Long story short, my (29F) mother-in-law (63F) has hated us since we started dating because I used to be friends with my husband’s (36M) late wife. We only got involved two years after her death, before we were just good friends and I helped him with his children (18 12) but despite having waited a reasonable amount of time, my mother-in-law still disapproved of our relationship and has not spoken to us since then. She always had a relationship with the children because they were the ones who wanted to see her but she hasn’t spoken to us in years. When we had our own children (5, 4, 1) she got even angrier, if that was possible, and refused to meet them. My husband’s daughters tried a thousand times to get her to know them and be interested in them but she never wanted to see them.
A few days ago my husband’s daughter received her first salary since she is working and said she wanted to take her siblings out for ice cream, but she never took them for ice cream, she took them to her grandmother’s house. And we only found out because the kids came home crying because their grandmother said horrible things to them and she kicked them out. Of course we told her that what she did was wrong and she promised not to do it again. She told us that she just wanted her siblings to know her grandmother because it hurts her that they always ask about her, which is true because lately they see that their sisters are going to their grandmother’s house or they hear that they are talking about a grandmother and they want to meet her and ask about her so that’s why she said that. We forgive her because we understand that she didn’t do it with bad intentions but now she feels terrible, she’s sad and she apologizes all the time. How can we make her feel better and let her know that what happened is already in the past?
edit: She knows the whole story, she knows that I was her mother’s best friend because I was part of their lives for years, she knows that my husband’s family doesn’t talk to us because we are together, She knows that her grandmother hates her siblings for that. But she is a very sweet person who loves her family and I know that her dream is for everyone to get along and I know that she didn’t do that with bad intentions because she loves her younger siblings.
48 comments
Your daughter did something wrong but she should have known better. Feeling bad is what will teach her not to make decisions that are not hers to make.
She’s a kid who made a dumb mistake, and learned a sad lesson.
Lay out firmly that she is not to do such a thing again, but that you do not hold it against her.
She’ll get over it. But maybe now she’ll see her grandmother is not a very good person and limit contact herself.
Just keep reassuring her. Tell her she tried to do the right thing and it’s not her fault what her grandmother did/said. She sounds like she has a big heart with a lot of love.
Reassure her that you know her intentions are good, but explain that as she gets older she’ll learn that human relationships can be so complex – things aren’t always as simple to fix as they appear.
How heartbreaking for all of you. ❤️
You can ease her pain letting her know that the kids would have to know sooner or later that the grandmother hated them, she was the unfortunate person that happened to accelerate the process. And tell her that not all good intentions end up being the best thing to do and to learn from that, tell her you appreciate the effort of using her first money to help others, but sometimes you need to learn when and how to do it, so it can be a real help, good intentions are not enough, and let her know you will be there if she needs guidance for any similar problem
Tell her that you know she tried to do a good thing but even with the best intentions things can turn out bad. Tell her some people won’t change because they don’t want to. They’d rather be shitty people all their lives than making an effort to change. Sometimes they feel that if they change that means admitting they were wrong and most people hate doing that. But most people really appreciate when others admit they were wrong so the lesson here is to not be like grandma. Don’t be stubborn and mean, admit when you’re wrong, be nice to people so you don’t hurt them like grandma hurt her grandkids. Also tell your daughter that you really need her to trust you when you say that grandma is bad news. That you’re sorry your daughter had to find that out the hard way. Reassure her that the kids will get over it and tell her to come to you next time she wants to try something drastic because it’s always good to talk things over.
This could be a good learning experience about stubborn people and forgiveness and how things don’t work in real life as they do on TV, but she’s only 18 so she’ll need someone to guide her through it. I would have several conversations, let her mull over it and come back to it.
I’m guessing her feelings are deeper than just doing something you didn’t want her to do. She has a relationship with her grandmother that she didn’t understand her to be a terrible person. She assumed her grandmother would be loving to her siblings and she was wrong. I bet that shatters her image of her grandmother a bit. Have you talked to her about that? I think her inability to let this go might have something to do with that and not so much your disappointment in her for what she did. I think she needs to talk about how she views her grandmother now with you and your husband. I think she may need to be encouraged that she can decide for herself the kind of relationship she would want to continue having with her grandmother.
