My now husband, just got married this year, have been talking about when we would like to have kids. Initially when we were dating I looked forward to having kids. However whenever kids were brought up, he was always negative saying that kids were expensive and that kids would change out relationship forever. I actually never heard him say that he is excited to have kids. But when I brought it to his attention that he is always negative he said that he wants to have kids but is just trying to balance things out. Which confused me because my perspective (that I’ve always said) is that I’m looking forward to having kids whenever the time is right. I have never said I wanted to have kids right away or even right after marriage. But have said I’m good with waiting until we are ready.
This discussion is causing issues because I feel he isn’t taking accountability for his negativity affecting me. When I told him about how it has affected me, he said MAYBE what he said affected me. I just don’t get how he doesn’t understand that him talking negatively about having kids every time for the 5 years we have been dating would negatively impact me…in my perspective my potential spouse never seems to be excited or looks forward to having kids. That would impact someone…
It’s getting bad to a point where I’m contemplating if I even want to have kids with him… what should I do? Am I missing something here? It seems that there is a reason why he has been so negative about it…I kind of think part of it is that he worries that once kids are in the picture he will be neglected and that my focus will solely be on the kids. Just a thought. What do you all think? Thank you!
TLDR: Whenever having kids was brought up in convo with my boyfriend at the time (now husband) he was always negative saying that kids are expensive and that kids would change our relationship. I heard that for 5 straight years, I never even heard him say he was excited to have kids. But when I confronted him about being so negative he would say that he wants to have kids but he wanted to balance our perspectives out. Which confused me because I always said I’m looking forward to having kids when the time is right, never pressured or even insinuated that I wanted kids right away or even right after marriage. It’s causing arguments and I feel like he isn’t taking accountability for how his actions and words about having kids has impacted me. I’m even contemplating if I want to have kids with him. What do you think?
3 comments
>he isn’t taking accountability for how his actions and words… has impacted me
This is the thing that sticks out to me. He is telling you his feelings have maybe impacted you, in response to you tell him his feelings have DEFINITELY impacted you. You are with someone who denies your own lived experience to your face. I doubt he would treat kids any better.
He said he viewed having kids negatively but you got married anyway. It’s more on you to be absolutely honest. Now he wants to do what you want most and you have second thoughts. Of course you do because he prolly deep down never wants kids and he has been repeatedly telling you that. What really is the surprise here? Kids are not only expensive but mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting and that’s true for the average kids. Throw in some conditions and that complicates things even more. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s always a hell no for important life altering decisions like that.
I’m confused about why you married a guy whose opinion on having kids seems to be the opposite of yours. Why did you not bring this up before deciding to get married?