We’ve been friends since high school. In the last 5 years or so she’s become very strong in her character & how she carries herself, which is absolutely a good thing on the whole, but it’s also bringing about issues as her friends.
She’s *very* opinionated now & very vocal about it, which of course is not a bad thing within reason, but she seems to be running with it to extreme lengths to the detriment of any & all interactions with us & our relationship. And even over things that are not important & don’t affect anything, but she won’t let it go & is willing to die on the hill of having the last word on any opinion no matter how awkward she makes things or actually upsets us.
Even though that is hard enough my way of dealing with it is just to let her do this, not get involved in any debates & basically not give my opinion on things that could become a painful drawn out discussion. I’m happy to do this as I don’t enjoy the endless debate anyway & glad to keep meet ups lighthearted along with our other friends in the group.
However she’s going a step further nowadays & doesn’t let me have my own opinion on things that are completely to do with just myself only either. Example recently I said whilst it’s tempting to get my hair coloured *I* wouldn’t be able to or want to keep up with regular appointments to get roots done as that’s a lot of work for *me*. I only spoke for myself. But she instantly got what I can only describe as angry annoyance & firmly told me “No it isn’t” in a quite aggressive way & put an end to her conversation. She doesn’t even dye her hair herself.
You might think she’s just trying to inform me it’s not a big deal & encourage me to think of it as do-able but it wasn’t like that at all with the way she spoke to me, it just seemed to be about taking away my opinion & proving me wrong for the sake of it, following the pattern she always done.
Further proof of that is that she doesn’t actually do anything grooming wise herself & has been very proud of that & vocal about it. In fact that’s always been her stance & something that she would argue against all this time if I mentioned things like haircuts, makeup, skincare etc – that everything is just hard work, time consuming & a waste of time & money, & acting like she’s above it all. But now when I say that I would find keeping up with root touch up hard she tells me it’s not hard in an annoyed manner.
She keeps doing this about everything now. Recently she was talking about a food item that was bread dipped in eggs & milk whisked together with herbs & spices & then fried in butter. I said oh it’s like a savoury French toast isn’t it, because it literally is. She got annoyed & abruptly shut me down in front of others saying “NO IT ISN’T” & stopped talking to me.
The same when I said I’ve finally found my winter coat & love it, not asking for her opinion, just expressing joy for my new coat which I’m wearing. She expressed visible distaste & just stared in awkward silence, I could see where this was going so I tried to move on & change subject as I didn’t need or want any opinion or approval from her about the coat. It was just casual conversation between girls with which other friends would just be normal about & say “Ooh nice” regardless of whether they liked it or not & move on from. But she became fixated & started making expressions & sounds tilting her head “sadly” towards my coat & started saying criticisms about how it looks bad. I had to literally shake myself to snap her out of it & say “I’ve already got it & love it” & she acted like she’s annoyed & puzzled her important opinion hadn’t been fully heard yet & needed to be heard.
I could name so many examples, they’re all of minor silly things like this which by themselves you can just dismiss as inconsequential, but as a repeated pattern of behaviour that affects nearly every interaction it starts to define & affect the friendship & time spent together detrimentally.
How do I respond when she does this to not escalate the moment? Especially as we are otherwise having a nice time with the rest of the group/activity, but to be able to stop her in her tracks & also stop it reoccurring.
TL:DR – My friend keeps literally taking away my own opinion about things & beating me down
10 comments
I recommend having an honest and respectful talk with her, outside of any recent incidents where this happens. Tensions can be high when these incidents come up, so it’d help you out to find a time when you can have a serious talk where no one’s riled up.
Share with her the pattern of behaviors you’ve noticed (ex: “When I offer personal opinions about inconsequential things, I’m being met with complete and total negation”), and how it makes you feel (ex: “This makes it feel difficult for me to feel open and honest about my feelings and experiences, as I fear I’m going to get shut down unexpectedly”).
It helps, when sharing your thoughts and feelings, to use “I statements”, which emphasize your observations and feelings by using the words I, me, and my, while minimizing use of you, your, and yours. This helps minimize the chances of your expressions coming off as judgmental, accusatory, or antagonizing. You can see how this was accomplished in the examples on my previous paragraph.
Best of luck, OP.
Why do you spend time with this person? She makes you feel bad. She’s not your friend.
To be friends with this person, you can’t give your opinion on anything. Sounds like a friendship that’s on her terms only, which doesn’t sound enjoyable at all.
You say yall have been friends since high school, so you don’t want to “break up” with her. But where is that energy or reciprocal feeling from her? “I’ve been friends with OP since high school – I should value and respect her opinions and feelings like she does to me.”
She’s being a petty bully and a contrarian – to make you feel worse about yourself, and to make her feel better about herself.
This is not friendship – you’re being held hostage. She doesn’t like you – she likes how she can shut you down constantly. She’s not your friend.
You are over 30 – how do you not see this?
“Look I love you and worry about what is making you act this way, but you need to back WAY THE FUCK OFF if you want to remain friends.”
Yeah I am not friends with the person in my life who was like that. We were friends for almost 20 years and she slowly changed into someone who didn’t take responsibility for her feelings and couldn’t be wrong in any context, always had to have the last word. We finally friend broke up when she was angry with me for not agreeing immediately to report a creepy guy at school because I was still in classes with him and felt scared, apparently that didn’t matter, just that other women wouldn’t be hurt by him. I told her I was done when she wouldn’t even listen to my reasoning nor feelings and I haven’t spoken to her since. I don’t need women in my life that can’t be empathetic or take emotional responsibility for themselves.
Are you the only target of her anger or other people from your friend group have the same experience with her? What other friends think about sudden changes in her demeanor?
First of all, no one can take away your opinion. It’s your opinion. It’s there. And you cannot physically stop her from expressing her thoughts or making comments. If anyone had the trick for mind (and mouth) control they would have bottled and sold it and made a mint already.
What you can control, though, is how much time you spend with someone who seems hell bent on being rude or contrarian for no reason.
Is she only like this with you, or have you observed her engaging in this behavior with other people?
If you absolutely have to hang out with this mean person for some reason, I’d respond to all of these comments by saying, “That was rude, and I don’t need your opinion on this topic.” I would repeat that, no matter what she says in response, as many times as I have to, until she either shuts up or leaves.
It seems like you’re more worried that you’ll “escalate” the situation than you are about avoiding getting hurt. The thing is, you can’t control other people. She’s escalating the situation by getting so hostile with you. There is nothing you can do to prevent her from feeling angry or upset or hostile towards you. Your only choices are how you will respond to her mean comments, and whether you will continue to be friends with someone who treats you this terribly.
She sounds like a complete lunatic
>How do I respond when she does this to not escalate the moment?
She relies on you being too afraid to “ruin the fun” to keep making rude comments with no repercussions. Fuck that. Escalate it. Question what she’s saying and why and call her out directly when she’s being rude.