Tldr: we had a dumb fight. He “broke up with me” out of anger because he’s emotionally unintelligent and he does that almoer every time we have a fight (never means it). He hasn’t apologized yet. I’m staying neutral and only talking to him when he talks to me until he makes the first move. He knows that him saying those things is greatly affecting me and he’s been working on it but he still can’t control what he says. Should I make the first move again or just wait?
So my boyfriend and I got in a fight about a work thing, something dumb (we work together). Basically he drunkenly called me and said he heard a secret but couldn’t tell me what it was cause he swore to the person he wouldn’t say anything. We’ve been together almost a year and he made it clear that this secret could impact me in a positive way, so of course I was like well why won’t you tell me then. He made a drunk comment saying he doesn’t trust me not to say anything. Which I took offense to because I’ve never told his secrets to anyone when he told me something in confidence. It’s true I gossip, but I don’t say something if you let me know it’s just between us. So we got in a fight about that and as a result he said “I don’t want to be with you anymore, it’s over, we are broken up” and shit like that. that’s not something new, he has done this many times before and it’s been an ongoing issue in our relationship. He has trouble controlling what he says cause he’s an avoidant type and he’s been working on it. He never means it, it’s basically like when a kid says “I hate you mom”……
Anyway, I tried talking to him about it on Friday and it turned into me basically talking and him trying to avoid talking. I told him he owed me an apology and I ended up going to bed upset and pretty quiet. Today I’ve barely spoken to him except for a few plutonic household things. I spent like the whole morning in bed and he, instead of saying sorry or trying to talk or even say I love you or anything….. He made dinner, he did laundry, and he did the dishes (that’s like him trying to apologize.) however, I’ve made it clear the past few times he’s said this that from now on I can’t move forward and pretend things are normal unless he apologizes and takes responsibility. He hasn’t made an attempt to talk to me about the fight or apologize. Were both just being neutral and awkward, feels like a roommate today.
Im always the one to start talking after a fight and I need him to like put some effort this time. Am I wrong for icing him out and being indifferent with a hint of silent treatment? I want to talk to him but I don’t want thst to send a message that I’m always going to make the first move or thst he can just say whatever he wants when he’s angry and I’ll still chase him.
What do I do? I can tell he’s upset and trying to be nice, but he just doesn’t know how to deal with emotions and he’s been learning how to do thst since he started dating me.
2 comments
This is a pattern in your relationship, and it doesn’t sound like it has improved.
He won’t use his words like an adult and apologize. You both avoid discussing the issue, letting each other stew in silence like petulant children.
You two do not sound compatible for the long term. Do you want this (lack of) communication pattern for the next fifty years?
The silent treatment is punishment. He is punishing you.
If you have a partner who goes to the extreme and breaks up with you when you have an argument or discussion, then you are dating an emotional child.
I’m looking at you, OP, right now. Why are you putting up with this? It doesn’t matter how good he acts when things are going swimmingly. If he freaks out and goes to the extreme when things get difficult, why are you still with him? We judge people and learn their character on how they deal with adversity. You must be exhausted with this. If I had a partner who broke up with me or threatened to do so when things didn’t go their way, as in a knee-jerk reaction, I would point to the door and say ‘Don’t let it hit your ass on the way out, because you are not coming back’. I wouldn’t let this happen more than twice.