I started dating my new boyfriend two months ago. Before that, I was with my ex (30M) for three years. My ex and I are both engineers. I was very impressed with my ex at first for his intelligence, work ethic and success. The problem I realized was that he only ever complimented me for my looks. In every other way he was like my arch rival. If I told him what was going on at work, he only wanted to compete. When I got a promotion and was excited about it (not only for money) he only wanted to compare salaries and reassure me that his was still higher, and that he was more qualified for my job than I am. He even told me I got ahead at work for being a “cutie pie” like it was a compliment. I got sick of it and left him.
My new boyfriend is very different from that. He has an English degree and a blue collar job. He actually acts interested in whatever I’m talking about and acts impressed by things I do (work related and not). When I told him I have a house (which I had bought with my ex) he just said “You have a house? That’s so cool. You must be rich. I live in a cardboard box.” He just makes me feel good about myself all the time, while my ex was always trying to take me down a peg.
When I was telling my brother about him, my brother said “Dating down in order to be looked up to is never wise. Your ex was only hard to impress because he had accomplished so much. Do you think Elon Musk has the time to listen to a young girl’s jabbering about her latest work project? No, but he would appreciate your womanhood, which is the one thing he doesn’t have on his own.”
Over the last two months, it’s been more of the same from my brother. Always saying my ex was hard to impress because he was so impressive himself and that I had to choose between being with a great man or an admirer, and that I was now making the wrong choice. He also thinks that my boyfriend just flatters me because men like him don’t get women very often.
The problem is that I want the two of them to get along. My brother just doesn’t understand my desire to feel respected as a person. He acts like he knows everything about relationships even though he has never been in one. Does he have a point? Should I try and just introduce him to my boyfriend and see how it goes? I just don’t know what to do.
TL;DR! – I want them to meet and to get along, but my brother keeps trying to convince me that my ex was better.
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30 comments
Why are you assigning such lofty motives to your brother (yes, pretending he just doesn’t get it gives him WAY more credit than he deserves) and trying to make him understand you instead of just accepting that he’s an immature shitass who you shouldn’t be listening to anyway?
Are you *happy* with your current boyfriend? If so, then your brother doesn’t get a vote.
Here’s the thing: a relationship isn’t *supposed* to be a competition. It’s not supposed to be *me* trying to “win” against you, and *you* trying to “win” against me…it’s supposed to be *us* working together to overcome the obstacles getting in the way of *our* path to the happiness that we wish to build.
Oh, also, the idea that “English degree and blue-collar job” is somehow worth less than “Engineering degree and career” is reprehensible…and I say that as someone with a 30+ year *very* successful career in the software engineering industry.
Your ex tore you down so that he could feel better about himself.
Your current boyfriend builds you up so that you can feel better about *yourself*.
I can tell you which of those two types of people *I* would rather be with.
Also:
> He acts like he knows everything about relationships even though he has never been in one.
…never listen to criticism from someone you would not choose to go to for advice.
He has no experience in relationships because 1) he’s a callow youth who hasn’t had the time to gain any, and 2) he is unlikely to gain any, because his arrogant attitude about how relationships “should” be will drive off any potential partner who has any sense at all.
Your brother and your ex are both misogynists, your current boyfriend isn’t – I can tell you who out of the three is actually the intelligent one (and it isn’t your bro or ex).
Your brother does not sound very smart to be honest nor do you for taking his advice 🙂
Your brother, like your ex, is a misogynist. Your brother is not going to get along with your current boyfriend so let that dream go and don’t subject your boyfriend to your brother’s abuse or you will be complicit in allowing him to be abused.
Your brother has never been in a successful relationship and you are currently in a happy one, don’t destroy your own happiness by chasing your brother’s approval (on a subject he knows nothing about). He liked it best when you were with someone who tore you down and refuses to the see the value in someone who makes you feel cherished. Stop caring about his opinion.
Your brother hasn’t even met your boyfriend? He can’t say shit!
Just tell your brother that it’s better to be in a relationship with someone you like that makes you feel good, than someone who makes you feel like shit, and that you know he won’t understand yet because he’s never been capable of finding anyone that likes him yet
He does not have a point. He has absolutely no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Your ex treated you like crap and is your ex for a reason. Your new bf sounds awesome. Caring, attentive, etc. Just because he works a blue collar job doesn’t mean he’s not on the same level as you. If you take advice from your brother, you’d still be with your ex and be miserable. Don’t listen to someone who has no experience or knowledge of relationships.
You can’t make them get along. If your brother doesn’t stop being so judgmental and rude, they won’t get along. But that’s not your new bf’s fault- that’s your brothers. Do not listen to him.
Your brother is a kid who has been watching too much Masculinity Inspiration Youtube videos.
I don’t know if your new bf is good enough for you or not. But my guess at answering that is probably no worse than your brother’s.
I agree with all the replies here. I do have a question though — are you sure that your current bf is not going to use you for your money while he continues to shower you with your love language ? Is your need for appreciation so high that you can willingly be the bread winner ?
Think long and hard before making any decision
> Do you think Elon Musk has the time to listen to a young girl’s jabbering about her latest work project? No, but he would appreciate your womanhood
I’m sorry, this is disgusting and sexist AF. Have you told your brother you do not want his opinion on your relationship? Because that’s a good place to start.
Please do not listen to your brother, OP. How you feel about your boyfriend and him making you happy is the only thing that matters
Your brother is being pompous, naive, and a bit of a jerk. Tell him that he thinks your ex is so great, maybe he should go date him.
