How to break up with fiance and move forward?
Hey all,
I’m 27f looking for how to navigate this whole break up thing with my fiance 33M. This is my first time breaking up with someone I have a long term relationship with and actually live with. Been living together for 1 years now. I honestly thought he was the one, but issues have come up that I feel are too much to ignore or fix. He is the type to always wants to fix things so he will 100% be against breaking up. Some issues in my perspective:
– He is financially irresponsible. I’m frugal, high credit score, savings, stocks, retirement plan, and although I can afford a new car I drive my 07 Toyota Yaris have had minimal issues with this. He on the other hand yesterday purchased a 2024 Honda Accord with 3k on credit cards each +500$ out of pocket. He totaled his other 2023 honda accord in an accident that was eventually deemed his fault. He broke his knee cap, had surgery, is doing PT now and racked up a good amount of debt that insurance that his mom helped him with getting. He paid the rest of with all that he got, and with his disability check through his employer. I helped with 2k on down payment for his now totaled 23′ and gave him nothing yesterday. He is supposed to go back to work this Saturday when his disability ends but he still walks on a limp and is in pain, he works a warehouse job that is physically demanding… He overestimates money he will get for like his paychecks, taxes and stuff and quick to buy stuff thats not needed. He even lends money to a friends that owes him like 18k and pays him a couple grand(3 to 4k) back every tax season.
– Chores/ laziness. Yes I understand he is in pain. Even prior to accident, he just worked and played PS5/tv. Now he just play PS5 or be on his phone. He has improved a little every time I bring it up but goes back to his ways. I had to force him to learn how to do his own laundry and even got upset when I told him I wouldn’t be doing his laundry anymore after he refused to even learn when I asked to teach him. He says he doesn’t but I feel like he expects me to cook for him. I feel like he starves himself until I’m off work so I cook. He says I’m a better cook than him, it is true but he can improve with practice and google? I guess mommy did everything for him before we moved in together.
– sex. Ever since his accident I’ll admit we have done it once or twice. It’s been 4 months. At the beginning we couldn’t do much obviously but now he complains that we don’t do it and it’s true I just don’t feel like it anymore. I have no desire for him. Prior to this, it was a bit better but my drive has declined. Part of this is because it’s f his accident, yes another is his hygiene. His teeth have started to rot it looks like to me? and I’m grossed out to even kiss him on the lips. He says it’s expensive dental work and indeed it is but he was quick to go out and buy a car!! My birth control is also a lot to blame for, I’m stressed as hell too. I’ve mentioned this to him as gentle as possible but he always got an excuse, says he gets picked on for his teeth alot too, and brings up the lack of sex jokingly here and there that annoys the hell out of me.
I know these are huge problems but somehow I still feel love and care for him. He is very loving, golden retriever type. He will help even when he has nothing himself. He is going through tough time I get it. I take him to all his appointments, took care during his accident and post surgery. I tried getting him used car but he didn’t want that. I was going to take him to meet my family for first time this Thanksgiving, not happening. I feel a lot of guilt but I think this is the best for my sanity. He is so attached to me, but we are just not right for each other despite the love and care. I can’t kick him out of the apartment he has nowhere to go. He’s disabled. He can’t go back to his mom’s because his job is here. What am I supposed to do? I am trying to make this easier for him.
Please help
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**TL;DR;** : Want advice on how to break things off with my fiance, he’s on short term disability at the moment and I feel guilty kicking him out.
4 comments
You don’t sound happy at all in this relationship. Don’t marry him, just tell him it’s over and then move out, perhaps move back home if you can?
He can go back to living with his mom – it’s not much different than how he lives now.
He is an immature manbaby – you are absolutely doing the right thing. You can have love for him, but you can also do SO MUCH BETTER.
You’re right…these are huge “problems” you have in your relationship. And these are not simple disagreements, but more personality and lifestyle differences. It’s okay to love and care about someone, but know that they are not compatible with your expectations -your wants and needs – in a life partner.
It’s time to have that conversation with him. Like any separation, it’s not easy, especially regarding your living arrangement. Someone moves out. You say his disability is ending and he will be employed full time, so as an adult man, he will have to figure it out. He may need a few weeks/month to find another home/rental/roommate/job/family, but I’m sure he won’t be homeless. Might even have to sell his car; it’s on him now.
Don’t ever marry for potential or hopes that someone changes. As hurtful as it may be to end an engagement, realize by living together you were able to see that you two were not meant to share a life.
I broke up with my fiancé by writing him a letter and leaving on the coffee table when he came home. He had anger issues, so I was told to either do it in a public place or write a letter, so that’s what I went with and I think it was the best way. It gives you the opportunity to mean what you say and gives him the opportunity to process everything. Good luck