helping him.
I’d point out to him that you are a full time child care provider and chef and house keeper. But your work day ends when his does. At that point, you both need to parent equally. If he can’t/won’t get on board with that, maybe consider going back to work and put the baby in daycare. Then you are both “working full time” in his eyes and he’ll hopefully get over this non-parenting bullshit.
I see so many stories where men think because they work full time, and the wife is home with the children, they deserve all the hunting/ golf trips. Men have no clue what taking care of children and the home is a 27/7 job. I say get a full time job, stop cleaning, wash only your and the children’s clothes. See if they change their tune. Yes, it sounds petty, but it will make the point!!!!