Her heart was in the right place but she at least truly knows why it was a mistake now. She’s intimately aware of how hurtful and cruel her grandmother is now and seems to have accepted it. She messed up but I’d say she’s already paid for it, her entire perspective on her grandmother changed fundamentally at that moment.
All you can do is be there for her and not rub it in her face like “I told you so”, just be supportive of all your kids as they were all essentially traumatized by an intolerant slug adjacent windbag.
Does your daugther know that her grandmother isn’t interested in meeting the children that are both yours? Maybe you should have a conversation that is along the lines of “it is sweet you want your siblings to meet your grandmother, but your grandmother isn’t accepting them. You tried to do something kind for your siblings and it isn’t your fault your grandmother isn’t as accepting as you wished her to be. Grandmother is a complex person, we don’t understand her, but we protect your siblings from their grandmother’s behaviour. Again, it is not your fault grandmother isn’t accepting them, things are as they are. You now know we need to protect them. We all make mistakes, don’t worry.”
No suggestions but this is breath of fresh air to read, no grudges not kicking her out or evil step mother. Fingers crossed she realises grandmother is the problem here
She might want to go no contact with grandma after that stunt, both because she’s upset with grandma, and as a show of solidarity with her younger siblings.
There not much else you can do. She made a big mistake. She learned why that rule existed. Now she has to process her emotions.
Maybe come up with a “punishment” like taking her siblings out to ice-cream and some activity for real to make them happy.
It’s not a real punishment, but she might get the feeling of being able to do sth to make up for what happened?
And in addition, ask her about how she feels about her grandma, does she want to continue to see her? Tell her it’s entirely her decision, you’ll support whatever she decides, that she can change her mind anytime and you won’t be mad, as long as she promises to never take her siblings there again.
Give her time, she needs to process what happened and work through her feelings. Reassuring her you still love her all the same, maybe do a family outing soon, a trip to the zoo or whatever you all enjoy. She’ll get over this in a bit 🙂
Family therapy
She hurt her siblings by not listening to her parents. The repercussions of her behavior should be helping them heal their trauma through family therapy
It’s good she realizes she did something, and that you forgive her, but I have a feeling it’s a lot deeper than that. I’m willing to bet she feels bad for hurting her (half) siblings. She is probably hurt by her grandmother’s words and actions as well. Seeing a person you live act/speak like that to children that have done nothing wrong has to be hard to hear. Just reassure her. Acknowledge that you both recognize she did it from a place of love. She sounds like a good kid and a good sibling.
Question?
Is the grandmother an unmarried widow herself?
She should never be allowed around your children alone ever again! It’s insane how many comments are excusing what she did. No, she did not think she was doing the right thing. She flat out ignored how you and her siblings have been treated and thought she knew better.
And if the grandma doesn’t want a relationship with you or your kids she doesn’t have to. Your daughter was selfish and ignored everyone else’s boundaries because like I said she thought she knew better
This is sadly just a lesson for her to learn that you can’t protect her from, *because you already tried to protect her from this truth and she chose otherwise.*
Growing up is learning discernment in which boundaries to push and is just part of life. Parents tell you not to do things, and each person ‘knows better’ to varying results.
**The results here unfortunately a lesson in how even the best intentions can be met with unkindness, and the importance of understanding deep relationship nuance before overriding those actually living it.**
You are doing a good job of navigating a difficult situation.
Your husband’s daughter is grieving the loss of a dream- that her grandmother would meet her siblings, care for them, and be the loving person your step-daughter wants her grandmother to be. Help her understand- this isn’t about her taking the kids to her grandmother’s house. This is about the deep pain of a fracture in her world and the inability to heal it.
I feel for all of you, especially your kids who are rejected by their grandmother.
I think just talking with your husband’s daughter about the experience and being sympathetic will help alot.
Your husband’s daughter had her heart in the right place. Her two mistakes were lying about where she was taking the kids and taking them to grandmother without asking.
But, it’s also a wake-up call to your husband’s daughter about the type of woman grandmother really is.
It’s not her fault that grandmother is a real B…..; but it’s a hard life lesson learned to find out what someone is really like.
I’d simply approach it as that with her.
Perhaps you could encourage her to see a therapist? Make sure she knows therapy isn’t a bad thing! Therapy helps those with intense feelings learn to navigate and explore them.
She learned an important lesson that there are reasons why boundaries are put around relationships. There’s a reason why her younger siblings have not had a relationship with her ogre of a grandmother and she should have respected that.
