TLDR fiancé firmly believes I said something I didn’t, wants me to own up and apologize. I feel like I can’t do that without lying to myself.
2 year relationship. Last week we M34 F34 had an argument. I was talking about my feelings being hurt and he seemed to be making it about him. I told him “You just take things personal sometimes”. I left the room.
I came back a few moments later and he was incredibly upset saying he couldn’t believe I called him delusional. I was like, what? I swear I didn’t. When do you think I said that? And he said right before I left the room.
I earnestly explained to him he must misheard me say “personal” or something, and I would never say that about him. We went back and forth on it for a long time and then had an obligation to attend to so the discussion was paused.
Hours later we’re back in it. He insists I said it. I insist I didn’t, over and over. He wants me to own up and apologize but I told him I could not do that, it’s admitting to saying something I absolutely did not say. It was a stressful argument with neither party budging. We finally (not happily) decided to leave it alone as it’s not going anywhere.
A week later, today, it comes up again. He says he feels incredibly unsatisfied emotionally by how I’m handling it, that I’m unintentionally gaslighting him. I was deeply offended by the accusation of gaslighting but he says I’ve done it in the past. He did say he does not think I do it intentionally, and he thinks that my brain genuinely convinces me I did/didn’t say something. I’m not happy with this but if that is something I’ve done in the past I absolutely do not want to be that kind of person and I am going to try to work through that somehow…
Anyways. Regardless of him telling me I’ve allegedly done this before, I absolutely did not call him delusional and I refuse to admit to something I did not do. We both simply have different accounts of what happened. My reality is I know I did not call him that. His reality is that I absolutely did.
I refuse to apologize for something I didn’t do but at this point feel like I have to to smooth this over. I also don’t want him to feel like I’m gaslighting him. I don’t know what to do.
2 comments
Break up.
Either he’s correct and you are gaslighting, then he shouldn’t be with you because that is abusive behavior.
Or he’s actually the one gaslighting and you shouldn’t be with him because that is abusive behavior.
You no longer feel like you can trust what your partner says, he says he feels the same way about you. Trust is gone, this no longer feels like a healthy relationship. You are at an impasse, there is nothing else to do.
>He says he feels incredibly unsatisfied emotionally by how I’m handling it, that I’m unintentionally gaslighting him. I was deeply offended by the accusation of gaslighting but he says I’ve done it in the past. He did say he does not think I do it intentionally, and he thinks that my brain genuinely convinces me I did/didn’t say something.
Bruh, this is gaslighting. He is gaslighting you by saying this. It’s literally textbook – lying to you to make you doubt your own memory or sense perception.