My(28f) bf (29) is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD and has been learning about himself and I’ve also been learning about it. I feel like he’ll do things and blame ADHD or sometimes not even bring up the ADHD. but I personally feel like it’s not an excuse for some of the things he’s doing, or a lack of accountability may be to blame, but I don’t want to come across as being shitty and I’m trying to ascertain whether I’m being harsh?
First thing is anger. I know people with ADHD have a low tolerance for anger but I’ve constantly told him how his reactions are not normal in relation to the thing thats made him so angry, and how he is making me nervous, he’ll apologise and go on to explain what he meant by his reaction, but to me, its not an excuse to keep making me uncomfortable. The tiniest little thing will set him off and he’ll start throwing things and being physically aggressive to inanimate objects or his body language is erratic and aggressive in general. A huge red flag. But whenever I bring this up he immediately makes sure I am okay and apologises and never once gets defensive. So I’m unsure. It’s like he’s completely unaware of the emotional impact when he’s not in a great mood. His housemates even sat him down and said to him that they feel they are walking on eggshells around him.
Secondly, he’ll just constantly talk about himself and then when I try to talk to him about any random thing,, he’ll sit on his phone and then not even register that ive just spoken. He seems disinterested unless the conversation is about himself or his band that he litetrally will not stop talking about. I mean this very literally. Every conversation has to go back to his band. He’ll also seem very emotionally distant when I need support and just doesn’t respond in appropriate ways
. I was in pain immediately after trying a lube that he bought, and his first reaction was annoyance that he had spent money on it, rather than comforting me through my pain. I called him out on this right away.
During sex I also always have to actually ask him to *sort me out* or do things bevause he’s pretty much a pillow princess. I had to actually tell him “look I need warmed up first you can’t just stick it in” and outside of sex ive told him already that I have a slight issue where my V**** (the community for some reason bans the word v**** which is pretty shit as its not a dirty word) takes longer to get warmed up and ready. it’s making me feel undesired and that he doesn’t care about my pleasure. These are things that I shouldn’t have to tell a man to do to me.
Third, he’ll need constant reminders for really important things and at one point he even said “sometimes I’ll need you to give me a nudge now and again” and I said “there’s an app for that”. I want a man, not a son.
There’s more to it than this but generally speaking I personally think that ADHD isn’t an excuse for some of these things, but wanted to ask the community here just incase I’m being harsh? Thanks.
Other times he is so unbelievably kind and sensitive and others he’s like this. Im sort of highlighting the bad bits here, it’s not all the time, but it’s frequent enough.
If he’s out and sees something I’ll like he’ll buy me it or show me something he’ll think I’ll like. He made a playlist for us, all these sort of things. He always says “if there’s is a problem we will sort it together” and I generally has reqlly good conflict resolution with me. I’ve spoke to him about most of these things already and some of them I haven’t bevause ive been unsure how to bring it up. I know some of these things are very indicative of ADHD and i am patient of this, but where do I draw this line?
EDIT: Forgot to add that he has just stafted therapy and is working through a lot of trauma and things. He enjoys it and likes to work through things with his therapist so I’m a slight bit comforted that he’s taken those steps for himself. He also has a bit of sexual trauma and I’m wondering if this counts for his lack of action in the bedroom?
3 comments
Nope, ADHD is not an excuse for any of this. A mental health diagnosis (or physical health diagnosis, ANY diagnosis) is not carte blanche to cause harm to one’s loved ones. The diagnosis is separate from the behavior. What you’ve described is, in part, pretty much identical to the classical cycle of abuse. [Here’s an article about](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse) the cycle. You are right that explaining an angry outburst (and, btw, physically harming inanimate objects is a form of domestic abuse – [source](https://www.tsplegal.com/general-news/5-red-flags-of-an-abusive-relationship/)) and apologizing afterwards **does not** negate or undo any of the harm done in his outbursts. Explaining something or apologizing for something doesn’t make it okay. And just because someone apologizes to you does not obligate you to accept their apology or to forgive them. At one point in a similar, past relationship, I started saying, “I’m no longer accepting apologies, only changed behavior.” (Spoiler alert: the behavior never changed for very long.)
You are not being harsh. Your instincts are right. Blaming his ADHD is a total cop-out. **He is responsible for his behaviors**.
Separately, I don’t think this relationship is really serving you. Sure, he’s sensitive and kind and loving sometimes. Being erratic and hot-and-cold kind of “addicts” you to the good / happy / loving times and clouds your judgment. He’s self-absorbed, obsessed with his band, not attuned to you, whether you’re just trying to talk about yourself/your life/your interests, or your physical needs/pain. There are SO MANY other men who would make you a playlist, point out things that you like, who have genuinely good conflict resolution (meaning they are capable of changing behavior and don’t blame things like ADHD, but rather take ownership)…and who will be interested in hearing about your life, attuned to your needs, and won’t get aggressive, erratic, loud, and violent when they’re angry. I promise. You deserve better.
ADHD might be a reason for some of this but it’s not an excuse for any of it.
I (45F) have ADHD but I wasn’t diagnosed until about 2 years ago. Meds help to a degree but most of managing ADHD is developing coping skills and mitigation strategies. Historically, girls are under diagnosed because we are expected from a young age to get our shit together so tend to develop those strategies organically. Boys tend to show more of the hyperactivity and tend to have parents who compensate for them.
Your BF needs to work with a therapist and do CBT specific to ADHD.
Emotional regulation, executive dysfunction, time blindness, overwhelm with complex or boring tasks, interrupting, etc are some components that can be associated with ADHD. But that doesn’t mean you just accept that is how it is.
And I can’t think of how one could correlate ADHD with being a selfish, shitty lover. That’s a real stretch.
I think that when some people get an ADHD diagnosis, they start making all of these connections and having a lot of “ah HA!” Moments about why they feel X or do Y. And that’s great but you can’t stop there. He has to put some strategies in place. And it’s not like they hide this in books. He could Google strategies.
But for example, a strategy for remembering important dates/events is to put a reminder in your calendar—NOT to ask your partner to remind you. (Like your BF did—probably because his mom always did that.)
At the end of the day, your BF is responsible for his behavior no matter the root cause of it. You’re not being harsh to call out behavior you find unacceptable and if he hides behind ADHD, call that out too. It may be a reason, it is NOT an excuse.
Unbelievably kind and sensitive??
Other than in conversation, taking care of you and in the bedroom. I swear people just say stuff like that to make themselves feel better.