Also, anyone who brings up Elon Musk as any sort of aspirational example for dating, I really question their critical thinking skills.
Your brother and your ex are misogynistic assholes. Stop caping for your little brother’s approval.
However, you don’t say a single positive thing about your boyfriend that isn’t about you. He makes you feel good, which is great and obviously important in a relationship. But from the way you write about him, it does sound like you are only dating this man because he is the opposite of your ex. Your new boyfriend is interested in what you’re talking about and is impressed by you, but are you actually interested in what he talks about? Are you also impressed by what he has accomplished?
It kind of does sound, just from your post, that you place an excessively high value on approval from the men in your life, whether that’s your little brother (why??) or the man you’re dating. Feels like you should interrogate that.
If your brother likes your ex so much, let *him* date the guy.
More to the point, your brother is being an arrogant, elitist turd. Intelligence is a useless metric by which to judge people. There are lots of ways to have a great mind: social intelligence, ability to learn and apply new skills – including physical skills – and creativity are all very important traits that a narrow definition of “intelligence.” There are also plenty of ways to be a good, useful, and interesting person that have nothing to do with any definition of intelligence.
And, frankly, even if your boyfriend had *none* of these qualities that we define as kinds of intelligence, the fact that you make each other happy is a *perfectly good foundation to build a relationship on*.
If I were you, I would set a firm boundary with your brother that if he wants to have time with you, he is to stop talking shit about your boyfriend. He doesn’t have to be his friend – you can’t mandate that – but he is to be polite and pleasant to him. It’s up to your brother to knock it off or keep being an asshat, that’s outside your control.
Your brother and ex are misogynists, ignore him and don’t invite him to the wedding.
OP, your brother doesn’t see you as a full person.
He thinks you should have been comfortable as an accessory in another man’s life, and known better than to be hurt if your interests, career, and achievements weren’t respected in your relationship.
Tread carefully with the new fellow, just to make sure you haven’t rebounded into a different kind of user, but if he’s genuinely supportive of you while building up a career of his own, awesome. Lean into good people.
Meanwhile, put your brother on an info diet about your life, and hope to heck he grows out of this phase of seeing women as mere accessories in relationships, before he hurts others and himself when dating, too.
>Do you think Elon Musk has the time to listen to a young girl’s jabbering about her latest work project? No, but he would appreciate your womanhood, which is the one thing he doesn’t have on his own.”
Your brother is…not a nice person. I can see why your ex’s behavior felt almost normal to you.
However, you learned top not accept shitty behavior from your ex. But you’re still accepting – and giving credence to – shitty behavior from your brother. You said it yourself – your brother has never had a relationship. Why are you listening to his misogynist opinions?
I don’t think it would be very kind to your boyfriend to introduce him to your toxic brother, who will surely talk down to him. Why set him up for that? It’s like if you had a POC partner and wanted to introduce them to your racist uncle. Just why?
Your brother sounds like an asshole. Treating your SO with respect and being interested in the things they share has no bearing on being smarter or dumber than the other. Your bf sounds like a really good dude and someone your brother could take some emotional intelligence lessons from.
I wouldn’t be afraid to introduce your bf to your brother, just be confident that you found a good partner.
Your brother and ex are misogynists, don’t sweat it. Your new boyfriend sounds like he’s got emotional intelligence and the capacity to see past the tip of his own nose, much better qualities in a partner IMO 🤷
Your brother literally just told you the only thing of value you bring to a relationship is your vagina. Do not take dating advice from him.
Your ex-boyfriend sounds like a complete jackass. Your brother is not too far behind him.
Sure, we would like our siblings to like our partners, but it isn’t necessary. If you are happy with your new boyfriend, that’s all that matters.
And it sounds like what you’ve accomplished is impressive, I don’t think the new boyfriend is just trying to butter you up, it sounds like he’s actually impressed… As he should be.
Stay with the person that makes you happy. Your brother sounds as misogynistic as your ex. Neither of them respect you as a person
Your brother is toxic. I find it hilarious that he insults your bf intelligence by saying some dumbass shit .
Your brother is toxic and I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex is the one feeding him shit to say to you.
However, your bf is just a good dude. He likes you. He likes to make you happy. You smiling and laughing makes him feel great. He isn’t dumb by any means.
Your bf 100% wants you to be the very best you can be and he has your back. Isn’t that a great quality to have in a partner?
When he started with that Elon Musk BS he immediately disqualified to give advice. Any advice. Ever.
Your BF sounds like a great guy!
>even though he’s never been in one
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😫😂😫😂😂
If your brother thinks your ex is so great he can date him. Mazel tov. Otherwise, I would end any conversation where your ex is brought up. You think Barak didn’t congratulate Michelle on her book? “That’s cute honey, but I’m president!” And there isn’t anything wrong with blue collar jobs! Your brother is a classist, sexist turd. Why do you care about his opinion? Are you worried about him being rude to your boyfriend upon meeting? If that’s the case, I’d prep boyfriend and be prepared to shut down brother’s rudeness.
Stop listening to the opinions of asshole men ffs
I’m a bit alarmed you’re implying your bf is less intelligent than your ex because he doesn’t make as much money and didn’t do a STEM degree. Are you quoting your brother, or is that what you actually believe?
>Dating down in order to be looked up to is never wise.
So I think your brother is a misogynist, but are you dating down to be looked up to? Because the way you talk about your boyfriend here, isn’t actually very respectful.