How to respond to a friend texting you that she is giving away your gift?

31 comments

1. I don’t know why she had to announce what she was going to do with the gift.

2. I think you’re right to feel that it’s rude and offended. Since this is a social skills sub I want to give you some food for thought to explore your social skills.

   While what your friend did specifically raises eyebrows, she still did something with the gift she got, which is the whole purpose of the gift when received. She could have used it to write to others. She could have kept it as a keepsake. Out of many different ways to DO something with the gift she chose the way of giving it away. The fact that this upsets you (again, rightfully so given what we traditionally think of gifts) can be a learning opportunity for you for future gifting. What kind of gift would you feel comfortable with giving, while completely understanding others can do literally whatever with that gift? This will help inform your future gifting decisions.

   Another social skill offering is to talk about this with your friend. You don’t know what is going through her mind, and she probably doesn’t know what’s going through your mind. If you can come from a curious place and ask her how she came to that decision, and if you can come from a calm place of mind to let her know that her decision is upsetting to you, I think it can be a worthwhile social skill to communicate difficult situations – especially if in the future you get into these situations because of misunderstandings. One uncomfortable conversation can be the seed for a long, meaningful friendship.

3. “No worries. I just saw them and thought of you. A gift, once given, is the recipient’s to do with as they please. I’m glad you were able to pass them along to someone who will use them.”

   Gifts are tricky, and sometimes recipients are afraid of whether it causes some weird sort of obligation to the giver. I’d much rather someone let me know that I missed the mark so I don’t keep wasting money on something I think they’re enjoying but don’t.

4. Why did you get her the cards?

5. I agree that she was rude. I suppose the options are to drop it or address it. Obviously addressing it opens the door to the possibility of a defensive or confrontational reaction from her, since she may be embarrassed. So that’s your call. Dropping it might look like “No problem. Have a good night./see you at x”. Confronting it would be better in person, and might look like “hey since you felt you needed to tell me that you gave my gift away, i’m wondering if i made you uncomfortable by giving it. Is everything ok?”

6. Well now you know that she doesn’t like getting cards as gifts.

   I much prefer knowing that someone doesn’t like a gift I got them instead of them pretending to like it and me being oblivious to what they actually like.

7. Reply “No problem!” and leave it at that, and don’t get her anything else.

8. She just sounds like someone is very open and honest, which honestly is a good trait in a friend. It’s maybe a little rude but if you otherwise like this person I’d respond with something polite and maybe not get her any more gifts in future!

9. The gender difference makes me wonder if she’s going out of her way to keep this relationship friendly (as opposed to romantic). Getting a small present for someone and going to a play kind of reads like a date, especially when you’ve only known them for six months.

10. Does seem like she wants to create some distance between her and you.

    I would just say thanks for letting me know and pull back a little from her friendship.

11. Honestly there is a lot to read into here in terms of your friendship but it might be much simpler than that.

    I’m currently (and always) trying to declutter my life.

    If I receive a gift I don’t like/need it makes me deeply uncomfortable.

    I appreciate the effort and thought, and feel obligated to hold onto it for a specific amount of time to honor the fact that someone spent money on me. But that ends up making me resentful, since it takes up space and sometimes I feel that I’m holding it just in case they show up, so they don’t feel bad. And also if I don’t let them know I don’t like it, they will do it again.

    I guess, I would take what she said at face value. She appreciates that you thought of her but unfortunately isn’t going to keep it. Like, it sounds like a personal rule she made for herself—I don’t do cards—So she can’t use it. But she felt good because you tried to give her something.

12. How would you feel if you were given surfboard wax?

    Just assume this person won’t be able to find a use for the item, and probably would rather them not go to waste.

13. I think the two-fingered peace sign gives the msg a bit of a blunt finish, but she isn’t passive aggressive and that is a good quality in friends! I think she wanted to communicate:
    a) that you won’t be receiving one of the cards in the mail come holiday time, and
    b) it would be a waste to buy her cards again (just in case it’s something you gift often), and
    c) She is telling someone she trusts (you) something personal about herself- letting you know she doesn’t do cards. This could be for any number of reasons. Personally, for some of us obsessive and/or adhd types, holiday/birthday cards creates big opportunities to fall into time-suck + low-self-esteem traps. There is picking out the “right” card, writing exactly “the right” thing, and getting it in the mail at exactly the “right” time. There are also environmentalist sensitivities- wasting paper, wasting resources in delivering (gas, electricity, priceless human time + energy). She probably has a good reason why she doesn’t “do cards” you could even respond “of course, no worries.” …And if you hang out again and find an opening in a conversation, inquire if there is a particular reason she doesn’t “do cards” just out of curiosity.

    I totally get feeling offended, I would feeel the same way. But after feeling the sting of a somewhat rejection, if you still want to be friends- Take it as an opportunity to get to know more about her, if she is willing to share.

    As a frequent gift giver and lover of gifting-as-love-language, I have had to learn to pull back on gifting because people are just so different about these things, based on their own set of experiences (and often family-of-origin).

    Coming from a family where pretty much the entirety of your love for that person was judged annually on the quality of Christmas + birthday gifts and ESPECIALLY what you wrote in their card, I often spend too much time over-thinking things, latching onto small details ppl tell me in order to give a hyper-personalized gift, etc. And I’ve learned over the years that many ppl find receiving gifts a bit uncomfortable, and don’t really place any sort of importance on the practice, especially as it relates to their relationship with you (friend, lover, brother). That’s why it’s considered a love language… some ppl speak it, some don’t!

