This is my first time ever making a reddit account so i apologize if im not really working this right.
I’ve (18F) been dating my boyfriend (19m) for almost a year now while knowing him for two years as friends, i’ve met his family many times and i like to think we are on good terms. Now Three months ago, I lost my previous housing due to a conflicting family issue that resulted in me getting kicked out and my boyfriend family offered me to move in with them with open arms. I accepted it and we didn’t have any issues until a week ago.
Every Saturday, his siblings come over and hang out, i usually give him space and don’t intervene but that Saturday, they invited me to come along for some drinks so i accepted. I try not to drink as addiction runs in my family but i drink socially and from my boyfriend POV of what happened that day, I had too much and started saying stuff about my childhood.
I’m not proud of my childhood and usually avoid bringing it up when I can, but tldr; I was raised by parents who weren’t mentally well and poor, as a result, I would sometimes ‘take’ food from stores and do odd stuff to get money to help my parents pay for stuff. I no longer do any of those things but I guess since it was brought up, they assumed i still was.
The next day, his family asked for all of us to talk, and my childhood was brought up. His younger sister (15) had overheard the convo and felt as thought, I betrayed them and that She no longer feel’s safe with a ‘thief’ and made the suggestion that I should move out with his family agreeing.
It’s been a week later and the environment here is still tense, the once ‘hellos’ or conversations i had with his family is now greeted with silence or they ignore me. My boyfriend has attempted to get everyone to talk things out but no one is budging.
I don’t know what to do, I want to move out as I feel like that would be the right thing to do to fix the situation but my boyfriend keeps insiting that he will fix this and if nothing works, we will move out together. As much as i would like that, Neither of us make enough money to even afford a studio apartment in our state.
I love him but this situation is getting to the point where I’m debating breaking up with him so he doesn’t have to deal with what’s going on.
What Can I do?
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14 comments
I’m sorry. This really sucks for you. But ultimately, yes, you have to move out if his parents have asked you to do so. If your boyfriend somehow fixes it before you find a place, okay, but you have to start working on a new living situation with the assumption that won’t happen.
If you can’t afford your own place, it’s time to look for a roommate situation. If you happen to find a place open to two people moving in, you could invite your boyfriend to move with you, but honestly it might be a pretty bad idea give how new your relationship is.
The ignorance of people. Wow.
The complete lack of empathy they have for a child in a situation that that child had no control over is really appalling. At the very least, I would keep these people at a distance and not trust them. If your boyfriend defends his family, I think it would say something very negative about him and his own empathy. You’ve done nothing wrong.
>I try not to drink as addiction runs in my family
Stop drinking.
>I was raised by parents who weren’t mentally well and poor, as a result, I would sometimes ‘take’ food from stores and do odd stuff to get money to help my parents pay for stuff.
Get therapy.
This sucks. I’m sorry you’re being judged for things you were forced to do as a child to essentially support your parents.
Set aside any guilt or shame right now. They’ve judged you wrongly, but now you have to protect yourself.
As quickly as possible, find a room in a house or apartment in your budget that is safe and stable. Your boyfriend will have to manage his family, their relationship, and whatever way forward he can move with you. You need a roof over your head. That’s your top priority, and this place isn’t going to be it.
Wow, this one bothers me. Not because of anything you did, but because your BFs family is pretty judgey.
They’ve obviously never experienced poverty and neglect, so they can’t empathize with you and the situation you were in as a child, doing whatever you had to do to survive.
However, were I you, I’d move on from this household. What you do with your BF is entirely up to you, but I’m not sure he can fix this at all.
Given your limited finances, you might try looking for a room for rent in someone else’s home? Or finding a roommate?
I feel for you, deeply. I can’t say I’ve been there, but it doesn’t sound like a good time at all.
You don’t say where you live but sometimes there are churches and other faith-based and/or county/state organizations who can help you secure a place to live.
>I try not to drink as addiction runs in my family but i drink socially
Am I reading this correctly you’re 18 and drinking?