If you and your husband have not fully explained the history with her grandmother and the situation with her siblings, now is the time! It’s clearly been on her mind and bothering her for awhile. It’s time to open up and talk about it. Reassure her that the people she loves and cares for might not always love and care for each other and that’s ok. People in her life can be separate and still be important to her. She doesn’t have to choose between her siblings and her grandmother. Although, seriously, this grandmother is a freaking grown woman. Who acts like that to children!?
I think a family counseling session is needed, as well as some individual sessions for the kids. Your youngest children now know what their grandma thinks of them, the veil is lifted. And your oldest now knows that grandma won’t change. You need to talk about why grandma feels this way with someone to guide the conversation in a safe way.
The question you should eventually ask (ideally with a therapist’s help) is if your oldest should have had a relationship with her grandmother in the first place? Should she have a relationship with her moving forward? There is the possibility of her resenting her siblings if you had cut MIL completely, but traumatizing two children (in my opinion) is worse. What she did was foolish, naive, and ultimately, selfish. She had good intentions, but she’s still a child, and it’s OK for her to feel bad about it. Tell her that it’s OK to feel guilty, but what matters is what you all decide to do and what she learns from this experience.
You should not try to make her feel better. She messed up badly and she should feel bad about it. She undermined your parental authority and harmed your children by doing so. That was a HUGE error in judgement. Let her feel bad about it and make sure she learns from this experience never to do something like that again.
I’m curious if GM was honest with 18 why she didn’t want to see younger siblings? GM may have presented this as OP fault and how “horrible” OP is to GM. Sit down and talk with 18 with her father. Don’t name call GM but explain this is an example of why you listen to others about their experiences even if they don’t match how someone acts with you. Yes someone can lie about how someone else treats them but approach with an open mind. Even they best of people try to present their “side” that makes them look the best. Let 18 decide how this changes (or not) her relationship with GM. Going forward let her know this is why you don’t support a relationship for younger sins because no one is mean to your children (which includes 18) and keeps a relationship with you.
It’s a hard lesson to learn, that someone you hold affection for can be so horrible especially towards young children who are completely innocent of any wrongdoing the grandma is (wrongfully) accusing you two of. It’s going to take time for her to work through it. She has a lot of feelings she’s going to have to work through. It’s very helpful that you two are understanding of her though. If she can fit it into her schedule, a little bit of therapy to help her work through it wouldn’t hurt.
That speaks volumes as to who that woman is. To talk to children of that age hurtful for things they no nothing about. The older children should now write off “Grandma” she’s obviously a horrible person.
You probably cant really make her feel better. But kudos to you for being understanding.
She is likely coming to terms with the fact that her Grandma isnt actually an awesome grandma but is actually a hateful monster who traumatizes children for no reason. She is probably grieving that relationship & will likely cut grandma out of her life.
Honestly, the whole situation says more about that grandmother than it ever will about your step-daughter. She was trying to do a good thing for a bad person, and that says a lot about the kindness in her heart towards her siblings
All of this could have been avoided if you’d been more clear with her at any time by 16/17, she deffinitly would have been old enough to have a “Your grandmother doesn’t like me or your siblings” conversation.
It’s unfortunate this happened but all you can really do now is assure her that you’re not upset with her and maybe come completely clean about the treatment you and your kids have faced because of your mil so she can understand that it’s not you or her and that it’s your mil that’s the problem.
Make sure and let her know your feelings haven’t changed a bit you still love her and understand and wished for the same
This is a huge life lesson for her on interfering when she’s been told not too. She will get over it, but hopefully she learned from this experience
MIL sounds like a c**t. Shame your step daughter can’t see that.
This was not the question I was expecting from the title. I think you already did what you can. She has to learn to forgive herself instead of punishing herself over and over.
it’s weird asf that you two got married. You were friends with his late wife… the grandma probably just thinks it’s disrespectful and can’t get past that.probably suspects you had your eyes on him before she even passed 🙄 yeah she shouldn’t take that out on her new grandkids but I’m team fuck y’all too
First off, I’m really sorry MIL is acting this way. What a horrible person she is.
As to helping your daughter, we sometimes forget that just because we reach 18, we still don’t have the life experiences to give us the wisdom we need.