14. I get why this is upsetting, but maybe give the benefit of the doubt. You’d know her personality better than I, but here’s my read: she genuinely appreciated the thought, but won’t get use of the gift. She didn’t want to waste the gift so gave it to someone who will actually use it, and let you know so you wouldn’t be left wondering why she didn’t give you one come Xmas time. Maybe she also wanted to let you know for future reference that’s not her thing.

    Personally, I wouldn’t find it offensive but may still sting a bit if it’s a gift I’d put a lot of thought into. You’re not wrong for feeling that way, but do realise that she probably genuinely didn’t mean to cause harm and was maybe too blunt/not the most sensitive wording.

    I know plenty of older folk (70s+) who constantly regift things, and some people who would never, so it can maybe depend on upbringing but some folk see no issue with it, others avoid regifting. It’s a tricky subject.

15. Idk – I had a friend who was super into the minimalist movement and was big on no gifts, maybe your friend is like this. Also you’ve only known this person for half a year – so im curious if this is their nature in general…

16. You haven’t explained why you chose to give them new year’s postal cards, or if you had any indirect motivation behind giving the cards. That’s an unusual gift. That might add valuable context.

    As it stands I wouldn’t read too much into it. Could be she wants to discourage gift giving or establish platonic boundries. Could be she thinks giving honest feedback is important. Or maybe your friend needs to visit /r/socialskills/ themselves. No way to know based on so little information.

17. I think she sounds like someone who speaks directly, so is it rude? Maybe, but being impolite is different from being unkind.

    Politeness is determined by a series of complex cultural social conventions and some people just either don’t understand the rules or they reject them entirely. If someone is inconventional enough to be this forthright they are also likely unconventional enough that cards – peak etiquette tools – are a terribly offbrand gift for them.

    I don’t think your friend meant anything by it nor is there enough info here to assume that there is any subtext. I think she doesn’t want you to expect a card and knows she won’t use them so she is being honest. That doesn’t diminish the gesture or your friendship.

    It is possible it is also a subtle hint that gifts make her uncomfortable, in which case there is no reason to be offended that someone set a boundary with you.

    Honestly, I think you went into this exchange with too many expectations. Give freely or not at all.

18. >What am I to make of this? I find this rude and feel offended; am I overreacting?

    Yes.

    You gave her cards- like, she was *gonna* give them away anyways, she just did so all at once instead of one by one. Why are you getting offended by it?

19. Technically, they were going to be given away anyway.

20. Well you are a bit weird too. Why new years postcards in november? Why 2 of them?

    Did you write messages inside the postcards? Surely she cant give away postcards with a personalized message from you.

    U didnt just give her 2 blank postcards right?

    Maybe she wanted flowers.

21. I think it might be an old etiquette rule because I notice older family members and neighbors give updates like that, and it’s meant as a sign of respect to let you know the truth of the situation. I’ve even seen the recipient give the gift back to the giver to either enjoy or return to the store so their money isn’t wasted.

    Personally, I feel rude doing anything other than expressing thanks, but I can also appreciate how the other approach supports transparency and respect for the giver’s resources. It also prevents the giver from giving another similar or related gift that won’t be used.

22. It’s a weird gift to give in my opinion.

23. I’m confused by the gift. Maybe she was too?

24. Why is everyone interpreting more than there might be?

    She told you exactly what the matter is.

    She doesn’t do cards and wanted to let you know that so you don’t waste unnecessary time, money, and effort into this kind of stuff.

    She did open and honest commination. Use these information so you understand each other better.

    I am not into postal cards either and rather don’t get them because I had to throw them away and it feels bad to throw away gifts.

    Yeah there are other ways to deal with them but maybe I dont want this extra unnecessary effort to make.

    If I am simply open and communicate honest, we can solve this topic much better rather than putting on a mask and act like I am being the most happy person ever receiving.. Postal cards..

    So there is nothing to do for you, just take into account that she doesn’t do postal cards.

25. I think it’s better to assume positive intentions- she’s literally saying thank you for the effort. I think it’s maybe a weird use of the peace sign but let’s just think she meant it as “thank you friend”. That being said, it doesn’t seem like a gift that suits her and some people prefer honesty over having more things/clutter that doesn’t suit them. Tbh it is a bit of an odd gift. Not too many people write cards, and especially new years cards at that… I could see why she wanted to say something so you don’t give her more similar things.

26. She’s just being honest. Sometimes it comes off as being rude but that’s why it’s so hard and uncommon for people to be honest. Because of personal interpretations like this, we’re always scared to be honest. I’d say take it literally and don’t overthink it. But if it bothers you so much you should ask her upfront. She seems like someone who’s open in communication and would give you an honest answer.

27. She doesn’t like cards lol don’t overthink it

28. I see it as open and clear communication. She said “thanks” and “appreciate the effort”.
    There is no deep meaning to interpret here

29. She didn’t say anything negative about the cards and even thanked you. She was just being truthful so that maybe, next time you wont spend money for something she doesn’t use.

    You’re not overreacting though. It’s okay to feel upset but don’t dwell too much on it.

30. Your gift was a set of cards that she could send out, like thank you cards or birthday announcements but for the New Year? Honestly, they would sit in a drawer or get recycled if you gave them to me. Are you upset that she’s not thrilled w your gift or that she *told* you she wasn’t thrilled w the gift? She did thank you & gave you information about herself (not into cards, also not wasteful bc she’s giving them away instead of recycling them like I would).

31. You gave a gift. She appreciated the effort and passed them on to someone else who’d use it, and let you know maybe don’t get her more cards.

    Try not to read too much into it. Gifts are a “best effort” thing and we Know they won’t all be a hit, you give to give not to satisfy some deep need right?

    Mission accomplished 🙂