They’re judgemental and stuck up, and lack compassion. I’d leave the boyfriend while I was moving out, why would you want to put up with such snotty people for potentially the rest of your life.
Given the tension, communication is key. Maybe sit down with your boyfriend and have an honest heart-to-heart. Express how you’re feeling about the whole situation and that the current living arrangement is taking a toll on you. Share your concerns, listen to his, and see if there’s a middle ground or a plan you both can agree on.
Moving out might be a solution, but if finances are tight, explore other options. Could there be a compromise, like spending more time together outside the family home or finding activities where you both can connect without the family tension?
Breaking up might feel like an extreme step, especially if you both care for each other. Before taking such a big decision, try exhausting all the possible solutions. Relationships have ups and downs, and working through challenges can often make them stronger.
His sister doesn’t feel *safe?*
Come ON. She needs to grow up.
This makes me sick, she is a spoiled little brat who was clearly looking for a way to get rid of OP.
I think you should write a letter. Explain that these were things that happened in your past that you did to survive. You’re not proud of these acts, but you were also a child in an impossible and unwinnable situation. You’ve decided to never commit these crimes again and you’ve committed to a long term plan to ensure that it never happens again. If they can’t understand that, well… they’re sanctimonious creeps who have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas.
It seems to me that your boyfriend’s family have very traditional views and expectations about what type of women their son should be dating. As your boyfriend, he has an obligation to stand by his decision to be dating you and not let his family interfere in his decisions in life. If his family wants you to move out, you should. If your boyfriend won’t stand up for you in front of his family, this isn’t someone you’d want to be dating in the long-term. Lots of people commit theft in their lives especially when they’re adolescents. It takes courage to admit your mistakes and to admit them to your boyfriend and their family. Tell your boyfriend how you feel about his family giving you, what is essentially, the cold shoulder, and see if he will stand by you. If he does, I’m sure things will quell on its own eventually. If not, this isn’t someone you want in your life anyways.
Wow you’re being really terrible about this.
You put him in a hard spot and now you wanna break up with him. It’s not your fault that his family sucks, but he’s the one supporting you in the face of his family after you lost control of what you shared.
What a terrible attitude you have.
You need to appreciate what he’s doing, you need to move out and ignore his family because they are judging you for your past. And you really need to express your gratitude to him because he’s choosing you over his own family.. fyi
Also it’s important to share details. Stealing is one thing but there are things in the past that, depending on what you shared, would make his family’s reaction appropriate.
And yeah i think a lot of people mean well when they say get therapy. I had some anxiety issues and therapy really helps. You are being inappropriate in your relationship by not fixing your issues like drinking, childhood trauma, and your mean attitude to your bf.
I’m really sorry OP, and I recommend you don’t drink at all going forward. At least till you can get some therapy for your childhood trauma.
I would ask to sit down with the parents and your BF, let them know that you understand some things were said but not the full story.
Tell them that you were very poor growing up and in order to survive, you had to do some things you are not proud of. However, you had to survive, that was the goal and you did. Now that you aren’t in such a bad place, you no longer have to take those actions.
Then they can decide if the 15 year old should be brought in since she doesn’t feel safe.
I do think this will end with you moving out regardless and that sucks.
I do not understand people who vilify poor people for doing things they need to survive. What a privileged life they must have.
Start looking at getting state resources to help you and your BF get back on your feet. Even if it’s just some food stamps to help out, that is a good start.
Look at any training programs they can offer, you may be able to get into a nursing program or trade program for very cheap or even free. There will be stipulations but it can get you in that door to making more money and having a better life.
It honestly sounds like you trauma dumped while drunk and that sucks, I’ve been there myself. I did remember but said I didn’t because I was so embarrassed. Now that I’m older I realize that I had nothing to feel embarrassed about, my abusive family put me in crap situations that a child had to figure a solution for. I’ve stolen food and necessities and I’m not ashamed of that anymore. I did it to survive and I’m here today. That’s a win.