my (23m) boyfriend (24m) and i have been dating for four years and live together. we’ve always had a very active sex life and while i’ve always loved him, my feelings for him have gotten more intense in the past few months. but with this development i’ve lost all interest in sex with him.
as i said, i’ve always loved him and cared for him but recently it’s gotten crazy. i always want to be with him, always want to touch him. i just want to lay in bed with him and hold him forever and never let go. when he’s not around i just want to lay down and cry until he comes back. i’ve never had these kinds of feelings for someone before. but what’s throwing me off is that i’m completely turned off to sex now.
i’ve always been a very sexually person, but with these new feelings i’m just not into it anymore. any time he tries to initiate it i just feel uncomfortable. even when he tongue kisses me i feel weird. whats the deal? this whole situation is new to me and i never thought i’d have this problem. is this a thing?
**TLDR;** i love my boyfriend more than ever but i’ve lost all interest in sex because of it.
13 comments
I would recommend personal therapy as that doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy position for you to be in mentally
Has something changed in other aspects of your life? It sounds like you could be unhealthily codependent with him, and it’s odd you weren’t like this before so maybe it’s developed because of some life event. I would urge you to first consider what you’re feeling outside of your boyfriend, what’s going on in your life to make you cling onto him so much, and if that’s having an impact on you. Or maybe something in your relationship has changed, like one of you is working more hours so you see each other less.
Get some professional help. Go to therapy. Go to couples therapy. Talk to him about it. This is definitely a sign of some unresolved attachment stuff.
Dont ignore this, sex is important for a healthy relationship. You are just delaying the inevitable, which will be more painful the more it goes
Sounds like something is going on with you, medically or mentally. I would talk to your doctor first then maybe a therapist.
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You say you want him all the time, but you dont want to have sex with him either. I think this is an internal conflict. I hope you consider going to therapy, or talk it out to him and go to therapy together!!
See a doctor, doubt it’s anything to do with him but rather a hormone issue on your part
Maybe you’re pregnant?
Sounds related to a personality disorder in all honesty, you’ve gotten so close to him he has become a parental figure which does obviously not illicit sexual feelings.
I think you should immediately be evaluated by a doctor and a therapist. Be completely open and honest to them about everything you’ve shared here. Even consider showing them this post. Likely blood tests will be taken, and any current medication will be evaluated. It is especially important for the doctor to consider anything that may disrupt with sex hormones – such as SSRIs for mood /emotion disorders or birth control methods (or recent or sudden changes with either of them) in addition to changes in organ function- such as thyroid – or drug use. A therapist will likely need to delve into what has changed in your habits and coping strategies, recent life events, your dependency on your boyfriend, your family health history regarding mood and emotions, and cause/effect situations in your relationship.
It will likely be extremely important to your boyfriend for you to have this resolved as soon as possible so that it remains a vital part of your intimacy and relationship, so immediacy in calling to set the appointments is key – not only to showing him that this is important for you to resolve but also that you’re getting to action steps as soon as possible. So, try not to procrastinate if you can help it – as sometimes, the appointments have to be made weeks and months in advance of actually seeing someone and testing/evaluating being completed. Do not see an urgent care doctor!!! Find and see a doctor as your primary care physician (and a consistent therapist) so they can see you multiple times, evaluate history, and track progress over time. This likely isn’t a one-and-done situation and will probably take monitoring.
There are a few things in your story that point to there being something not quite right or usual with your health, how you are processing some things that have happened in your life, and / or your view of your relationship. So, I hope these visits with some medical and counseling professionals will help you get to the bottom of things.
Lowkey kind of wondering if you deep down are actually not that into him anymore but don’t want to face that so are overcompensating for it with your feelings but your lack of sex drive is showing you the truth?
My thoughts are that either you’re in a difficult place mentally and you’re craving support, love and company to an intense level and the fact that you’re struggling or processing something emotionally is causing your sex drive to decrease. All this is totally understandable and I’d suggest you work through these issues and understand that long term relationships go through lots of different phases and it’s perfectly normal to have periods in our life when sex is not top priority.
Alternatively it could be what often happens in long term relationships especially where the couple lives together, in that you become so close and comfortable to the person you are with that the relationship starts to feel like they’re just your family. This can make us really enjoy spending time with them, watching movies, cuddling etc but the polarity of attraction has essentially become neutralised. Attraction often relies on some sense of mystery and the different energies between two people, but over time those energies with a person can morph into one shared energy. To remedy that, it’s very important to have a secure sense of self outside of the relationship. Different friends that you each hang out with and different hobbies.
It could be one or both (or neither) of these things. Important thing is not to put pressure or worry yourself or shame yourself