She lacked wisdom here because she knows her grandmother as a loving person. It’s likely hard for her to understand how such a wonderful person could be so nasty to children.
Sit her down and let her know that her heart was in the right place but on some level she knew what she was doing was wrong because she lied about it.
Ask why she lied about it? Did she think your view of her grandmother was incorrect? Had you and her father kept her from knowing the full truth to protect her?
Explain why it’s important to respect another persons boundary even if you don’t understand it or agree with it. Had she done that here, we wouldn’t be making this post.
At this point, it’s less about comforting her and more about using this as a teaching opportunity. She is an adult now. She will be faced with much harder issues than she was before. It’s hard to acclimate to that.
Let her know that open communication instead of going behind another person’s back is the way to go. Yes, it’s harder and may not get the result you want but it’s what’s necessary to have happy and healthy relationships.
I get that she is sorry but there are still 3 traumatized children, sure she didn’t mean to do it but that doesn’t erase that trauma.
The best she can do now is accept responsibility for her actions and how they have impacted those around her. Learn from this and make changes in her actions so she doesn’t do this again. Work together with you and the kids in how she can make this up. I will say it’s less about making it up because that’s not possible and more about how can she earn their trust and your trust back.
She doesn’t take the kids out of the house alone. She shares her location when she has the kids with her. These are just some options to earn your trust back. How to earn the trust of the kids, you may need to help this one.
The good news is, she seems remorseful here so she is teachable. You just need to make sure she doesn’t make this all about her and focus on the broken trust that she created by going behind your back and lying.
Talk with her about how her grandmothers actions have harmed her too. Before this, she saw her grandmother as loving, enough to go behind your back and lie to you and the kids. Her world is rocked and she deserves to unpack that.
It’s best not to say anything, and allow the grandmother’s behavior to change their opinion over time.
What did the grandmother say to the young ones that made them so upset, and why did she kick them out?
Whether or not she approves of OP and her son’s relationship…that’s her actual grandchildren. All of them. Wtf is wrong with her?
She deserves to end up a lonely old lady.
My family has a similar situation and I feel for you. All I can say is let your daughter know she did nothing wrong and you understand why she’d want her siblings to be able to have a relationship with Grandma, but people and relationships are complicated. And if she wants to continue to have a relationship with Grandma, you’ve got no problem with it but highly encourage her to set boundaries with Grandma to keep her hurtful thoughts out of it.
Ngl, you’re weird for getting involved with your late best friend’s man, but grandma took it to a whole new level. It isn’t the children’s fault that their parents are weird like that, and grandma should grow up.
She had good intentions and it seems she learned who and how her grandmother really is. It’s strange that your MIL takes it out on your children though… like yeah, she doesn’t have to like your relationship (I’d personally side-eye anyone who marries their late best friend’s husband) but those innocent children did nothing.
My little sister and I were in a similar situation as kids. She’s 6 years younger than me, and her mother was my mother’s friend.
My parents had broken up, ect ect at one point, my mother, father, and both step parents were friends and hanging out. It was totally okay.
But my grandmother HATED my step mother.
So by extension, she hated my little sister and treated her as such, even while my brother and I were around.
It ruined her
I spent my life (now 30) making sure my little sister knows how much I love her, and comforting her when she cried because she just wanted her grandmother to love her.
I understand what your daughter did, and what she must be feeling. The confusion. The guilt. So many questions about the person she thought her grandmother was.
Let her know it’s not her fault. It’s not the kids fault. There’s not really anything you can do to help with this unfortunately
This is all your MILs doing and it’s too late to be undone.
Look into therapy for your kids.
They’ll have questions about why they aren’t good enough, what they’ve done wrong and I’d hate for any parent to watch their child go through that.
Ask your step daughter if she would like some therapy and you guys should pay for it. She has good intentions but she needs to be able to accept the disappointment and the reality that her grandma is a great grandma to her but is a human who had faults.
She learned a hard lesson about her grandmother’s true colors. It will make it easier should she avoid her in the future.
I wonder why the grandmother had such a strong reaction to this relationship… I bet that there is so much more to the story
you had a kid at 11?
I just can’t get past how young and how many kids people have in America.. Wow.. That guy is 36 and already had 5. She was 23 when she had her first.
There’s a LOT of missing information here and in regards to the ages – the math ain’t mathing.